Monday, December 26, 2011

Christmas is here and gone!

I  am not a big fan of Christmas.   It is not that I don't enjoy the lights or the reason for the holiday.   I hate  the commercialism and greed.  I hate  seeing people act like animals on Black Friday.  I hate reading about how someone went nuts  and  killed their  entire  family.   Or the fires or natural disasters that displace people.  I know these things happen every year.   I guess it is  just that the older I get  the less tolerant I  am.   The kids all  seem to  only think of getting  presents.   I got gifts from my 12 year old daughter  this  year.    The other kids  blew everyone off.  Even the 20 year old that works. The only  one  he got gifts  for was  his  father.  He  works at Walmart for goodness  sake!  I  gave  him  a  list!  
I also  have a feeling  of inadequacy.   I  for years bought  for  just  about everyone  I  knew.   I  can't do  that anymore.  Immediate  family only now!    The  kids  seemed happy with  what they got.  Of course  Sarah  got a  double dose, because  she went to  her Grandma's after and got  tons of stuff  plus a  hundred dollars from  her Dad and $100 gift  card from her uncle!  I think  the best thing about  Christmas this  year  was the  service at  church!   Living  Springs.
Anyhow, a lot  has  happened since August when I  last  blogged.   I  am  not  in  treatment anymore!   I am finished.    I am due for a CAT  scan in March.  Also visiting  the breast surgeon  in Jan  to discuss  reconstruction.  I should just jump  in the water  and do it!   Going thru life  as a  woman with  one breast is  hard.   Having two and a tummy tuck  would  be the bomb!  
As  usual  I will add a couple  pictures that I  have taken.  First is a sunset  of course, second is my new  hair!
Third  is our first snowfall of the  year.  Last is some  pigs.  I  like  that picture.   Shows just their backs  but  I  love the colors.  I love pigs in general.   We  raised some when I was a  kid.

Monday, August 15, 2011


Here in Saratoga County there are railroad tracks that crisscross everywhere.  Many country roads here have RR crossings including the one I live on now.  When I was in school and riding the bus we went on one route that went past the tracks on Bockes Rd. in Greenfield.  Sometimes we would be fortunate enough to have to wait for a train!  All the kids would be so excited because if we could we would count how many cars went by.  Can you imagine the whole busload of children counting, 1, 2, 3 etc.. as the train went by.  Sometimes it was just the sleek and fast Amtrak which was not possible to count.  Most often is was the ponderous freight trains coming from Corinth or some other northern town.  All those train tracks lay dormant for years and years after the mills in Corinth and north shut down.  Now we have the Saratoga and North Creek Railway that comes through and I just love to hear the train going by.  I can't quite see it because of the trees but one of these days I'm going to go down to the tracks and record it coming by!  I have a video clip on my Facebook page of the sound of it.  You can listen to it HERE.  We are also planning on riding it this fall and go up to North Creek for a few hours and play tourist. 

Sunday, August 14, 2011


I was brought up with fairly strict about manners.  I was taught not to interrupt adults, to chew with my mouth closed.  To use my napkin, let others be served first.  Sit like a lady, not to belch or pass gas in public.  Wear clean underwear, not to talk back to adults.  Say please and thank you.  I'm sure most of you know what I mean by the basics of manners.  I have to say I am shocked by the kids I see these days.  Talking rudely to adults, eating with their mouths open and with food in them.  Shoving and pushing by adults.  Always having to be first to get food at dinner time.  Being taught by adults to act tough and "gangsta".  Being encouraged to fight.  I have tried to raise my kids with manners.  My son I did pretty good, my daughter can be very rude to me but is polite in public and in school.  My stepson is a whole different story.  I told him today he must be a throw back to the Neanderthals and he didn't know what meant.  He thinks it is funny to fart out loud and in groups of people, especially at school.  He will jam large quantities of food in his mouth and let it dangle out while chewing.  I could go on all day about his behavior.  I find it just shocking and upsetting.  One of the big problems in my marriage is the behavior of this kid.  I try talking to my husband about it but he basically said that the kid is too old now to teach him anything?   I said "Are you out of your mind?  He is only 14.  This kid refuses to brush his teeth because he said it makes "food taste funny" after.
I need to see my counselor and talk to my stepson's counselor too before I loose my mind!

Baby got new shoes?

This memory is from when I was very young maybe 3 or 4.  My older sister Brenda and I were playing with the boy next door.  His name was George McIntyre.  George by the way is my friend on Facebook and has been living in Vietnam, I believe teaching English.  Anyhow we had a record player outside on the lawn near his yard and we were playing records.  For some reason I remember the song was something about Baby's got new shoes.  Maybe I'm wrong or confused.  I remember the green grass and it was sunny.  
 Maybe George will remember the record player and us playing records.

Saturday, August 13, 2011


My Mom taught me how to fish when I was a little girl.  We had a small creek that ran through the back of the property.  I loved the rare opportunities I got to run out and grab my fishing pole and dig up a couple worms  and head to the creek.  I learned quickly where the wily little brook trout loved to hang out in the deep pools and under the cut outs in the bank.  I had no style of course, I just dangled the worm in until I got a bite and yanked!  Most of the time I got nothing, but sometimes a fat little trout would come flying out and land in the bushes behind me.  The even got stuck in trees sometimes.  I bet those trout wondered what the heck happened!  I would run home with the fish to show my Mom most of the time.  We kept and ate the bigger ones and the little ones we put in the pond that my stepfather  had made.  I would love to go fish in that pond now, I bet it is full of trout!

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Strange life

I was thinking the other day about what a strange life I have had.  I've been places and done things and experienced so much.  I know a lot of things in my life are and have been unpleasant but I feel like writing about them sometimes.  Not to place blame or to shame anyone but just to maybe help myself reflect and figure out why I am the way I am.  There is no way I can put things in chronological order.  So I will just put down memories and try to remember when these things happened.  I will mix the happy with the sad.  The bad with the good.  I have done many shameful things but many things I am proud of also.  I think it would be redundant to start with, I was born and try to recount things in order.  My memory is not that good!  I don't remember being born.  I know we were poor.  My Mom told me how poor we were and how my Dad and her struggled to raise three kids.  My Dad built our house we lived in.  It had tar paper on it as long as I could remember.  He dug the well himself.  I don't remember much about living with my Dad because we left when I was very young.  I can really only remember a couple of things that happened living with my Dad.  I am not going to start remembering things in this entry.  I guess it is just going to be a start.  An introduction of sorts.  This picture is of me and my sister.  I am in red.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Summer time

I haven't posted in such a long time!  Things are going along as usual.  Travis got a job at Wal-mart and his first night was last night.  He took the bus to work from the train station.  Which reminds me that I want to hide a cache there!  There are some pretty interesting works of art and I think I will place a cache under one!  I found it ironic that the pieces were created at Salem art works where I just went caching with my Dad on Father's Day!  
I have really been enjoying the birds this year.  There has been numerous species with babies this year and I feel like I've been a part of that happening with my feeders.  
The garden is going along.  We have only harvested lettuce so far but the church garden has produced zucchini, beans and peas for the first time yesterday!  I was pleased to give one of our church members the first harvest!  
I just went out and checked my trumpet vine.  I have had it for 5 years and I think it is going to bloom.  I found buds on the ends of 3 vines!  I need to put a trellis up for them.  They were growing over the  top of the shed but Rich got upset over it saying they would rip off the tiles so they are draped over the side.  I need to rig some support up for them.  
I have finished my A/C portion of chemo and will start on the Taxol tomorrow.  The Dr. thinks it will be much easier on me.  I hope so.  The Rochester Air show is next weekend and I would like to go.  I am not going to book a room until I am sure of the weather.  It is a 4 hour drive out and back.  Rich is hesitant to take the car due to the transmission problem.  I know that most of the miles will be highway miles so I think it will be ok.  The kids would be free to get in.  I think if we take turns driving we can do it in a day, there and back and save on a hotel.  We can decide when it gets later on in the week.  Besides Rich and I are planning a trip to Atlantic City to see the Airshow next month.  If it rains we will spend the time touring casinos I guess.  No gambling however!  Or we can just cancel the trip.  Next month I am also going on my Casting for recovery retreat!  Very excited about that!  It is free too! 
I have a few entries for the fair this year.  Flowers, antiques, veggies.  Hope the veggies get going soon!  Might have to Miracle gro them!  I am also entering culinary with a chocolate cake.  So that is what is going on in my life right now.. not too exciting. 

Friday, May 27, 2011

Great website for us clipping coupons crazies

This website is fantastic for ideas on how to save money!  Join today!$Cippin4ACause$

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Happy Mother's Day!

I would like to wish everyone a Happy Mother's Day today.  I wish I could give my Mommy a gift today, but I will be sending her a package soon with some old family photos and a surprise!  Myself.. I received a bleeding heart plant, solar lights, a gift card and flowers and a cake! 
I was feeling pretty depressed and sorry for myself yesterday.  I didn't go to the Mother's Day tea at church because I just didn't feel like sitting around and smiling and trying to be happy.  I will go to church today and be happy there.  Maybe during the sermon we can get the bigger kids outside to start the garden.  I will see who is in charge of the class today and ask them.  Or we can do it after during fellowship.  Need to get those seeds in the ground soon! 
I am having a hard time dealing with being bald.  I am having a hard time dealing with only having one breast.  I feel very self conscious.  I try to project a positive appearance on the outside but inside I'm cringing.  Not that I'm a supermodel to begin with but I don't want people to look at me and feel sorry for me.  I have been getting the pity smile occasionally in public.  I just smile back and go on my way.  No one asks questions.  I just had one lady approach me out of the blue and tell me to stop by her spa and get some cooling gel for when I start chemo!  I haven't worn my wig.  I feel like that will make me stand out even more.  It is too tight anyhow.  I am supposed to go to look good feel good at the Cancer center on Monday and I will take it with me and see if they can fix it.  I'm hoping to get a prosthesis soon too.  Waiting for insurance approval.  Those light weight puffs don't cut it.  I look lopsided!  Maybe I can put a rock in it!  LOL  Anyhow I am trying to enjoy spring and my birds and the sunshine.  Blessings to all!

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Pain and more pain...

Ok I am going to whine just a little.. My back has been killing me!  Ok that is enough.. LOL  Spring has finally arrived here in the Northeast and things are just beautiful.  I really enjoy this time of year.  It is not too hot and we are finally seeing leaves and flowers.  The migratory birds are coming back.  I had my first hummingbird three days ago!  That is early for me!  I have pansies out in the boxes on the deck.
Chemo has been easier this time except for some strange pain in my shoulders and my back of course.  I have a little bit of numbness in my fingertips.  I need to get to the store and get some seeds to start soon.  Also bedding plants for food, cabbage, broccoli etc..  It is too early to start tomatoes but we can get some cold weather stuff going. 
Here are a couple spring pictures!  Red trillium and skunk cabbage!

Friday, April 29, 2011

The buzz happened!

My hair was falling out in clumps, so it was time to buzz it!

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

My very short hair and my new wig

Beautiful wild flower

This beautiful flower is growing in my back yard. Hoping for some ID help!  Update I believe this is Siberian Squill!

Friday, April 1, 2011

On vacation

I'm in Louisiana visting my Mom and brother etc. for the week. It is nice to get away from all the stress and just relax! Everything is so green down here and it will be up to 80 F today! Just beautiful! Snowing back home. Ha! Starting chemo a week after I get back however.. sucks.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

New Bzz Agent campaign!

I love Bzz Agent and Bzzing about new products.

Friday, March 11, 2011


A friend of mine on Facebook and someone I know personally mentioned that her son had her buy clams at the store.  That reminded me of something funny that happened when I first got out of the Air Force.  My brother Rich and I went to a bar/restaurant in Saratoga Springs for lunch.  The name of the place was Madame Jumel's.  It is named after a famous Victorian lady who was quite famous in her day in Saratoga.  He ordered clams for us.  I had never had clams before.  Back then my brother was quite the drinker and he and I had a couple drinks waiting for our clams.  I was getting quite tipsy by the time they came and we started eating them.  My brother is somewhat of a cut up and was taking the clam shells and making them talk using funny voices.  I was laughing so hard I was almost wetting my pants and everyone was staring at us.  I didn't care!  Always had a good time with my brother.  I still do and he has been sober several years now!  One time he had me in a shopping cart and was pushing me down the street in it.  We actually got pulled over by a police car!  I bet that was the first time they pulled over someone riding in a shopping cart!  They told us to stop because it was dangerous.  I got out and we waited until they left and he got me back in and took off with me down Caroline St.  Caroline St has a very steep hill and goes right past a lot of bars etc..  I was laughing and screaming my head off and then we saw the cop car again.  We abandoned the shopping cart and took off into a bar.  I sure love my brother, he has made my life very interesting!  Here is a picture of him at my wedding!  In the first picture he is standing with Tom Maily who used to be a reporter on a local TV station and is now the public relations manager of Stewart's in the area.  My brother is wearing the prank underwear I had under my dress for the garter ceremony!

Mood swings-Massive earthquake and Tsunami in Japan

There has been a massive earthquake and Tsunami that hit in Japan.  Hundreds of people dead, mass destruction.  Very upsetting to me.  Is this all part of what is in the bible about the end times?  Is Jesus coming back soon? 

I have been experiencing frequent mood swings lately.  I don't know if it is because of the cancer and being sick or because my medication isn't working or what..  I guess it is normal to be feeling this way but I feel tearful or hyper or just regular all in one day.  This is not bi-polar.  I have not heard of bi-polar having mood swings so rapidly.  Of course I really don't know if that is what I have.  The snow and lousy weather has been lingering and I have not been out much so I guess that can cause me to feel moody too.  I went out to breakfast with my father the other day and him and Nancy got me a nice comforter for the bed. 
Sarah has been spending a lot of time at her Grandmother's house.  She has been acting up in school, trying to skip class.  I think she learned her lesson because she got caught the first time!
My incision is still opened up quite a bit.  It seems to be healing but it happens so slowly it is hard for me to say one way or another.  I am off the antibiotics I just hope I don't get an infection.  I am keeping an eye out for redness and pain etc.. I have some antibiotics here just in case but they really give me terrible heartburn. 
Looking forward to church on Sunday and the St. Patricks day dinner after.  I am going to bring a dessert.  I haven't decided what to make yet.  Maybe cupcakes.  I don't want all the desserts to end up being cake like.  Cupcakes would be a big hit with the kids however!  I really don't have much news. 

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Surgery is done

I have had my surgery on Friday as scheduled.  I know that was 5 days ago, but I really haven't felt up to blogging until now.  My family has been blessed with great dinners from folks at church and a couple boxes of food stuffs too!  
My surgery site seems to be healing up ok.  I have two drainage tubes in and hopefully they will come out next week.  I am tired a lot but cannot sleep during the day no matter what I do to try.  I sleep good at night but the dog wakes me up two or three times and I am forced to get up.  Rich sleeps right through it.  Speaking of the dog, the lazy sluggard just got up from his early morning nap.  He takes that after breakfast I guess.  Lazy dog.  He should be doing something useful like fetching slippers or something.. 
I am waiting to hear more from my Doctors office or to get a call from the oncologists office with an initial set up appt.  I am not looking forward to this next part of the treatment at all.  I will have to get a port put in for the chemo too, so more surgery is coming up.  A port is a small metal device with catheters.  The catheters go into your major artery and the port is accessed with needles to administer the chemo and to draw blood etc..  It is usually placed in the chest area.  I will be sedated for the procedure which is good, I don't want to have to be awake!  
I am tired so I am going to attempt to sleep.  Probably won't happen, but I can try!  My husband has an annoying habit of slamming doors and coming into the bedroom clomping in his boots and then coming over and touching me.  So even if I am starting to fall asleep I am woken up. 

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Excerpt from Clarksfield pioneers book

Asa Wheeler, Sr., lived in Connecticut at the time of the war of the Revolution. He was drafted into the army and was put to work as teamster and helped to draw pork to Danbury after the town had been burned by the British, a depot of supplies having been established there by the military authorities. He was only eighteen years old and did not relish army life, so he managed to slip away one morning at sun rise. He was a noted runner and it is related that he reached his home, seventy miles away, at sunset. The officers were never able to catch him again. He came to Trumbull county, Ohio, where his wife died. His son Asa was married to Olive Minor, a sister of Daniel Minor, at Vienna, Trumbull county. In 1818 they came to Clarksfield with one child, Lovina, and the old gentlemen came with them. They settled on a piece of land up the river from the home of Benjamin Stiles, near the bank of the river. He raised his house July 13, 1818. Mr. Wheeler set out an orchard there, which was one of the first orchards in the town, if not the very first. In a few years he and his brother-in-law, Joseph Bartholamew, bought out Levi Barnum, who had built the mill, afterwards known as the "Hayes" mill, on the east branch. The business did not pay well enough for them to meet their obligations and they were glad to sell out to Johnson Wheeler (not a relative.) Mr. Wheeler then lived in different places; indeed, some say that he lived in more different houses than any other man in town. He worked for Captain Husted for some time running the grist mill and lived in a log house near the residence of William Stiles. In 1840 he lived in Wakeman and run the mill there. At the time of his death he lived at the Hollow in the house now owned by Dr. C. H. Foss. His children were Sally Lovina, who married Wheeler Percy and who died in 1897; Bethia, the first white girl born in Clarksfield, whose birthday was Nov. 15, 1818. She died in 1836. Anson W., who married, first, Martha Easterly and second, Amanda (Johnson) Wilson, and who lives in Pennsylvania at present. Lucretia, who married Oliver Dunning and lives in Missouri. Mary Ann, who died in 1869. William W., who married Martha Prosser and who lives in California. Lucy, who married Cyrus Dunning and who lives in Nebraska. Lemuel, who is unmarried and lives in Nebraska. In 1836, Mrs. Wheeler died. He then married Sophia Hill, a sister of Ben Hill. She had a daughter, Betsy Wheeler, who is unmarried and lives with her brother Lemuel. Asa Wheeler died in 1875, eleven days after his wife, at the age of 81. Olive Wheeler’s mother came to live with her and the two old people, Asa Wheeler, Sr., and Mrs. Minor, concluded to get married. They afterward went to Daniel Minor’s to live. Asa Wheeler was living at "Hayesville" before 1826 and his wife is said to have taught the first school in that part of the township, the school being held in their house.

Lazy day

Yesterday, I indulged in being very lazy.  I was tired all day, got up at 6:00 to get the kids ready for school and went back to bed until around 9:00.  Got up for a couple hours and went back to bed from around 11:30 until 2:00.  I read that having actual cancer can make people tired.  I wish I would be loosing weight, but then again if I was I would be terminal, so we will skip that wish!  I need to lay off the cookies!
I went over to my Aunt Janice's last night for a sub and chips and she cut and colored my hair.
She wanted to experiment and added a cap of neutral blonde into it and the results were a shade lighter!  I had gotten a coupon for a free box of  foaming haircolor in the mail and gave it to her because I won't be needed it in a couple months!  So this color will see me thru to chemo!  At least I will look my age and not like I'm older.  I am starting to get scared.  Hard to believe that this is happening to me!  No one expects breast cancer when there is NO family history.  I am the family pioneer I guess. 
Speaking of pioneers, my Aunt Janice and I looked through her old family pictures.  I don't have any to show here but on the Wheeler side of the family, my Grandpa owned a dairy farm near Schaghticoke, NY.  After that was sold he bought a bar I think and then built a general store and had cabins out back to let to tourists.  The general store is still there but I believe it is a house.  Grandpa Wheeler originally came from Ohio.  His family can be traced back to the Revolutionary War where Asa Wheeler Sr. served under Gen. George Washington.  He was one of the founders of a town called Clarksfield in Ohio.  He owned a mill there.

The old gentleman on the far left is Asa Wheeler Jr., I believe.  The man with the dark hair and mustache is his son, I believed named Anson.

I don't belong to anymore so I'm not sure of all the names. 
Anyhow, today I am going to pre-op to get my blood draw, EKG and maybe a chest X-ray to check for spread of the cancer to other areas.  Tomorrow I have to go in the morning to family court because Travis' father was called in by Medicaid.  I wish I didn't have to go. 
I have made arrangements for Sarah to spend the weekend at her Grandmothers.  I am starting to feel stressed, Rich keeps coming in the bedroom and standing behind me and it is bothering me.  I better take a Zanax now before I get too paranoid.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Surgery on Friday

I saw my surgeon today and surgery is scheduled for this Friday early AM.  I want to go and get it done.  I will need chemo and radiation.  The tumor size has been upgraded to a Stage 3 plus 1.  5 year survival rate is 67%.  My life is so chaotic now and this is really going to push me to the limit I think.  I really need my husband to step up and help more with the kids.  He cooks and cleans but I will need him to take care of the kids and animals for a while.  Here is a picture of the tumor.  It is the large white blob on the breast image on the right even though the tumor is actually on the left.  It is a reverse image.  Below it you can see a smaller circular blob and that is the sentinal node that has the cancer in it also. 

Saturday, February 5, 2011


I just had jealousy raise its ugly head in my heart.  Saw a post from my old boss on Facebook about how she is waiting for her daughter to get up so they can spend the day shopping, having lunch and laughing.  Why would I be jealous of that?  Because we are so goddamn broke I can't even afford to buy my daughter socks.  I get so angry sometimes about the situation we are in. 

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Hubby on the roof

My husband is up on the roof shoveling it off.  We have had problems with it leaking so he needs to get the snow off.  He wants to build a peaked roof  this summer but I think just sealing it would be better because I have no plans on living here forever!
Still waiting to hear from the Doctors office.  It will be a week tomorrow since the biopsies.  Come on people!  I left a message yesterday and got no response.  Maybe she is running it past the "tumor board" first.  Yes that is what they call it!  Our big snow storm turned out to be a storm dud.  We did get about a foot of snow maybe less.  I think the period of sleet cut it down. This picture is from downtown Saratoga Springs.
We went into town and I got one prescription filled and like an idiot for got to get the other two that I had called in.  Now will have to go back in tomorrow.  Also one I wanted filled had to get "pre-approved".  It is Ambien CR instead of the regular Ambien.  What a crock of crap!  Darn insurance companies.  They had to pre approve my MRI too!  From what I read, if you need chemotherapy that has to also be pre approved!  Dr. to patient, "I'm sorry we can't begin your life saving treatment until it is pre-approved"..  

Wednesday, February 2, 2011


I let myself get over tired last night and by 11 PM was a basket case, I was wanting to go to bed and the kids were stalling and pestering.  The one with the bowel issues decided he needed to go into the bathroom and "Take a poop" as he likes to announce to the entire house.  He is 13 by the way.  Almost 14.  He can clear out a house with the smell of his bowels.  I really lost my temper and was ranting on with bad curse words about that and insinuated to my daughter that she was being a bad word.  I was so worked up that the Ambien wasn't working.  I had to take a Zanax to calm myself down.  I was so angry I just lay in bed thinking how my life sucks and everyone would be better off without me anyhow.  I prayed and asked God for help and then for forgiveness.  I fell asleep shortly after.  I think the stress of waiting for the biopsy results are really getting to me.  Just to think the real battle hasn't even begun yet.  I hope I don't completely loose it and end up in mental health!

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

The waiting is the hardest part...

Isn't that part of a song?  I am still waiting for the biopsy results.  My left breast is swollen and a sickly yellow color from the bruising.  I went to my regular Dr. yesterday and she said there is no infection and some swelling is normal from the abuse it took.  She seemed very sad when I told her that I have breast cancer.  She knew something was wrong and I don't think she is happy that it took this long to get a diagnosis.  Of course I still don't have an "Official" diagnosis.  I just feel like I'm in limbo.  Wanting to get this on with.  It has been nearly a month since I saw the specialist for the first time.  Another month down the drain.  I am not going into details yet, but I have contacted an attorney.  What worries me about that is if I do win, I will probably loose my health insurance.  Rich said not to worry because we can pay for it but health insurance is expensive if you pay privately.  Maybe I can work something into the settlement if there is one that they have to pay our health insurance...  worth trying I suppose!

The huge winter storm is on its way here.  They are expecting up to 24 inches here.  We have plenty of food, just hoping the electricity does not go out.   Here is a picture of a Junco, a Chickadee and a really weird looking bird, a red headed snow shoveler!

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Another trip to Albany

Tomorrow is another trip to Albany, this time with Sarah to her endocrinologist.  Her sugars have been terrible so I am hoping they will either let us put her back on the pump or increase her insulin or something.  I feel like I haven't been taking very good care of her lately due to my own problems.  I need to keep a log book in her kit to track her levels. 
I didn't feel very good this morning.  I got a little overwhelmed thinking of everything.  Getting ready for church, going to Albany, going to see my own PCP Monday afternoon.  I am just so TIRED.  We are supposed to get a big storm coming in Wed and that will probably be when they want to see me in Albany again.  I'm sure the lab results will be in by then.  I was told if they are negative I will get a surgical biopsy, but the way they worked me over on Friday makes me pretty sure they got some good samples.  I hope I didn't freak out or offend anyone with the graphic photos in my last blog.  Flikr flagged me so I took them off.  For some reason this website won't let me upload from my own computer directly like I used to.  I keep getting error messages.  I did make it to church today and enjoyed the sermon.  Pastor Brown prayed for me directly.  He asked me if I wanted to be annointed with oil but I was still feeling a little freaked out and I wasn't ready for that.  Maybe next week or so.  I don't want to have people feel like they need to feel sorry for me.  I do appreciate the support and well wishes I have received however.  I have gotten some good advice but feel it is so early in the game that I can't use it right now.  I wish we could get the show on the road here! 

Friday, January 28, 2011

Multiple biopsies

Today was biopsy day again at Albany Med.  The staff got me right in and I can't rave enough about the gentle, caring staff that took care of me today.  I was given an ultrasound first to locate the areas and the charge RN Barbara was at my side for the whole procedure.  Dr. Whitehead was so great.  She explained everything in detail.  I had several numbing shots and she took several biopsies from the main mass and then from the affected lymph node near my armpit.  Then she moved onto the right breast and took biopsies there.  They then placed 3 markers under the skin in the areas.  I now have titanium in me!  I have attached some pictures of the bandaged up area.  They aren't too pretty, but it is what I'm dealing with.  I am a little uncomfortable but not to much.
 biopsy 1
biopsy 2biopsy 3

Pictures have been removed due to possible objectional content.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Biopsies tomorrow

I am going back down to Albany tomorrow to get several biopsies done on the main mass and the mini mass that they suspect is a lymph node.  The MRI also showed up two suspicious areas in the right breast so they will biopsy those also.  I am going to be a pincushion!  Just want a diagnosis so I can move forward with treatment.  I want to get out and try to do something today.  Even if it is just getting to the pet store for meal worms for the lizard.  Pick up something for dinner.  Rich made a great potroast last night, so maybe that will be leftovers.  My appetite has not been that great.  I get hungry but have been eating less. 

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Freezing cold and MRI's

We went down to Albany yesterday.  Three blocks from the hospital we hit the Moby Dick of potholes.  It was too late when I saw it to warn Rich and BANG!  That pothole was so big I couldn't see the bottom of it!  Needless to say, we had a flat tire when we arrived at the hospital.  I went in and they took me in right away for the MRI.  I have to tell you that was such a painful procedure with my back the way it is.  My upper back immediately seized up and I was in agony for 1/2 hr.  Laying there still with my head on this rester.  Then my head started hurting.  I was nearly in tears by the time they were done and just getting off the table was torture.  I had to lay face down with my boobs in these holes by the way.  Click on boobs in holes to see a picture of the table.  Mine was not pink.

I found out today that they now want to see all my old mammo's from up here in Saratoga, so Saratoga is MAILING them down.  I am so upset that this is taking so long.  Why can't anyone just tell me what the hell is growing in me?

Friday, January 21, 2011

My breast mass journey summary

I first found a small lump above my left nipple about a year ago and the nipple began retracting.  I kept an eye on it waiting for it to go away on its own.  Finally when my sister came to visit in May of last year I had her look at it and she freaked and told me to go to a Dr.  My regular Dr. was very concerned and had me go get a mammo and ultrasound.  The mammo picked up nothing and the ultrasound just revealed cysts.  Meanwhile I still had this hard mass above my nipple and it actually goes down and around it deep into the breast tissue.  I had a small core biopsy done by guided ultrasound and that came back negative.  Personally I think the Dr. took the sample from the wrong area.  The surgeon I saw pretty much dismissed it saying I was too young for cancer, no family history etc.  I asked him what the hard mass was and he said "I don't know but if it still bothers you come back in a couple months".  I was pretty disgusted by the whole was I was blown off and ended up loosing my health insurance anyhow.  Now that I have it back I went back to my PCP and she sent me to a specialist in Albany, NY.  She took one look at my breast (which has a nearly full nipple retraction by now) and said "Oh my goodness".  She did two needle biopsies right there and I have an MRI scheduled for this Monday (this was previously suggested by the last ultrasound reading but ignored by surgeon #1)  The biopsy came back with "atypical cells".  This mass fills my entire palm when I grasp it.  It is about the size of a softball cut in half.  Dr. is talking about doing a core biopsy after the MRI. 

Friday, January 14, 2011

The weight of the world

I have been so stressed out lately.  Going to Four Winds doing the outpatient program, coming home and taking care of the kids, trying to help around the house, trying to get sleep and trying to spend time with Rich.  Not to mention the bills that aren't getting paid..  I am not going to be able to go to school this spring because of the upcoming surgery and I have applied for Social Security Disability and will probably be turned down and have to get a lawyer.  I can't collect unemployment because I told the Feds I am not able to work.  I feel like I just screwed myself and the whole family over.  I am going to look into other options and in the meantime have applied for food stamps and will apply for HEAP.  Waiting for my landlord to give me a letter I need.  I hope he isn't waiting for rent before he gives it to me!
I am just really struggling mentally right now because I have been the responsible one for so long, for so many years and I not only feel guilty, I feel afraid too.  I am glad we will be getting income tax return soon, we will have to spend it wisely, on bills and living expenses etc..  
My Mom isn't doing well, she thinks she will be passing on soon.  She just feels weaker and weaker.  I just hope I can see her one more time before that happens...

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Happy New Year?

Yes, it is officially a new year.  I don't celebrate New Year's eve.  Always found it to be overrated.  Leave it to the drunks.  I tried to go to bed but found myself lying away as usual and then had an allergy attack.  While waiting for the sudafed to kick in I heard the fireworks going off 5 miles away in Saratoga.  My husband was snoring next to me.  I finally gave up and took one of his Ambien.  I need them more than he does!  
Tomorrow Rich and I are going to spend $40 and try something new.  We are going to go take a beginners Polo lesson.  Yes, polo as on a horse with a mallet and chasing a ball!  Lets hope we keep it to a walk the first night!  
On Monday I go Four Winds for my first day.  I have to have one full day and then I go three days a week for 1/2 day.  On my days off and in the mornings, I will have to finish up getting ready for school and go to the specialist in Albany for my breast.  The lump in it is very large and my breast is quite misshapen.  I can imagine I will have to have surgery.  I want to get it removed what ever it is.  It is large and uncomfortable.  Anyhow, back to Four Winds, I am going to get an evaluation and probably get new meds.  I am hoping they can come up with some diagnosis.  I seem to have some symptoms of bi-polar disorder and may have been not on the right type of meds all along.  
In Feb Rich and I have reservations to take a bus trip to Atlantic City.  We will be staying at The Tropicana!  I am not planning on spending much if any time in the actual casino.  I want to go out and walk on the boardwalk and go to the aquarium and do some sightseeing.  I want to go back to Washington D.C. this year too.  Rich and I should get some passports in case a good deal comes up to travel.  Well I am hoping for a happy and healthy new year and wish the same to all my family and friends.