Working on me

I can't say that life for me has been easy lately.  It has been very hard emotionally and somewhat hard physically.  I am still having a lot of anger over Rich and his behavior with his new girlfriend.  I have been going to counseling at the Va and it seems to be helping somewhat.  I am just having a hard time coming to terms with him moving on so quickly and not caring what I think or how I feel.  I have to remember than I am the one who asked him to leave.  I wish he didn't live right next door, I didn't think it would be like this.  He has no shame.  
I still have a lot of pain problems with by back, hips and legs.  I need to get out and exercise more and try to loose some weight.  I am up to 217.  I have never been this heavy before.  I weighed 30 lbs less when full term with a baby!
Spring is very slow to come this year and the cold is depressing.  I have to have the heat on still and it is so expensive.  I want to get out and do some fishing this week.  I have to stop and pick up some bait and some hooks.  I would like to try to catch some trout!  Being outdoors for me is the best therapy I can think of.   

The gun

I have a gun in my bedroom.  It is a single shot shotgun.  I think about it at night while I am trying to sleep.  I am starting to worry about it.  I worry about having an intruder break in and it sitting there in a corner collecting dust and I'm fumbling for the key to unlock it and load it.  I feel I want to lock my bedroom door at night too.  I don't know why I am scared.  I unlocked the gun and have it next to my bed now.  There is a shell on the bedside table.  I think if someone broke in they would get me before I got them anyhow.  I am being paranoid, I know.  Also I am not planning on shooting anyone or myself.  Just for clarification purposes.

Meaningless

Lately, my life just seems meaningless.  I hate getting up every morning knowing that everything is going to be the same.  Nothing ever changes.  I feel like I'm just waiting to die.  I am so angry and sad and feel so hopeless.  I sit here and look at my husband next door going on with his life, already with a new woman, like our marriage was nothing.  I was nothing.  Just a fucking roof and grocery bag to him.  Fuck him.  
I'm so stupid.  I spent over $60 for a 3 month subscription to match.com.  What a waste of money.  I should of known better.  Even the ugly guys aren't interested in me.  Of course who am I to judge who is ugly?  Who the hell would want me anyhow.  Fat, one titted, crazy old bitch.  
I sat today and watched my friends in St. Croix have fun for two hours.  TWO HOURS.  Wishing I was there.  Instead I sit here and play stupid facebook games.  Pretend farms, pretend amusement parks... waiting to die.  Waiting for the cancer to come back.  Eat, sleep, play games, scoop cat shit, pretend and pretend and pretend.  Who the hell really cares?  No one.  What have I done to make a difference?  Nothing.  I sit here and think about life and what happens when you die.  I want to believe in a God.  Why does He have to be invisible?  Why do we have to have faith?  Are we going to go to heaven or just rot in a hole and not know any better?  Or worse, what if hell is real?  Must suck to live in India and be a Hindu or something like that then.  
Live your life, live a good life and you die and oh shit.. you get to burn in hell for eternity because you guessed wrong.  God loves you!
   

The Green Gloves

I found a pair of green gloves today in the public library parking lot.  They looked as if they had been dropped by someone getting into their car.  My first thought was to take those green gloves for myself.  My inner voice said.. that would be stealing.  I went and picked up the gloves.  They were nice, had long cuffs and fit me.  They were a little thin but I liked the color.  I carried them in thinking to turn them in to the library for the lost and found.  I was warring with myself.. keep the gloves, turn them in.  I put them in my pocket and looked for some books.  On the way out the door I reached into my pocket feeling the gloves once again.  That pesky angel on one shoulder says "If you keep those gloves, you are stealing them!  Do you really need them?"  The bad "devil" side says "Oh do you really think someone is going to come back looking for those gloves"?   Finally I stopped, draped them on the rail and left them.  I reasoned to myself that even if the owner does not return, there may be someone else that really needs those gloves more than I do.  

 

Health insurance crisis

I am being forced off my family health plus program and onto full Medicare by Social Services.  They gave me two weeks and then it ends!  The lady I talked to on the phone said I had until the end of March!  This is ridiculous!  So I sent in the application to Medicare but I don't know what to do from here.  I applied for the Extra Help program.  I hope I qualify for that.  I'm really stressed over this and the prospect of co-pays I won't be able to afford.  Making a little over $1500 a month for me and my daughter isn't exactly rolling in the dough.  I realize it is probably more than someone making minimum wage would make.  I am hoping I can start the ticket to work program.  I am worried about my back and mental health however.  Now with the medical insurance being up in the air.. how will I be able to go back to work if I can't afford to go to the Dr?  
I'm hearing about other folks getting a lot of new money taken from their paychecks lately too.  I thought that when President Obama was elected he was supposed to be helping us, not hurting us!  The rich people won't feel any pain if they loose a few extra bucks, but the rest of us sure do!
Rich is pretty much fully moved over into his house.  He is still planning on taking the wood stove, a part of me wants to keep it just to keep it, but it is more trouble than its worth.  
I have worked out a budget for this month.  It does not include the premium for Medicare yet.  I am hoping I will qualify for the help with social services.  It is so nerve racking.  Seems they want you to only be able to afford rent, electricity and a little food.  Nothing else allowed for poor folk.  Gotta say life really sucks sometimes.  

Buzzy

It has nearly been two months since I lost my little buddy.  I miss him so much.  My pain has not healed.  I have been through so much these last couple of months.  It is funny how my marriage has crumbled but the only thing that can make me cry is thinking of Buzzy.  I found this poem I had printed off the internet.  I can't remember who's page I saw it on but it makes me cry.  I don't even know if it is complete or who wrote it but here it is.  I found the rest of this on 2/24/2013.  I still am crying for my little man.

The Greatest Gift
  I always knew this time would come,
From the very instant our eyes first met.
How I loved you then!  How I love you now!
I made a promise then, and I will keep that promise now...
You will not suffer from a pain that will not heal,
You will not know the loss of life remembered, now gone.

It is for me alone to make this decision,
The price for the bright joy and pure laughter
You brought me during the time we shared.
I am the only one who can decide when it is time.
When my hope dies and my fears ride high,
Just when I need you most, I must let you go.

It is for you alone to tell me when you are ready
For without your guidance, I will not know.
When to lay aside my grief, my guilt, my anger,
My sorrow and my selfish heart aside
And give you this last gift, this greatest gift.
Your eyes will speak to mine, and I will know.

The pain of this moment is excruciating.
Tears stream down my face in a river of sorrow.
And my heart drowns in a pool of grief.
For you have spoken and I have listened,
And unlike other decisions I have made
This one brings no relief.. no comfort..no peace.

For if there's one thing you've taught me,
If there's only one thing I've learned..
Unconditional love has a condition after all,
I must be willing to let you go, if you cannot go alone.
And I must accept my pain so you can be free of yours.

Go easily now, go quickly now,
Do not linger here, it is time for you to leave.
Go find your strength, go find your youth.
Go find the ones who've gone before you.
You are free to leave me now, free to let your spirit soar.
Rest easy now, your pain will soon be gone.

I pray I will find comfort in my memories...
In the dark and lonely days ahead.
I cannot say I will not miss you, I cannot say I will not cry.
For only my tears can heal my broken heart.
You will live, alive in my mind, forever in my heart.

So I give you this last gift, all I have left to give,
And this will be my greatest gift... sending you away.
It is the measure of my unconditional love..
For only the greatest love can say,
"Good-bye, go find the bridge, we'll meet again,
Loving you has been the greatest gift of all"

Author  Karla M. Bertram    


The rest of the poem is missing.  I must of tossed it on accident.  I am hoping to find a copy of it somewhere so I can finish putting it here.  I need to get some pictures of Buzzy and have them framed.  I plan on planting a garden over his and Esther's graves this spring.

The old school desk

A posting from a Facebook friend brought back a memory to me of my elementary school days.  I'm not sure what grade it was but next to the window was an antique school desk.  It looked something like this but to me seemed much bigger.  I think it was on a platform for some reason.

Every day a different student was chosen to sit at the desk.  They were the student of the day and I imagine it came with other privileges like being line leader etc.. I remember the excitement I felt about being chosen to sit at the desk and how special I felt all day long.  It is funny how easy it was to please young children back then!  A simple desk could make a child feel like king or queen for the day!