Monday, November 21, 2016


I texted him yesterday that I guess he doesn't want to talk to me anymore and that I would leave him alone.  That got a response.
Not a positive one however, it was all about him.  How I must think he is lazy, how I need to be more positive, I'm playing school yard games etc..  I told him that not talking to me for three days is kind of like playing school yard games too.  Anyhow, I guess if I want to see him, I just have to accept the fact that he works every day, all day and not to expect anything less.  I just hope these damn house owners go to Florida for a couple months!  Maybe this cold weather will get them to change their minds about staying up here.
I don't know what kind of future Mike and I could have.  What will happen when he is done working on the house?  Move or stay?  If he moves, will he want me to go with him?  Funny, I wanted a boyfriend without the boyfriend hassle and that is what I got.  I'm dating a stone wall.
Light flurries today, windy and cold.  Work 7-11 tonight.

Saturday, November 19, 2016

Still being ignored.

Day three and still being ignored.  I sent a happy text about the weather, expecting no response and haven't had one.  I will not text again until Monday and invite him to a movie for Tuesday.  If I do not hear back, I will move on.  I know it is over but I still have that tiny thread of hope.  I feel like the dog still waiting for that bone, or a crumb to fall from his plate.  
Bill U messaged me today trying to get me to go over to his motel room and have sex with him.  Really????  No.  He is not only very unattractive to me, he is literally mentally ill and is homeless.  I do not want to get involved with him.  He is probably hoping I'll let him move in with me.  Like hell!  I don't need that in my life.
I am not without compassion for his situation, but he is a life long moocher and is mentally unstable.  He just got out of the hospital for stabbing himself after this girl broke up with him and made him leave.  The one that he was going to spend the rest of his life with, the love of his life he had only known two days.  No thanks....
I was involved with Bill around 12 years ago, just a fling after I had left Dave temporarily.  Bill was good in bed, but crazier than a bedbug.  That didn't last long!
I know I should go somewhere and take a walk to clear my mind, but I don't want to leave the house.  It looks so nice out, but my depression is weighing down on me.  It is going to snow tomorrow.
I've been reading Drums of Autumn, the 4th book I think in the Outlander series.  

Friday, November 18, 2016

Still struggling

I am still struggling with my feelings for Mike.  He has been giving me the silent treatment again and I'm really just sick of it.  I really think he is just a player and had no real interest in me outside of a date now and then and booty call.  I think the problem is that I had become infatuated with him.  He seemed so exotic to me.  
Did nothing today except wash some dishes and make tuna noodle casserole.  I was thinking of going to Syracuse this weekend, but they are supposed to get a big snow storm.  I don't want to drive in that.

Thursday, November 17, 2016

Self Sabotaging behavior

I asked Mike if he wanted to take next Thursday off (T-day) and spend it with me.  I got the usual runaround about work schedule and so much work to do and how both sisters and the husband will be at the house, blah blah blah.  I told him that he said to me just a few days ago "no wonder I'm single".  I suggested that he is single because he wants to be or he is self sabotaging himself or he isn't really interested in me.  I got no response of course.  He thinks I don't understand.  I see what he is doing, but I guess what I don't understand is WHY is he doing it?  I don't want to be just the booty call now and then.  I want a relationship with someone who is going to take the time to be with me.  Not this sneaking around BS.

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Fall 2016

I really need to write more in this.  Seriously.  My spring and summer were fairly uneventful.  I went to NH a couple of times.  One time for fun, well not too fun because Krys's mother just died.  She died from advanced alcoholism and neglect.  Anyhow, we went to see America's Stonehenge.
This is a very ancient place with ruins, a sacrificial table and stones laid out in a pattern that align with the full moons and solstices/equinox.  We spent the night in Manchester.  The next day we went to the ocean.  We visited Parker River National Wildlife Refuge and swam in the ocean.  I got swept off my feet in the surf and couldn't get up.  I kept getting knocked over again and again until I got Travis to help me up.  My bathing suit was packed full of sand!  
I drove up to Burlington, VT a couple times to bring Sarah to and from her friends house so she could go to a convention.  The trip to San Antonio was fun.  I didn't get a new truck.  :(  I love the Riverwalk in SA.  Beautiful and tropical.  Travis and I toured the Alamo.  
I've started therapy again.  I've been going for quite a while now.  I have a new counselor, my old one got a new job.  I like this new one, Carol.  I can't say my depression is much better or worse.  It just is.  My biggest source of anxiety right now is this guy I've been seeing.  His name is Michael.  He was born in Trinidad.  He is in my opinion a very nice looking and sexy man.  He is very reserved and guarded however and I do not know how I stand with him.  I am lucky to see him once a week.  The whole situation is strange.  His living arrangements, his job and his willingness to take the time to see me.  He is truly an enigma.  I feel great when I'm with him, but when I'm not with him I feel off balance and unsure of my relationship (if I can call it that) with him.  I feel like I'm a dog waiting for him to drop a couple crumbs or  toss me a bone now and then.  This is not the kind of relationship I need or want.  I ask myself if he makes me feel special, good about myself, needed or wanted and I can't honestly say yes to any of those things.  At the same time however, I don't want to just give him up.  Next to him, I feel like a fat and ugly blob.  I can't imagine what he sees in me and I feel like he is just using me for a piece of ass now and then.  So it's hard to tell if the issue is with me or with him or with both of us.  The last time I was with him, he was trying to get intimate with me but I didn't want to.  I gave him a long hug and told him that I missed him and I got no response.  
Well, enough whining about that.  I'm not looking forward to winter. I don't want to deal with the cold and snow.  I got my passport however.  Wish I had the money to go somewhere.  The urge to run away comes and goes.  Right now it is pretty strong.  Update on today.  Took a nap this afternoon, then went and met up with Mike to see the movie Arrival.  He is so funny.  He had already purchased my ticket and the snacks when I got there.  We were getting ready to walk on and I asked him "can I carry anything".  He just gives me this look, with an eye brow barely cocked up.  I knew exactly what he meant.  Bad boy.