Sunday, May 18, 2014

I really feel like an old shit

I am feeling pretty depressed today and have come to the sad realization that I truly have no one in my life.  Sure I have family, but no friends.  The only time anyone wants anything to do with me is if they want something.  The only one who calls me just to talk is my Mom and she lives 1500 miles away.  Even my daughter doesn't want to live here, she spends most of her time at her Grandmothers.  I might as well just give her the child support card because she is the one taking care of Sarah.  I just bring her to her appts.  The only time anyone wants anything to do with me is if I'm doing something for them.  I'm completely serious.  I give my time and money to Peaceful Acres and all I get is a thank you.  No one invites me to spend time with them except for the occasional party.  I even had to beg an invitation to my own nephews wedding because my sister was coming up.  
I feel like an old spinster.  I can't even get a date because I'm fat and have no tits and reek of desperation.  I'm not trying to play the woe is me song, I'm just stating the truth.  No one cares.  It really showed when I had cancer.  The only people to did anything was the church pastor brought over some food pantry items and one person I barely know brought a meal.  Now I might have cancer again.  Maybe I'm depressed because I'm scared.  I don't want to die.  I don't want to die like this.  I expected more out of life.  I want more out of life.  
 I can just imagine what it is going to be like when or if I am diagnosed with cancer.  I'll get all the usual sympathetic messages and oh I'm so sorry and you will beat this because you beat breast cancer.  Who will really be there for me?  Who will be there to take care of me?  No one.  I know if I am diagnosed the first thing I'm going to do is file for divorce because I'll be damned if Rich gets everything I own.  That fucker doesn't deserve a dime.  Next I will throw out anything potentially embarrassing in my house.  Ha!
I should just sell anything of value and put the money away for Sarah.  I don't know who is going to take care of her.  Her Grandmother has a bad heart.  My sister doesn't want the burden.  Travis is too young and immature.  Her father is a drunk.  Why am I even thinking about dating anyone?  Just those old bad habits of being desperate for love and validation.  I need to learn to give that to myself.  Fuck, I don't know.  Life sucks and then you die.  I guess that pretty much sums things up.

Friday, April 18, 2014


Spring is trying to get here.  It started off slow, had a few warm days, now we are back to cold.  I am almost out of propane again, but I do still have some firewood.  Classes.. I'm writing finals and it is a nightmare!  Especially the Critical writing and thinking class.  Horrid!  I will settle for a C I just want it to be over!  My washing machine broke, won't spin out.  Now I have to try to figure out what is wrong with it.  In the meantime I have a load of soggy wet clothes that need to go to the laundry mat.  At least I have to be over there anyhow to stop in and see my tutor. 
I'm wondering if I took on too much with going back to school.  No housework gets done, well just the basics and only when it gets too disgusting.  I feel frozen and paralyzed most of the time.  I find excuses not to do things.  I feel like a lousy mother because I am not really involved.  It isn't that I don't want to be, I just feel I don't know.. hard to describe.  Too wrapped up in my own issues maybe, but that isn't right either because I take care of Sarah, get her to appts etc.. maybe it is just that she is pulling away from me. I'm worried that she is going to turn out like me, desperate and lonely.  At least she isn't hideous like I was at that age.  I'm fighting to keep the boys out of her pants, or up her skirt.  I think just 3 1/2 more years and she will be 18 and I will be graduating.  I hope to God I can get out of this shit hole I am living in.  I need to start bagging crap up and tossing it, it would be easier to keep the house clean if I wasn't surrounded by heaps of crap!  Mini hoarder I am.  I've got several empty boxes in my bedroom, why?  Because I might need them for something. 
Looks like the park owner is here and giving the park manager issues, park manager is a loser, full of lies and excuses.  I have to get my yard cleaned up soon.  Next week is clean up for the town, I have crap to go! 

Monday, March 3, 2014

Feb/March 2014

Today is March 3rd, but I will be writing about the happenings of February also.  I have been in a real funk the last week and need to shake out of it.  I think I have a bad case of SAD and cabin fever.  I should go to the Y and work out or swim.  Then go grocery shopping!  I have been having various incarnations of macaroni this week and some discounted chicken that I ended up throwing away.
School is going very well.  I had only a couple papers with lower grades.  I want to rewrite one this week and get it up a bit and the other I think I will just let it go.  I got 3 A's in the course after it!  I have a solid 98.7 in Intro to Human Services.  I am really enjoying it.  
Eric has finally been evicted!  I think he has still been hanging around, but if he is, he keeps a low profile.  Maybe I can sleep peacefully now without loud noises throwing me into a panic.  
I inherited another cat.  Her name is Lulu.  I need to try to find her a home.  She is really sweet and I like her.  She sure talks a lot too!
I also have a hamster here that I need to re-home because the cats won't leave it alone.  They both belonged to Jennie Mae who finally left Don's house.  I hope she stays away.  He overdosed another person a couple days ago.  That bastard is going to kill someone if something isn't done.
I cancelled the trip to DC and I'm glad because Winter storm Titan is currently pounding it.  The trip home would of been horrid and I'm sure the concert cancelled also.  We got tickets on Stub Hub for the show tomorrow night instead.
Sarah just called from school, saying her sugar was high and she felt dizzy.  The nurse wants her to stay and so do I.  She is probably getting excited for the concert tomorrow.  I know she probably won't go to school Wednesday but she has gone all week last week and that for her is good, even if she was late 3 days!
She has to see a kidney specialist this week because she has been having protein in her urine.  I hope it is nothing.
I hope spring gets here soon, this cold and snow is really getting to me!


Saturday, January 25, 2014

Winter 2014

As I write this, the snow is flying past my window.  It is light and fine, like dandruff!  I have officially started college!  I am nervous and excited at the same time!  I think the only thing that really scares me is the APA style of writing papers.  I am good at writing, but getting used to that format is a little frightening.
I have been spending a little more time at Peaceful Acres.  I am supposed to go today for Buddy up 101 and an oils class but with the snow, and the fact that I am out of propane and don't have any hot water, kind of makes me want to just stay home!  I am waiting on propane delivery.  There is such a high demand that they can't get to all the customers, so I am hoping they come in a couple days.  
I broke down and got a dog.  His name was Shadow, but I re-named him Oliver and call him Ollie.  He is a great little dog, but will go potty in the house if he feels like it.  He does ask to go out sometimes.  I am going to have to invest in industrial size pee pads for him!  I have them for little dogs, but it is hit or miss with him. 
Isn't he adorable?  He also has issues with food aggression.  Something I need to work with him on.  He won't replace Buzzy, but he helps fill the hole in my heart.  He is a real sweet dog, I think he was mistreated by his former owners.  He is anxious and cowers sometimes.  
I have still been watching the antics of the assholes around here.  With winter it is pretty quiet.  I had a restraining order against Eric given to me by the judge.  He is to stay away from me.  I really hope he gets evicted.  The sheriff was at his house the other day.
This guy is such a douche and a lot of people have been complaining about him.  He was driving his jeep up and down log piles and then up and down snow banks.  Driving all around the park revving the Jeep.  He must of been told to quit the shit because he hasn't done it lately.  He really scared me the other day because his kids were outside playing just feet away while he was driving his jeep up a huge snow pile.  If it slipped or tipped over, they would of been crushed.
I spend way too much time obsessing over that jerk and what he is doing.  
The birds are hitting the feeders hard this winter.  I haven't seen any redpolls or grosbeaks yet.  I hope they come and visit.  This is about the time of year for them.  
I guess I will hit the publish button because nothing really exciting is happening.  :)

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Fall 2013

My posting on here has been very frequent so I made the title to reflect the season.  
Summer was pretty uneventful.  I didn't get to go anywhere because of the car not getting fixed.  Then when it was fixed, Bozo never tightened a bolt and my axle nearly fell off.  It is fixed right now however my exhaust system needs repair.  It is an old car so things are going to start falling apart. 
Heating season is coming too and I am switching companies because I found I have been getting ripped off for years by Amerigas.  They have been charging me the full price when they could of lowered it.  I am going with Galway co-op for my propane.  They have great rates and free set up and delivery too.  Plus if I refer customers to them, I will get a $75 dollar reward!  
Kiki had her kittens and all but one are adopted.  The littlest one passed away.  She had a prolapse of her rectum.  Poor little tyke.  There is just the orange male left and I'm not sure if the lady that wanted him still wants him or not.
My garden wasn't too great this year.  I grew a few tomatoes, broccoli, cabbage, swiss chard and had an acorn squash plant grow on its own.  I had lettuce too in the spring.  I also planted potatoes but only harvested a couple handfuls.  I really am not looking forward to winter this year.  I need to get involved with something or hopefully get a decent job so that I can get more active.  I also want to be able to get out of this shitty trailer park.  The other tenants are a nightmare.  
I wonder why I bother blogging on here because it certainly is not very exciting or worth remembering.  Gives me something to do I guess.  

Thursday, July 18, 2013


For years I have been plagued by nightmares.   Vivid and realistic ones.  Some are just horrifying.  Last night I had one involving parents.  They were not my parents in real life and in the dream I was not myself.  There was a fire in the house we were at and somehow my parents were in the basement.  The only way to save them was thru a metal bin, kind of like a dumpster except lower and accessing the basement.  I opened it up and it was an inferno.  I could hear my Mother in there screaming.  The bin was stuffed full of burning material and I was trying to pull it out.  Some men came and helped and pulled her out.  She was horribly burned.  She fell onto the ground and they picked her up to carry her to the ambulance as as they did, her face literally slid off.  It was charred and hard.  I asked them if I should pick it up so they can take it with them and they said yes.  I remember picking it up and holding her burned face.  It was not like a face but more like a mask.  I woke up then. 

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

The Stop sign

I just had another bizarre dream.. I frequently have very vivid dreams.  In this one I was coming into an apartment complex that I guess I lived in.  I was backing out of a parking spot and when I turned to go forward there was a stop sign on a post in a bucket in front of me blocking half the road.  I was seized with the urge to run it over and I drove at it.  Then I started to swerve at the last second but it was too late and I hit it sending it flying.  I kept going hoping no one saw me.  I went up and around and was then at the top of a hill and my husband was there outside of the vehicle.  I remember thinking that I was worried someone had seen me hit the sign but no one had said anything.  It was snowing and I told him to film it with my camera saying "Isn't this crazy?  We have tomato plants out and it is snowing in July"!  I went back to where the sign was and people were there from where I used to work.  I got out and tried fixing the sign but it kept falling over.  I was saying things like "I wonder what happened" and "Who did this"?  I couldn't fix it.  
Then the dream changed and I was in a park or something and rolled down a steep embankment.  I was laying at the bottom laughing about the sign that I had run over when all of a sudden a vehicle of some sort came flying over the embankment and landed hard just past me.  I stood up and two people got out.  One guy was Asian and had on a blue sweater and a scarf and blood was pouring out of his nose and mouth.  There was a woman with him.  She was tall and thin and very Nordic looking  She looked like Annie Lenox.  She just looked at him with no emotion as he was bleeding to death.  Then she grabbed my hand and said "Come with me".  We left him there and she was taking me with her.  We were in a building with a lot of people and I was trying to act casual and looking at art pieces on the wall.  She grabbed me to her and kissed me really hard and I woke up.  I was still laughing about the sign when I woke up though!