Thursday, May 24, 2012

Memorial Day Weekend

So Memorial Day weekend is upon us.  I don't have much planned except hosting a geocaching event on Saturday afternoon at the Humpty Dumpty's ice cream place in Saratoga.  I have been going there since a kid for ice cream.  It was always such a treat to go there.  My sister, Brenda is currently in Illinois attending Geowoodstock X. They drove up thru Arkansas and Missouri.  They went to St. Louis too.  I think they have gone to a few Geowoodstocks.  Last years was in PA but I didn't go.  I may go to the Berkshire Geobash in Massachusetts next month.  
I leased another horse this week.  I am hoping this won't turn out to be a disaster like leasing Stanley the 33 year old quarter horse was.  Honey is a 16 year old Belgian who is used for lessons.  My first time alone with her went well up until I tried to mount and she decided she didn't want to be mounted and kept moving away from the block.  Next time I go, that will be something we will have to work on.  She is trained not to do that, so I think she is testing me!  She was being a bit ornery while riding too.  I think next time I will try an English saddle.  I have been getting bruised up on my right leg from the Western saddle for some reason, and besides I want to be able to practice posting the trot.  I like the Western saddle but find it hard to sit a trot.  She will only trot a little and then stops I think because I bounce so much!  
I am hoping we can go do some sightseeing in the next few weeks.  I have been staying home too much and am getting a little depressed I think.  We haven't been really doing much because the car keeps having problems with overheating.  We have to run the heater to keep the motor cooled.  Not much fun when it is hot out.  There are a lot of things I want to do this summer.. so we will have to see.  I want to get some camping things together and go camping.  We need another tent for the kids, a camp stove and a pump for the air mattress.  I refuse to sleep on the hard ground!  A few sleeping bags would be nice too but we can pack blankets.  It will be cheaper than staying in a motel.  There are some areas I want to explore south down in the Hudson valley and there are a lot of state parks down there too.  Not too far from NYC either.  We can camp and go down to the zoo.
Rich has been doing some work for the neighbor who moved in.  Things have been getting wilder in the park.  A lot of arguments, drinking, fights etc.. This place is a zoo in itself!  Bunch of white trash around here.  I had a blog about it but decided it was not nice to gossip.   I don't understand why people have to act like they do.  I hate living in a place like this.  I'm right in the middle of all the feuding. 
Anyhow.. the garden is coming along nicely.  I still want to plant some peas and beans and try some potatoes again.  I might try growing them in a bucket.  I saw some seed potatoes at the store but last time I just bought a cheap bag of potatoes and waited for them to sprout and used those.  Maybe the seed potatoes will work better.  I also want to build a compost bin.  I looked online and saw I can make one out of a regular plastic trash can.  You just roll them around to turn the compost and in a couple weeks it should be ready!  With the compost pile all the good stuff just washes down into the ground underneath.  I want some nice compost tea to water my plants with.  I hope everyone has a fun and safe weekend, remember the real reason for Memorial Day and thank a Veteran!

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Life as a Fat Woman

The arms.. the belly.. the legs.. ugh
I will admit it and I do, I am fat.  Not just fat.. according to the current height and weight charts I am obese.  To me obese is the 350 lb woman in the riding cart at Wal-mart.  I am not so large I turn heads.  I am not bragging of course.. far from it.  I am FAT.  In my mind however I am not fat.  I look at my arms and see normal arms.  I can see my toes if I lean over slightly.  I can bend over and squat and rise.   I struggle however to tie my shoes, put on socks and if I have to kneel on the floor or ground it is hard to get back up.  I do have joint issues and some mobility issues.  Probably from the excess weight.  I have tried dieting and exercise.  It never lasts long because I obsess about food.  It makes me hungrier.  I think for me I will just have to eat healthier and get more exercise.  
I see photos of myself and I am shocked about how fat I really look.  I hate it.  I look old and fat.  I get disgusted with myself.  I see overweight women who can look really good with hair, make up and the right clothes.  Me.. I just am not one of them!  I am going to post a picture that I hate on here.  I usually screen my pictures carefully but this time I'm posting a bad one.
I hate my neck

I hate the double chin

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

My husbands cooking blog

My husband is a pretty decent cook and makes nearly all the meals in this family.  Here is his blog where he will share recipes and some family history!

Sicilian from the park

Dad's Tomato Garden Journal

I was very sad to hear of the passing of Ray White from Dad's Tomato Garden Journal today.  He was such a wonderful man who always have such words of wisdom.  Not only about tomatoes but about life in general.  Please stop by his blog and see for yourself what it was all about.  He was not only the World's oldest blogger but an author too as of this year!

Dad's Tomato Garden Journal

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Bored.. rainy day

Today and yesterday have been long and boring days for me.  Yesterday I was just feeling melancholy.  I don't know why, it was a beautiful day but I was just tired and blah.  The day before that I was in a almost Zen like state.  Everything just flowed.  I took Sarah to the mall and we watched a movie and then shopped.  Things were just so strange for me.  I was in a completely peaceful state of mind.  Even when I ran over the grill part in the road before I had time to avoid it!  I napped yesterday and today.  Have been having bad dreams.  Yesterday I dreamed that I had a baby and I was in this room and went into another room that was closed off because it was "haunted".  I went in and looked around and it was full of antique type things.  Then the dream changed and I went to check on the baby and I found this wire spring diaper cover on it that I had found in the haunted room.  I took it off and saw that the wire had cut the baby just above the hip all the way to the bone.  I was very upset and was carrying the baby and trying to find the hospital.  I was in a city I didn't recognize and kept getting lost.  The baby was not bleeding but with the gaping wound I knew it would die.  I woke up thank God.  I normally have dreams were I am very anxious or scared.  I hate it.  I know it is probably from anxiety in my own life.
I've been thinking lately about going back to work.  Not at my old job.  I couldn't do that kind of work anymore.  I'm too slow.  I would be able to do private duty or something like that.  I would not like childcare unless it was for an infant.  I don't have the strength to deal with a toddler or older child.  I think Social Security offers some kind of job retraining so I may look into that soon.  I think clerical or social work would be nice. 
I like helping people.  I really don't know what classes I would have to take.  I was going to take classes to be a drug and alcohol counselor but I may not like that because I have a very narrow point of view with alcoholics.  Not so much that I dislike them, I just don't like being around someone actively drinking.  After living with a drunk for 12 years... yeah.
I don't think I would be able to work on a job that required standing for 8 hours or doing a lot of lifting.  I can technically stay on SSD for 2 more years before I am going to be re-evaluated.  The money situation here is not good however with my husband not working.  He is going to school full time online but claims he can't find a job.  He refuses to get a job that involves "manual labor" or that doesn't pay what he thinks he should earn.  So meanwhile we scrape to get by every month.  It looks like we are doing ok because we go on trips etc.. but believe me those trips are a product of  budgeting and penny pinching and finding deals!  Most of the time we are barely getting by.  We have to go to the food pantry sometimes.  I get so angry about having to live like this.  I realize that I am rich compared to some people in the world who don't even have a hut to live in.  Children starve to death everyday.  I have a tendency to look on the dark side of life.  My cup is half empty.  I worry constantly.  What would happen if the car broke down, such as the transmission going.  I don't have money to fix something like that. 
I try to budget but my husband squanders money.  I treat my daughter now and then to things but he buys all kinds of crap we don't need.  I don't know.. life just sucks sometimes.

As usual I will close with a picture.