Sunday, December 24, 2017

Christmas Eve 2017

Thinking today about Christmases past.  How hard my Mom tried to make it nice for me, my sister and brother.  Having to stretch what few dollars she had.  My stepfather was miserly and I really don't remember my Dad going out of his way to get us gifts.  
My Mom loved playing Santa.  She would put all kinds of things in our stockings, fruit and nuts at the bottom, then little things like Bonnie Bell flavored lip balm, Lifesavers, always a candy cane!  When I still believed in Santa, it was always so magical to wake up on Christmas day to find my stocking on the foot of the bed.  I remember waking up and then poking around with my toes until I found it.  Hearing it rustle and feeling it's weight down there was so exciting.  I shared a bedroom with my sister, so the first one awake always woke up the other one.  We would get our brother and see what Santa left for us.  
As I got older, I would lay in bed awake, waiting for "Santa".  I would pretend to be asleep while my Mom would sneak in to put the stocking on the bed.  It was so hard not to giggle or react.  I was good and waited, well most of the time.  As I got older, I would take things out to see what was in there.  
We weren't allowed to come out of our rooms until my Mom and stepfather were up and had their coffee.  Then we were allowed in to the living room.  On Christmas eve we always had cookies and hot chocolate.  It was so exciting to wait for Santa.  I used to look out the window trying to see Rudolph's nose!
We had to be very careful unwrapping our gifts.  My Mom would save and reuse paper, so we were not allowed to tear into our gifts.  My stepfather didn't like us to show any sign of "greed".
We got gifts that would entertain us for a long time.  Games, crafts, sleds,etc..  My Mom would knit or crochet hats, mittens and scarfs. She always made a delicious dinner.  
As an adult, I spent a lot of money on my kids for Christmas.  I always tried to make it special for them.  After I had my daughter, her paternal Grandmother went crazy with gifts.  She would spend so much money, especially for Sarah.  I remember her first or second birthday, there were so many gifts, the tree was half covered!  
As I got older and my kids aren't little anymore, Christmas became more and more stressful for me.  I felt I had to buy gifts for everyone in my family.  I always felt as if it was never good enough.  I haven't put a tree up in about 3 years.  I was always afraid of the cats breaking my ornaments and Sarah was living at her Grandmother's house.  
Maybe someday I will find Christmas joy again.  This year, I am just watching from the sidelines and being grateful for what I already have.

Wednesday, December 13, 2017


I am cold, freezing my ass off.  I hate winter and it isn't even winter yet!  I think I need a different space heater in my bedroom.  The one I have claims it is 73F in here but I'm sure it isn't!  I'll have to find a thermometer to check.  I've been using the wood stove occasionally but I won't have enough wood to last the winter if I use it every day.  The water heater has been replaced, finally!  The repairman was going to submit an estimate to do the ceiling.  I don't think the grant from the VA will cover it however.  I paid $450 toward the hot water heater and the grant was for $750.  After the rest of the heater is paid, there won't be much left over.  I guess I'll have to do it myself.  I bought a dehumidifier for the living room, so I'm hoping that will help with the condensation leaks.  I'm loosing a lot of heat however.  I keep the thermostat turned way down.  It is set around 55F.  

Friday, November 24, 2017


I had a very bad day yesterday.  All week in fact.  My water heater is dead and I have no water, waiting to get enough money to get the damn thing replaced.  I have been in contact with the county veteran agency for help and I can also contact social services for emergency cash.  I've been getting by, but so far the park manager has still not come down to shut the main off.  I'm going to leave him a letter in an envelope this time!
I was very depressed on Thanksgiving.  I had been planning on going to Lindsay's again, but between the festivities of the Macy's Thanksgiving day parade and the constant barrage of well wishes and people having fun on FB, I fell into a very depressed mood.  I was contemplating killing myself and wrote a couple pages of instructions and notes to my loved ones.  I poured out all my zanax to see if I would have enough.  I was planning on taking all those, plus all my blood pressure meds and trazadone.  I'm pretty sure that would have done the job.  Fall asleep and my blood pressure would bottom out.  
I am truly just sick of my life.  I get no joy and pleasure from it any more.  I become more and more isolated.  I am tired.  Tired of the monotony and not being able to keep myself in a decent home.  Not having enough money to get by.  Having to pinch pennies.  I can't even take a drive in my car because I don't want to waste gas.  
I'm just tired of it all.  
No one needs to call anyone to "help" me.  I am not going to do it.  I'm going to see if there are any social service agencies in the county that can help me.  Being disabled, I may qualify for some home help.

Monday, September 11, 2017

Where did summer go?

I swear, the older I get the faster the spring and summer goes by.  Winter drags on as usual.  I wish I could live the snowbird lifestyle!  I finally broke down and bought a car.  I had to say goodbye to Blue and send her to the vehicle retirement home at Cornell's.  It broke my heart to see her get hauled off.  I bought a 2009 Buick Lucerne with only 22,000 miles on it.  It is a really nice car but I have payments to deal with now!
I have been getting less and less hours at work which is very discouraging.  I have also been having a hard time dealing with death and the sounds and smells that come with it.  I had to stay out of the room with the last two residents because of the breathing sounds.  I felt terrible and guilty.  I talked to one of my supervisors about it and she said that I shouldn't feel that way.  She has a problem with feces.  The mucus issue for me is why I never became a nurse.  I think I would have been a very good nurse except for that.
I did not go kayaking at all this summer.  No fishing either for that matter.  I did buy a kayak kit for the new car but I'm hesitant to use it.  I don't want to scratch up my new car!  I will have to load up and unload with a helper.  Luckily at boat launches there is no shortage of helpers.  Guys love to help women in distress!  I have been trying to get out and do things.  I took a couple day trips, went to Shelburne Falls and Old Deerfield with Chuck and Jenn.  Took Sarah to President Martin VanBuren's house in Kinderhook.  Took Sarah and Krys to Oakwood cemetery in Troy.  Yesterday, I went to the Tugboat roundup in Waterford with Aunt Janice.  I didn't realize it, but the Ndkinna Native American festival was going on right in Saratoga too.  I still enjoyed Waterford.  There were raptors there!  I loved seeing them.  

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Weird dream/past life?

I fell asleep this afternoon and have a very strange and realistic dream.  It was almost like I was living a past life.  I was a young man and I experienced my life from childhood to young adult.  My father was a horse trainer and had show horses.  I remember learning how to ride and show horses.  The time period was in the pre-world WW2 era.  We lived in Europe.  I rescued a draft horse that I named Tommy.  He was a Suffolk Punch breed horse.  He was lame in his rear left leg and I bid against a slaughter house owner for him.  I rehabilitated Tommy and he became a champion.  The war started and in this dream I saw planes flying over the barns and bombs dropping.  I was trying to rescue the horses and not get killed.  The Nazis were coming to take the remaining horses.  I got on Tommy and was riding away into the forest.  I fell off at some point and was mortally wounded.  I was on a steep embankment and Tommy was at the top.  I called to him and he came to me and I grabbed the reins and he pulled me to the top.  I lay there and took my last breath and died.  It was then that I woke up.  
It is strange because my mother was born in 1945 at the end of WW2 and she is of French heritage.  I guess I read too much into things, but it felt like I was living a past life.  The Suffolk Punch horse was bred in England and used during war time to pull heavy machinery.  They were also sold to slaughterhouses for meat.  It is considered a rare breed today.

Friday, July 21, 2017


I seem to be pretty regular with the monthly blogging.  I should do more.  It seems like I really don't do to much.  I had been sick twice since late June with this strange illness.  It was like having the flu except no coughing.  Very debilitating with me in bed for 4 days at a time.  I got very weak and couldn't eat.  I finally went to the Dr. and ended up seeing the PA.  They did blood work and a CT scan.  The blood work came back wonky but they didn't seem to concerned about it.  The CT scan showed a little fluid around my heart, diverticulitis, a small hernia and some tiny minor things that are no big deal.  Oh and a fatty pancreas.  Still no referrals to see anyone except a suggestion to see my oncologist.   I think I have an appointment coming up with him soon anyhow.  I have my appointment with the GI doctor in August to schedule my COLONOSCOPY!  Not looking forward to that but perhaps they can find out why my digestive tract is so messed up.  My weight has dropped to 174.  That is a 34 pound weight loss in one year.  I really haven't been trying except eating less and not eating junk food.  
I had an unusual butterfly visit this month.  It was a Giant Swallowtail.  My first sighting ever.  
Travis and Krys are going to look at a mobile home tomorrow.  I hope they get it.  I got very angry with Travis a few days ago.  Asked him to get something from the pharmacy for me and he gave me attitude.  I said I'm sick of them mooching off me and told him he has 30 days to move out.  
Sarah is going to be 18 in a little over a month.  I think her transition into adulthood is going to be a little rough too.  I think the diabetes is going to be a big factor, especially with this new horrible health care plan that Trump and the republicans are trying to shove through.  Well enough of the negativity.  My goal is to post more and to do more positive things!

Giant Swallowtail

Thursday, June 29, 2017

Late June

Seems like a lot has happened since I last blogged.  I went on my big trip to Louisiana.  Car did ok on the way down except for the tires.  She also doesn't do well on mountains.  In Alexandria I ended up with 4 new tires but Mom and Frank bought them for me.  I had a good visit, got all chewed up by chiggers.  Brenda and I went down to Avery Island to see the Tabasco plant and Jungle Gardens.  Saw a real wild alligator!  On the way home, my transmission broke, got it fixed and made it home.  I also stopped at Animal Adventure park and say April the giraffe, Oliver and the baby, Tajeri.  
Dating life is flat.  Same problems with rejection because of the breasts, or lack there of.  Men are so fucking shallow.  Actually I do get responses, from old obese men.  
Travis and Krys still living here with no signs of moving out.  Sarah is talking about moving to GA with Danny when she turns 18.  I worry about health insurance for her.  Not much else going on.  Made up with Dad.  That is a good thing!