Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Bored.. rainy day

Today and yesterday have been long and boring days for me.  Yesterday I was just feeling melancholy.  I don't know why, it was a beautiful day but I was just tired and blah.  The day before that I was in a almost Zen like state.  Everything just flowed.  I took Sarah to the mall and we watched a movie and then shopped.  Things were just so strange for me.  I was in a completely peaceful state of mind.  Even when I ran over the grill part in the road before I had time to avoid it!  I napped yesterday and today.  Have been having bad dreams.  Yesterday I dreamed that I had a baby and I was in this room and went into another room that was closed off because it was "haunted".  I went in and looked around and it was full of antique type things.  Then the dream changed and I went to check on the baby and I found this wire spring diaper cover on it that I had found in the haunted room.  I took it off and saw that the wire had cut the baby just above the hip all the way to the bone.  I was very upset and was carrying the baby and trying to find the hospital.  I was in a city I didn't recognize and kept getting lost.  The baby was not bleeding but with the gaping wound I knew it would die.  I woke up thank God.  I normally have dreams were I am very anxious or scared.  I hate it.  I know it is probably from anxiety in my own life.
I've been thinking lately about going back to work.  Not at my old job.  I couldn't do that kind of work anymore.  I'm too slow.  I would be able to do private duty or something like that.  I would not like childcare unless it was for an infant.  I don't have the strength to deal with a toddler or older child.  I think Social Security offers some kind of job retraining so I may look into that soon.  I think clerical or social work would be nice. 
I like helping people.  I really don't know what classes I would have to take.  I was going to take classes to be a drug and alcohol counselor but I may not like that because I have a very narrow point of view with alcoholics.  Not so much that I dislike them, I just don't like being around someone actively drinking.  After living with a drunk for 12 years... yeah.
I don't think I would be able to work on a job that required standing for 8 hours or doing a lot of lifting.  I can technically stay on SSD for 2 more years before I am going to be re-evaluated.  The money situation here is not good however with my husband not working.  He is going to school full time online but claims he can't find a job.  He refuses to get a job that involves "manual labor" or that doesn't pay what he thinks he should earn.  So meanwhile we scrape to get by every month.  It looks like we are doing ok because we go on trips etc.. but believe me those trips are a product of  budgeting and penny pinching and finding deals!  Most of the time we are barely getting by.  We have to go to the food pantry sometimes.  I get so angry about having to live like this.  I realize that I am rich compared to some people in the world who don't even have a hut to live in.  Children starve to death everyday.  I have a tendency to look on the dark side of life.  My cup is half empty.  I worry constantly.  What would happen if the car broke down, such as the transmission going.  I don't have money to fix something like that. 
I try to budget but my husband squanders money.  I treat my daughter now and then to things but he buys all kinds of crap we don't need.  I don't know.. life just sucks sometimes.

As usual I will close with a picture.

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