Tuesday, March 12, 2013

The gun

I have a gun in my bedroom.  It is a single shot shotgun.  I think about it at night while I am trying to sleep.  I am starting to worry about it.  I worry about having an intruder break in and it sitting there in a corner collecting dust and I'm fumbling for the key to unlock it and load it.  I feel I want to lock my bedroom door at night too.  I don't know why I am scared.  I unlocked the gun and have it next to my bed now.  There is a shell on the bedside table.  I think if someone broke in they would get me before I got them anyhow.  I am being paranoid, I know.  Also I am not planning on shooting anyone or myself.  Just for clarification purposes.

Sunday, March 10, 2013


Lately, my life just seems meaningless.  I hate getting up every morning knowing that everything is going to be the same.  Nothing ever changes.  I feel like I'm just waiting to die.  I am so angry and sad and feel so hopeless.  I sit here and look at my husband next door going on with his life, already with a new woman, like our marriage was nothing.  I was nothing.  Just a fucking roof and grocery bag to him.  Fuck him.  
I'm so stupid.  I spent over $60 for a 3 month subscription to match.com.  What a waste of money.  I should of known better.  Even the ugly guys aren't interested in me.  Of course who am I to judge who is ugly?  Who the hell would want me anyhow.  Fat, one titted, crazy old bitch.  
I sat today and watched my friends in St. Croix have fun for two hours.  TWO HOURS.  Wishing I was there.  Instead I sit here and play stupid facebook games.  Pretend farms, pretend amusement parks... waiting to die.  Waiting for the cancer to come back.  Eat, sleep, play games, scoop cat shit, pretend and pretend and pretend.  Who the hell really cares?  No one.  What have I done to make a difference?  Nothing.  I sit here and think about life and what happens when you die.  I want to believe in a God.  Why does He have to be invisible?  Why do we have to have faith?  Are we going to go to heaven or just rot in a hole and not know any better?  Or worse, what if hell is real?  Must suck to live in India and be a Hindu or something like that then.  
Live your life, live a good life and you die and oh shit.. you get to burn in hell for eternity because you guessed wrong.  God loves you!