Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Fall 2016

I really need to write more in this.  Seriously.  My spring and summer were fairly uneventful.  I went to NH a couple of times.  One time for fun, well not too fun because Krys's mother just died.  She died from advanced alcoholism and neglect.  Anyhow, we went to see America's Stonehenge.
This is a very ancient place with ruins, a sacrificial table and stones laid out in a pattern that align with the full moons and solstices/equinox.  We spent the night in Manchester.  The next day we went to the ocean.  We visited Parker River National Wildlife Refuge and swam in the ocean.  I got swept off my feet in the surf and couldn't get up.  I kept getting knocked over again and again until I got Travis to help me up.  My bathing suit was packed full of sand!  
I drove up to Burlington, VT a couple times to bring Sarah to and from her friends house so she could go to a convention.  The trip to San Antonio was fun.  I didn't get a new truck.  :(  I love the Riverwalk in SA.  Beautiful and tropical.  Travis and I toured the Alamo.  
I've started therapy again.  I've been going for quite a while now.  I have a new counselor, my old one got a new job.  I like this new one, Carol.  I can't say my depression is much better or worse.  It just is.  My biggest source of anxiety right now is this guy I've been seeing.  His name is Michael.  He was born in Trinidad.  He is in my opinion a very nice looking and sexy man.  He is very reserved and guarded however and I do not know how I stand with him.  I am lucky to see him once a week.  The whole situation is strange.  His living arrangements, his job and his willingness to take the time to see me.  He is truly an enigma.  I feel great when I'm with him, but when I'm not with him I feel off balance and unsure of my relationship (if I can call it that) with him.  I feel like I'm a dog waiting for him to drop a couple crumbs or  toss me a bone now and then.  This is not the kind of relationship I need or want.  I ask myself if he makes me feel special, good about myself, needed or wanted and I can't honestly say yes to any of those things.  At the same time however, I don't want to just give him up.  Next to him, I feel like a fat and ugly blob.  I can't imagine what he sees in me and I feel like he is just using me for a piece of ass now and then.  So it's hard to tell if the issue is with me or with him or with both of us.  The last time I was with him, he was trying to get intimate with me but I didn't want to.  I gave him a long hug and told him that I missed him and I got no response.  
Well, enough whining about that.  I'm not looking forward to winter. I don't want to deal with the cold and snow.  I got my passport however.  Wish I had the money to go somewhere.  The urge to run away comes and goes.  Right now it is pretty strong.  Update on today.  Took a nap this afternoon, then went and met up with Mike to see the movie Arrival.  He is so funny.  He had already purchased my ticket and the snacks when I got there.  We were getting ready to walk on and I asked him "can I carry anything".  He just gives me this look, with an eye brow barely cocked up.  I knew exactly what he meant.  Bad boy.

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