Monday, November 4, 2019

Bad habit rearing it's ugly head

My bad habit of obsessing is trying to take me over again.  I was stupid and put an ad on Craigslist to find someone to do things with.  One person that intrigues me is named Bruce.  Unfortunately, I am now obsessing over him.  Constantly checking my email and fretting when he doesn't answer me.  I hate that side of me and I need to stop.
So far, this fall has been boring.  I have mostly stayed home and haven't been out hiking or doing anything really since I went to the coast with Travis.  The cold weather is coming.
I need to get under the house and see if I can find that spot where the hole is in the ducts.  Also see if I can reach the water pipes going to the bathroom so I can put heat tape on them.  
It's going to be a nice day and I don't want to waste it.

Monday, October 14, 2019

I had a dream this morning that was so intense.  I was married to a man and he was abducted by an evil race of beings that lived underground and they were using him for experiments or something.  I went and rescued him and when I got him home this love I felt for him was so intense.  I can't even describe it but when I woke up I felt as if I lost someone.  It really hurt and upsets me.  I have never felt love like that for a man.  I know I will get over

A trip to Maine and Massachussets.

A couple weeks ago, my son and I went on a trip to the east coast.  We stayed in Wells, ME and visited Ogunquit and then went down the coast to Gloucester for a few hours.  
Ogunquit was beautiful.  We walked the Marginal Way up and back.  Took a trip on a boat to see how lobsters are caught and watched the surf pound the rocks.
We must have walked about 7 miles that day.  I was exhausted and could barely move!  We walked a little more in Gloucester.  That is a nice little town, I really enjoyed it.  We took a ride around the harbor and saw the Wicked Tuna boats and some of the places from The Perfect Storm.  
Since I've been back however, I've been struggling with depression. Not wanting to leave the house, feeling guilty about it.  Forcing myself to go do things.  I feel like I'm just wasting my life away, staring out the window, wishing I could just GO.  I had six days off and did nothing.  Thought I met someone nice online and he turned out to be a jerk just like the rest of them. 
I feel critically damaged.  There is something about me that drives people away.  Or I drive them away.  I feel like my life is a charade. People always say how brave I am and think I'm cool for going out and doing all these things.  I'm not brave or cool, I'm a con artist. A clown hiding behind a mask.  I'm damaged goods.  All the pep talks in the world can't change my mind.  I'm like that lady in the depression medication commercial who hides behind the smiley face.  I will call next tomorrow and make an appointment to see my counselor.  I see Dr. G next week.  It's so beautiful outside, the trees are so pretty.  I'm sitting inside.  
I impulsively went to the animal shelter and got a guinea pig.  She is cute, her name in Cinnamon.  I am going outside now to pick her some clover and grass.   


Friday, July 26, 2019

Deep thoughts

Today I was looking at the FB page of a boy I went to school with.  I had a big crush on him in Jr. high.  It looks like he did very well in life.  College degree, great job, beautiful wife.  Right now he is on a luxury vacation tour in Tanzania, Africa.  
It makes me wonder how some people from the same peer group are so successful in life and others just flounder?  I realize that family wealth and success have a lot to do with it.  So does hard work and good choices in life.  Some is just plain luck.  
I think about how I grew up and the choices I made as an adult that led me to where I am today.  It is all a matter of perspective I suppose.  To millions of people on earth, I am considered a "wealthy" woman.  To other millions, I am considered poor and a "leech" on society. 
After the debacle with Rich and my unsuccessful bid to break free, I am back to where I started.  I want comfort and security, but I also want to break from this tedious life that I live.  Maybe I should just sell the house for a couple thousand and be done with it!  No more rent, electric and cable bills, no more propane bills, just me, my car and a tent.  

Monday, July 1, 2019

Give me a brake!

I got the brakes done, cost $400!  Ouch!

Sunday, June 30, 2019

Fuck, fuck, fuck

That has been the refrain in my head for the last few days.  I'm depressed.  Being trapped at home with no money and a car that needs repairs is not fun.  I'm taking the car to the garage tomorrow.  Using a credit card to pay for it.  Once I get my Social security and my first paycheck from work, things will be looking better.  I still have to work out my budget for the month, but I should have a little extra to get out and do things!  I can get a fishing pole and a license and take my kayak out.  Go do some camping and exploring.  
My niece is still be a judgmental bitch, so let her.  I'm not apologizing, I don't owe her anything.  I have a right to make decisions in my life, if I'm not dancing to her tune and she is pissed, oh well.
I am going to get off my ass and go to the grocery store.  I don't want to, but I need something for dinner.  I don't think I can handle more of my homemade hamburger helper.  I'm not a fan of ground beef to begin with, unless it is meatloaf or meatballs.  One of the things about my depression is that I would rather go without than have to go to the store.  I have food, but I guess I'm just tired of having to eat, if that makes any sense. 

Sunday, June 23, 2019

Issues

I have a tendency to say yes to things without really thinking it through and because I want to be nice.  
So anyhow, there is a family friend who I dated briefly a very long time ago.  He has mental issues and is considered disabled.  Recently he was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer.  I wanted to show him support so I have visited him and talked to him online.  He likes to say love you, so I said it back, as a friend. 
So the other day, he found out that I might be camping with my niece and he asked if he could sleep with me.  I thought he meant in the camper, but he literally wanted to sleep in the same bed with me, just to cuddle.  I was thinking at first that it might be nice for him because he is very sick and might like a little affection.  I said yes, but then the more I thought about it, knowing his history and ways, I told him I changed my mind because I felt uncomfortable about it.  He didn't take that well, saying, "but it's me".  I told him that I have learned that I need to say no and stand up for myself if things don't feel right, so it's no.  
He copped an attitude.  So then yesterday, every time I posted something online, he would leave some snarky comment about how I made him feel uncomfortable and how I said "I loved him" etc... 
I responded in a brief way and kept it simple.  He kept it up and was commenting on everything I posted.  My online friends were starting to notice, so I deleted his comments.  They kept continuing so I just blocked him.  
I feel a little guilty, I guess in a way because maybe I should be feeling sorry for him because he has cancer and is going through treatment, but then I thought, that is no excuse for bad behavior.  When I had cancer and was going through treatment I didn't act like that.  So, if he wants to label me as a bitch, so be it.  I don't owe him anything.