End of the year 2012

This year has come to a close.  I think back on everything I did this year.  Even though it seems like I didn't do anything, I actually did quite a bit.  I went to St. Croix.

I went to Buffalo!

We grew a nice garden.  This has been a hard year financially.  It has led me to make the decision to get a divorce.  My husband is in the process of moving out.  I just can't take it anymore.  He is moving next door.  I don't know how that is going to work out.  He is still technically living here but has stopped helping me except to eat my food, use my bathroom and sleep on my couch.  I should tell him to wash the dishes at least!  Lazy SOB!  Four years together and he only worked 6 months of that.  Poverty is not my idea of fun.
I want to go to St. Croix again this year, but I don't think I will be able to afford it.  Kate broke up with Greg, finally!  I can't stand him.  Sarah's father is a worthless POS.  Didn't even call her for Christmas.  Last I heard from him he was drinking his sorrows away while me and Sarah and her grandmother were in the hospital because she had her appendix out.  Sarah that is.  
Sarah's grandfather died a couple months ago.  He was pretty sick for a long time.  
We had a couple storms come thru so we have about a foot of snow out there.  It is going to stay cold so it won't melt.  I know my house looses a lot of heat because the side is all covered with ice.  
I'm looking forward to the New Year.  I am going to try really hard not to get into another relationship.  I don't need the drama and I don't think I'm cut out for relationships anyhow.  I'll be happy and single! 

Fall is coming

Once again, fall is upon us.  The leaves are slowly turning.  The nights are cold, the crops are nearly done.  Rich and I are going to try hunting this year.  We have our license and tags.  I'm hoping for at least one deer and a couple turkeys to make it worthwhile.  There has been so much crap going on in the trailer park where I live.  Fights, drugs, arson, police, firetrucks.  Damn landlord is right in the middle stirring things up and having a drug addict living with him off and on.
We had a friend here who was arrested last night for drugs and assault.  He had us fooled the whole time he was here, acting like he was a victim.  Kept having these 20 something year old women coming in and out while he supported them and their habits.  Can't trust anyone or be friends with anyone because you never know when you are going to get dragged down in their drama too.  We really need to find another place to live.  Paying $400 a month while other people in this park are thousands of dollars behind in their rent and the landlord doesn't do a damn thing about it.  
Sarah's Grandfather died a few days ago. The funeral is tomorrow. He had been sick for a long time with emphysema.  He smoked and drank a lot.  I feel sorry for Sarah's grandmother.  She spent her entire adult life taking caring of kids and then an sick husband.  She probably has hardly ever done anything for herself except go to Curves.  I'm hoping we can get her out doing some stuff with us now.  
We got another dog.  Probably shouldn't have because we always complain we don't have money to take them to the vet.  This dog is healthy except he has a lot of tartar on his teeth.  I am trying to take care of it at home but I think he really needs a doggy dental cleaning.  
Really not too much more going on.  Staying cancer free for now and starting to think about going back to work.  I tire so easily still however so it would have to be something fairly easy.  Part time too.  Kind of ticks me off that I am the one probably having to go back to work because my husband won't get a job.  Too busy hanging out with the neighbors I guess.  My back is not better at all.  I can't do much without it hurting.  
I sure am whining a lot as usual.  I guess it is ok because I don't blog and whine every day!  :)

 

Fall is coming!

Fall in upstate NY is not going to be as good as most falls we have due to bad weather.  The late frost we got killed off a lot of blossoms in the apple orchards.  Lack of rain will make the colors change on the trees not as bright.  I'm not sure how the pumpkins did.  Stupid squirrels have been climbing up my sunflower stalks and gnawing at the seed heads and the seeds aren't even ripe yet!  Our tomatoes are done but my neighbor has tons of them.  We need to get over there and pick them for him.  He is the one that got sent to jail over a false accusation.  I need to get some canning jars and can up those tomatoes.  We have cabbage still waiting to be picked.  Maybe I'll make some pickled cabbage if there is such thing!  I don't want to try to deal with making sauerkraut.
I've been so darn tired and lazy feeling lately.  I've gained about 10 lbs and my joints and muscles ache.  I hate it.  Oncologist visit went well yesterday.  I see the radiologist next month.  One year since my cancer treatment.  I hope I make it to the 5 year mark! 

Summer

My summer hasn't been to exciting.  Went to Hampton Beach at the beginning of the month.. that was a nice trip although HB really isn't my style.  Too crowded and touristy.  We went up to Nubble Lighthouse in Maine the last day of our trip and then drove home.  The ride back was miserable getting stuck in traffic jams most of the way. 
My son turned 21 on Friday August 24th.  He had a party at his Dad's and Kate's.  I'm afraid of my son turning into an alcoholic because it seems the only way he can "bond" with his Dad is with alcohol.  His Dad is a very bad alcoholic.  Will probably kill him soon.
My daughter is 13 today.  She is really her own person.  Very independent but so immature too.  Her hair is pink and I let her get her nose pierced yesterday!
I worry about my Mom.  Sometimes she comes out with such mean statements.  She told me the other day that my friends (hence me) make her sick because we support President Obama.  She hates politics and just blindly votes for whomever is running the Republican ticket.
I want to be more informed.  Seems I've always voted Democrat even though I'm registered Republican.  I put in to be switched but I have to wait until after the Presidential election.
Funny, I can't remember who I voted for when Bush Jr was elected, maybe I didn't vote.  I think he ran against Dole didn't he?  I know I didn't vote for him. 
Finances are still getting me down.  Somehow we managed to blow through my whole SS check without paying any bills except half the lot rent.  Rich is supposed to get his student aide money next week.  That kind of stuff really bothers me.  I hate being broke. 
Rich is getting a job soon wiring an entire house being remodeled.  The house is an old Victorian from the 1890's.  He got some nice wood from it that he has been using in the house here for window trim etc.. I love old houses and can't wait to go over and see this one.  If Rich gets known as being a good electrician maybe he can work doing that, he seems to like it.  I'm sure he can get referrals from the guy he is working for now.
You don't have to be certified to be an electrician in NY, you just need it for inspecting.
I am not sure yet what I am going to do.  I might go back to work part time but I am not sure how that will affect my SS.  I think as long as I only work a couple days a week it won't count against it.  I think I can handle doing some light senior care.  The agencies around here don't pay much, so maybe I can find a private duty.  I should start advertising at places seniors go.  I can do shopping, laundry etc.. maybe advertise as a personal assistant.
Fall will be here soon.  I like fall but after the leaves fall off the trees I get sad because I know winter is coming.  I hate being cold.  Of course with all these hot flashed I have, I'll be nice and toasty..  Ha!

A trip to Hampton Beach

I went with my extended family on a trip to Hampton Beach this week.  I had been there before but it was off season and everything was closed up except for a couple restaurants.  This time it was packed!  Wall to wall people on the beach.  The water was surprisingly not that cold.  I was able to go in and enjoy the waves.  The kids really had a great time.

 It was nice to relax and enjoy some time at the beach.  It had been a long time since I had done that.. well not really, I did go to St. Croix!  

Hampton is a very busy little town catering to tourism.  It has all the usual shops and eateries.  There were a lot of fast food kiosks everywhere.  Dozens of motels, hotels etc..  People were riding by on these crazy bike things.  There was a main operator but everyone had to pedal!

On Wed night there were fireworks and bands playing.  People really seemed to be enjoying the band.  There were a lot of older people in the crowd.

On Friday we drove up to York, Maine to see the Nubble lighthouse.  I love Maine.  Unfortunately it was foggy and we didn't see much of the lighthouse.  We did enjoy the rocks, ocean and people watching.  One man caught a huge blue fish.

I even found a geocache hidden and I wasn't even looking for one!  That was a bonus.  All in all it was a nice trip except for the ride home where we were stuck in miles of backed up traffic on the Mass turnpike.  I was glad to get home.  I got a sunburn and a bruised foot.  The foot was because a wall unit fell off the wall onto my foot!

Next trip I think will be to Connecticutt to a beach there where we can also camp.

Banana Zucchini bread

• 3 cups all-purpose flour
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 1 teaspoon baking powder
• 3 teaspoons ground cinnamon
• 3 eggs
• 1 cup vegetable oil
• 2 1/4 cups white sugar
• 3 teaspoons vanilla extract
• 1 cups grated zucchini
• 1 cup chopped walnuts (optional)
• 3 large very ripe bananas
•  

  Directions

  1. Grease and flour two 8 x 4 inch pans. Preheat oven to 325 degrees F (165 degrees C).
  2. Sift flour, salt, baking powder, soda, and cinnamon together in a bowl.
  3. Beat eggs, oil, vanilla, and sugar together in a large bowl. Add sifted ingredients to the creamed mixture, and beat well. Stir in zucchini, bananas and nuts until well combined. Pour batter into prepared pans.
  4. Bake for 40 to 60 minutes, or until tester inserted in the center comes out clean. Cool in pan on rack for 20 minutes. Remove bread from pan, and completely cool.
•  

Going to Buffalo/Niagara Falls

I found out this past week that a friend of mine that I went to school with has a stroke and 3 aneurisms in her brain.  She was hospitalized and stabilized.  By a miracle of God, she is alive and the aneurisms have seemed to disappear.  Rich and I are driving out next week while Sarah is in camp to go visit.  She may be in a rehab facility by then.  Rich and I are going to be trying something different this time.  It is called Couchsurfing.  Basically it is a website that hooks travelers up with people willing to give them a place to stay while they are away.  We got lucky and are going to be staying at someones house near Buffalo.  They seem great and are even trusting us with a set of keys!  They said act like its a hotel and they are making us dinner too!  Crazy.. Rich was teasing me and saying maybe they are swingers and they are going to hit on us.  I said no.. they have references online and don't seem like that.  This will save us some money too.  Hard to believe complete strangers offer to do this!  I wouldn't mind hosting either, but our house is not that great and I've said so on the website.  If we do host, Sarah won't be here just to be on the safe side.  I don't want some creepo trying something with her.  
Anyhow.. I am hoping this experience will be good.  I have a feeling it will be.
I went riding today.  I tried riding in an English saddle but every time I tried trotting Honey dropped her head and I almost went over her neck!  I think I will stick with the western saddle!  Next week they are going to show me the riding trails in the woods.  That will be a nice change of pace.

Angry again

I find it so hard to stay patient with my situation.  I am on disability and allowed to stay on it for two more years if I choose.  My husband is not working.  He gets money sporadically from school (some of that in loans) and makes a little here and there doing work on computers etc.. This month we had to go to the food pantries 3 times.  I don't think it was because I spent and extra $65 on leasing a horse for a month.  I guess I won't be doing that again because its an extra expense.  I have to spend money on other things that are more important.  I get so angry at my husband.  He does a lot around the house and keeps things in running order but is that all I can expect from him?  He keeps saying when he gets his degree he is going to get a job making lots of money.  How long should I hold my breath waiting for that to happen.  He has had only 6 months of employment since I've been with him.  I've been with him for over 4 years now.  Am I the one that is going to have to go back to work?  It doesn't seem right or fair.  He can make up to $700 a month and we will still be able to keep our insurance.  That would make a big difference in our life style.  
I realize we are better off than a lot of people living on this planet.  I own my house, even though its a mobile home.  I have a car.  One that is probably going to crap out pretty soon but it runs.  I have a little income.  I am just sick of it all .. really just sick of it.  
I'm tired and worn down and fat.  I have no energy for anything and no money to go anywhere if I did.
I just found out a friend of mine is in the hospital in Buffalo with a aneurism on her brain.  I want to go see her but not sure if I should spend the money on gas.  We would have to camp because we can't afford a hotel room.  
We have been just scraping by the last couple weeks.  I'm sick of it.. I really am.  I wanted to have a temporary separation but my husband didn't want to.  He sweet talked me into letting him stay.  Saying he didn't have any place to go and no way to take care of himself and his son.  WTF... that is really sad.  

Child support

I got my big ole $60 in child support for Sarah.  I get that every two weeks.  Rich went to the store, I think we have enough for the weekend anyhow.  I will get $40 on Tuesday and then my SS check on Wed.  So sick of this.. he went to bring scrap metal to the junk yard to try to get a little $$.  How about a JOB?

WTH

My husband is coming in and telling me he found two gift cards in his wallet.. one worth $20 and the other for Starbucks for $10 or something like that and how he is going to sell them on E-bay for $20.  Whoop de doo.  Never mind we have had to go to the friggin food pantry twice this month.  How about getting a job there wonder boy?

Happier

My hubby and I had a good talk.  I realize that I have not been the most pleasant person to be around the last year but I have to give him credit.  He works hard around the house and yard keeping things nice for me.  He helps me out so much I really have come to realize how much things would be harder if he wasn't here.  He is a quiet and even tempered man too.  Does not yell at me, does not get angry.  I need to learn to be more thankful for what he does do instead of criticize what he doesn't.  I realize the job situation is pretty bleak but he has been doing some odd jobs that bring in some money here and there.  We have enough to get buy with an occasional treat.  I need to be more tolerant.  I would have to say compared to the last man in my life, he is a saint!  No drinking, abuse or urinating on the floor!  
Anyhow....  today I went with my daughter to Six flags Great Escape for her 7th grade field trip.  I only went on two rides.  I became exhausted following these kids around.  The good part about it was I got in free and so did my daughter.  Free lunch was included.  It wasn't the best food in the world but it was ok.  Free is good.  Sarah got a little nasty with me because I told her I wanted to leave around 3:15 and one of her teachers had planned to meet us at a certain area to check her out.  Sarah took off on me and went to a ride.  I had to go find her and she was already in line and then after the ride was over went back in line instead of coming out.  By the time we found the teacher it was 4:00.  The teacher was not happy.  I told her that Sarah took off on me.  So tomorrow they are going to have a talk with her in school!  She complained and carried on how it was HER field trip and I shouldn't force her to leave early.  She could of stayed if she didn't have diabetes, but there was no nurse there.  I tried explaining to her that the world does not revolve around her etc.. I was so tired I could barely make it back to the car.  I was so tired I thought I could cry.  We stopped at McDonalds on the way home and she ended up falling asleep in the car too!  She has been in bed since we got home.  I hope she doesn't wake up at 3 AM and decide to wake me up too!  Here is a picture of Sarah and her friend Angela at the waterpark park of the Great Escape, I did a little photo shopping on her bathing suit as it was hanging a little lower than I liked!  :)

 

Not happy

My suggestion did not go over to well with my husband.  He thinks we can work things out.  I tried explaining to him about the anxiety and anger etc.. and he thinks it is something that we can work on.  I can't work on it, I have tried and tried for over 3 years now.  I am even angry at him in my dreams.  I had a dream where I was having a nervous breakdown and I woke up with symptoms of having another nervous breakdown.  I feel like I'm heading down that path again.  He told me that he doesn't have anywhere to go.  I told him if he had a job and could support himself and his son that wouldn't be a problem.  Why should I have to take care of him?  
The whole medical insurance thing has hindered us too.  If he gets a job with no benefits we will loose our health insurance because we will make too much money.  If he gets a job with benefits sometimes family health insurance is an outrageous amount.  Either way we are screwed.  I'm so mad that he is trying to justify his staying here.  I feel like I will cave and let him.  Maybe I'll tell him to go pack the tent and stay at a campground for a week.. Or go to the family summer house for a couple weeks.  I suggested that.  He doesn't seem to keen on that idea.  I told him it is not my problem.  I told him this is my house and I will not leave it.  I already had to leave one house behind because of that asshat I used to live with.  People who know me will know all about that situation.  12 years of hell being trapped with someone.  I am feeling trapped again.  Why am I so fucking stupid when it comes to men?  I must have sucker written all over me.

A hard thing to do

I just asked my husband for a short separation.  I feel like I'm going to have another nervous breakdown.  I need a break from him for a while. 

Riding

This month I took a plunge and leased a horse.  It is an inexpensive lease and I can only ride once a week, but for now it is ok.  She is a nice horse and very calm.  Her name is Honey and she is part Belgian.  She is a bit lazy however and likes to get away with it.  I have been having problems mounting lately too and have now fallen twice off the mounting block to my great embarrassment.  The first time I didn't get enough leverage and came back down and my foot missed the block and I fell.  The second time I rode I got on just fine, the third time my stirrup was too long and I once again didn't get high enough and fell off the block again.  I think my confidence is a little shaken now.  I need to practice mounting.  My husband rode with me last time and is a little nervous because of that wretched horse Stanley we leased before.  The lady who owns Honey told me to carry a riding crop with me.  Not to actually use it but just to give Honey a little incentive not to be lazy.  I feel kind of bad because after leasing Stanley that horse actually dreaded us showing up because we were riding him and making him work.  I worry that Honey will start to dislike me too.  I am not cruel to her in anyway.  I want her to like me but I don't want her to walk all over me either. 

Memorial Day Weekend

So Memorial Day weekend is upon us.  I don't have much planned except hosting a geocaching event on Saturday afternoon at the Humpty Dumpty's ice cream place in Saratoga.  I have been going there since a kid for ice cream.  It was always such a treat to go there.  My sister, Brenda is currently in Illinois attending Geowoodstock X. They drove up thru Arkansas and Missouri.  They went to St. Louis too.  I think they have gone to a few Geowoodstocks.  Last years was in PA but I didn't go.  I may go to the Berkshire Geobash in Massachusetts next month.  

I leased another horse this week.  I am hoping this won't turn out to be a disaster like leasing Stanley the 33 year old quarter horse was.  Honey is a 16 year old Belgian who is used for lessons.  My first time alone with her went well up until I tried to mount and she decided she didn't want to be mounted and kept moving away from the block.  Next time I go, that will be something we will have to work on.  She is trained not to do that, so I think she is testing me!  She was being a bit ornery while riding too.  I think next time I will try an English saddle.  I have been getting bruised up on my right leg from the Western saddle for some reason, and besides I want to be able to practice posting the trot.  I like the Western saddle but find it hard to sit a trot.  She will only trot a little and then stops I think because I bounce so much!  

I am hoping we can go do some sightseeing in the next few weeks.  I have been staying home too much and am getting a little depressed I think.  We haven't been really doing much because the car keeps having problems with overheating.  We have to run the heater to keep the motor cooled.  Not much fun when it is hot out.  There are a lot of things I want to do this summer.. so we will have to see.  I want to get some camping things together and go camping.  We need another tent for the kids, a camp stove and a pump for the air mattress.  I refuse to sleep on the hard ground!  A few sleeping bags would be nice too but we can pack blankets.  It will be cheaper than staying in a motel.  There are some areas I want to explore south down in the Hudson valley and there are a lot of state parks down there too.  Not too far from NYC either.  We can camp and go down to the zoo.

Rich has been doing some work for the neighbor who moved in.  Things have been getting wilder in the park.  A lot of arguments, drinking, fights etc.. This place is a zoo in itself!  Bunch of white trash around here.  I had a blog about it but decided it was not nice to gossip.   I don't understand why people have to act like they do.  I hate living in a place like this.  I'm right in the middle of all the feuding. 

Anyhow.. the garden is coming along nicely.  I still want to plant some peas and beans and try some potatoes again.  I might try growing them in a bucket.  I saw some seed potatoes at the store but last time I just bought a cheap bag of potatoes and waited for them to sprout and used those.  Maybe the seed potatoes will work better.  I also want to build a compost bin.  I looked online and saw I can make one out of a regular plastic trash can.  You just roll them around to turn the compost and in a couple weeks it should be ready!  With the compost pile all the good stuff just washes down into the ground underneath.  I want some nice compost tea to water my plants with.  I hope everyone has a fun and safe weekend, remember the real reason for Memorial Day and thank a Veteran!

Life as a Fat Woman

The arms.. the belly.. the legs.. ugh

I will admit it and I do, I am fat.  Not just fat.. according to the current height and weight charts I am obese.  To me obese is the 350 lb woman in the riding cart at Wal-mart.  I am not so large I turn heads.  I am not bragging of course.. far from it.  I am FAT.  In my mind however I am not fat.  I look at my arms and see normal arms.  I can see my toes if I lean over slightly.  I can bend over and squat and rise.   I struggle however to tie my shoes, put on socks and if I have to kneel on the floor or ground it is hard to get back up.  I do have joint issues and some mobility issues.  Probably from the excess weight.  I have tried dieting and exercise.  It never lasts long because I obsess about food.  It makes me hungrier.  I think for me I will just have to eat healthier and get more exercise.  
I see photos of myself and I am shocked about how fat I really look.  I hate it.  I look old and fat.  I get disgusted with myself.  I see overweight women who can look really good with hair, make up and the right clothes.  Me.. I just am not one of them!  I am going to post a picture that I hate on here.  I usually screen my pictures carefully but this time I'm posting a bad one.

I hate my neck

I hate the double chin

My husbands cooking blog

My husband is a pretty decent cook and makes nearly all the meals in this family.  Here is his blog where he will share recipes and some family history!

Sicilian from the park

Dad's Tomato Garden Journal

I was very sad to hear of the passing of Ray White from Dad's Tomato Garden Journal today.  He was such a wonderful man who always have such words of wisdom.  Not only about tomatoes but about life in general.  Please stop by his blog and see for yourself what it was all about.  He was not only the World's oldest blogger but an author too as of this year!


Dad's Tomato Garden Journal

Bored.. rainy day

Today and yesterday have been long and boring days for me.  Yesterday I was just feeling melancholy.  I don't know why, it was a beautiful day but I was just tired and blah.  The day before that I was in a almost Zen like state.  Everything just flowed.  I took Sarah to the mall and we watched a movie and then shopped.  Things were just so strange for me.  I was in a completely peaceful state of mind.  Even when I ran over the grill part in the road before I had time to avoid it!  I napped yesterday and today.  Have been having bad dreams.  Yesterday I dreamed that I had a baby and I was in this room and went into another room that was closed off because it was "haunted".  I went in and looked around and it was full of antique type things.  Then the dream changed and I went to check on the baby and I found this wire spring diaper cover on it that I had found in the haunted room.  I took it off and saw that the wire had cut the baby just above the hip all the way to the bone.  I was very upset and was carrying the baby and trying to find the hospital.  I was in a city I didn't recognize and kept getting lost.  The baby was not bleeding but with the gaping wound I knew it would die.  I woke up thank God.  I normally have dreams were I am very anxious or scared.  I hate it.  I know it is probably from anxiety in my own life.
I've been thinking lately about going back to work.  Not at my old job.  I couldn't do that kind of work anymore.  I'm too slow.  I would be able to do private duty or something like that.  I would not like childcare unless it was for an infant.  I don't have the strength to deal with a toddler or older child.  I think Social Security offers some kind of job retraining so I may look into that soon.  I think clerical or social work would be nice. 
I like helping people.  I really don't know what classes I would have to take.  I was going to take classes to be a drug and alcohol counselor but I may not like that because I have a very narrow point of view with alcoholics.  Not so much that I dislike them, I just don't like being around someone actively drinking.  After living with a drunk for 12 years... yeah.
I don't think I would be able to work on a job that required standing for 8 hours or doing a lot of lifting.  I can technically stay on SSD for 2 more years before I am going to be re-evaluated.  The money situation here is not good however with my husband not working.  He is going to school full time online but claims he can't find a job.  He refuses to get a job that involves "manual labor" or that doesn't pay what he thinks he should earn.  So meanwhile we scrape to get by every month.  It looks like we are doing ok because we go on trips etc.. but believe me those trips are a product of  budgeting and penny pinching and finding deals!  Most of the time we are barely getting by.  We have to go to the food pantry sometimes.  I get so angry about having to live like this.  I realize that I am rich compared to some people in the world who don't even have a hut to live in.  Children starve to death everyday.  I have a tendency to look on the dark side of life.  My cup is half empty.  I worry constantly.  What would happen if the car broke down, such as the transmission going.  I don't have money to fix something like that. 
I try to budget but my husband squanders money.  I treat my daughter now and then to things but he buys all kinds of crap we don't need.  I don't know.. life just sucks sometimes.

As usual I will close with a picture.

Grateful

 

It is funny how I complain so much about not having money but God always provided.  We were down to our last dollar literally and been eating nothing but pasta, chicken from the food pantry and cereal.  Yesterday our neighbor Rick has Rich help him with some work and Rich has been dog sitting for him, so he gave him $30.  He was able to go out and get some food to last us until Tuesday.  
It doesn't mean that I like being broke.. not at all.  I would love to be able to feel secure with food and paying the bills etc..  I want to be able to treat my kids to something once in a while.  I told my husband about a couple night janitorial positions I saw in the online ads and he turned it down.  Oh they don't pay much.. I told him it was better than nothing!  
He doesn't want to do manual labor or take an entry level position.  I put a couple ads on Craigslist to do elder care or infant care and horse/pet care.  I got one response from a guy who wants someone to do housekeeping.  Now I hate cleaning, but if it is not some creepo and the job is fairly easy I might do it.  With my luck he will want a naked housekeeper!  LOL.. not my cup of tea!
We are expecting rain today getting heavier over the weekend and possible some snow.  That is disappointing but we do need rain.  I finally remembered what I planted out in the garden this fall.  Allium!  I have always wanted some of those.  They are budding already too.
This is what they should look like:

 I have smaller ones that look a little like that but are chives.  I took this picture today of a honeybee on a dandelion, I think I'll get a print and frame it for the fair this year.

 Anyhow that is all the news I have.. I'm not feeling so angry now.  I realize I'm hard on Rich and I need to be thankful for what I have.  It is hard however to live with a man who won't get a job.

You know, its really hard for me to pinpoint a time in my life where I was happy.  It seems I was always as an adult looking for that Mr. Right and always settling for Mr. Right now.  Overlooking the flaws and settling for the what ifs.  I know I'm not perfect.  I'm insecure, clingy and overly emotional.  This new Linda I've become is different.  The angry person, the one who just doesn't give a damn.  Who doesn't have sex with her husband because she just doesn't want to.  Doesn't need to and doesn't care.  Of course the old Linda is still present.  The one who is afraid to go it alone.  Afraid the car might break down and she won't have the money or resources to get it fixed.  The roof might leak, the pipe might break etc.. etc..  however Linda can be very resourceful if needed.  
I went thru hell this past year with cancer.  Being sick, being bald, being in pain.  Yes my husband was there.  Supportive?  I guess.  Of course he told the counselor once that it didn't affect him because he wasn't going thru it himself.  He cooked and cleaned.  He brought in the occasional bit of money from fixing a computer or getting money from school.  
I tried.  I went to counseling.  I learned how to deal with his son who acts like a overgrown infant most of the time.  Hell, my husband acts like an overgrown infant too!  I can't stand being in the same room with him.  When he comes into the bedroom I get paranoid and defensive.  He stands behind me doing nothing or comes in and whistles at the birds.  I bristle.  I get snotty and nasty all the time.  I have been a mean bitch.  He is passive and takes it.  He is just a passive person.  He could get a job if he wanted.  He just doesn't want too.  He keeps scheming and dreaming that the perfect job is just going to come along and plop into his lap.  Meantime I am wondering how we are going to feed the kids this week without going to the food pantry again.  I get $40 tomorrow.  I better spend it wisely.  We had $60 in paypal.  $30 of it was a magazine subscription that I cancelled.  I sent that to the bank.  I should of sent the other $30 but its too late now.  He already spent in on a computer part.  He has spent thousands of dollars on computer crap.  A great deal of it was my money.  February was different.  As soon as I got my Social security money I took it and paid all the bills.  Thats what I'll do when I get my money this month.  I can't rely on him to pay anything.  He is supposed to get money from school but I'm not holding my breath on that.  
So the question is this.. should I wait until school is out so Karl won't have to change schools right now.. or should my broken give a damn extend to that too?

Anger

I have been dealing with a lot of anger issues.  I am an angry person most of the time.  Angry at myself, angry at my husband.  
I'm angry at myself for being such a fool.  Getting married to a man who blew smoke up my ass.  Believing he would get a job.  I was reading my post from Sept of 2008 when I first met him.  That post was so full of red flags it wasn't even funny.  Him not working, living with his sister, just out of a relationship.  Meeting him online.  He was and still is a major bullshit artist.  I wrote him a letter a month ago telling him that I'm not happy and if things don't improve he will have to leave.  I get a letter back starting with Linda Dear, we had it all we had nothing.  We reached for the stars and only grabbed moon dust.  What a crock of shit.  Then he has the nerve to say something about me spending money and going to St. Croix!  I supported his ass and kept us afloat for the last few years pretty much!  He makes a little bit of money here and there and gets money from school, but he is going to have one big debt when he is finished with school, if he ever gets finished.  He plans on going for a Masters degree when he finished his batchelors.  And I'm  supposed to stand around and wait for this big ass job he is supposed to get and make lots of money?  
He brings up the fact that I acted like a shit when I had cancer.  Well dear, how else am I supposed to act.  I could possibly die and you just sit on your ass.  I thought a man was supposed to help support his family?  Screw you!  He said he doesn't want a job that involves "manual labor".  Awwwww poor baby!  I'm going to tell him again, he can hit the bricks.  I can wait until school is out and then he is gone.  I can't take this anymore.  I can't live with someone I despise.  Just being in the same room with him makes me angry.  Looking at him makes me angry.  
I find myself thinking of excuses to keep him around.  He will fix the car, fix this fix that.  I used those excuses when I lived with an alcoholic abuser for 12 years.  I'm not wasting another year of my life on someone I can't stand to be around.  That's it.

I might be going to St. Croix!

My son is going with his Dad and his girlfriend (who used to be my brother's wife) to St. Croix again this Feb.  He asked me if I wanted to go and he will pay for my ticket.  I would love to go!  I already told my husband I may be going.  He doesn't mind but I will have to see if it is alright with Sarah's grandmother because I think she will be in school that week.  She will also be on her insulin pump by then and Grandma doesn't know how to do the set change.  I can either teach her or take Sarah off the pump while I'm gone.  Grandma gets very nervous about anything new.  She is always afraid she will do something to hurt Sarah.
Speaking of Sarah, the primpy princess managed to miss the bus this morning by taking to long to get up and ready!  She walked out the door just to see it go by.  I had to drive her to school.  Grrrr.  
Anyway, I'm already planning on what I want to do and see while in St. Croix.  I want to go on a snorkeling trip.  I want to go horseback riding.  I want to tour the gardens, historic sites and distillery.  There is so much to do!  I have never been to the Caribbean so this will be so nice!  This is a picture I snagged from Travis from his trip last year.

Little things

Just watched The Five people you meet in Heaven. Makes you think about what the story says.. that everything you do, everyone you meet or encounter, can change that persons life. The other day at CVS I saw an elderly woman on her knees feeling around the floor for something. I asked her if she needed help and she said she thought she dropped a dime or a quarter. I looked but didn't see it and reached in my pocket and I had a quarter in it and I gave it to her. She said "oh no you don't have to do that". I then pretended it was the quarter she lost. She was so happy. Maybe it is just a little thing but at the moment it was everything.   Most people  could care  less  if  they drop  a dime or  a  quarter  and  couldn't find  it,  but  to  her  it  was something.   She  probably  grew up in the  depression  or perhaps  is on a  fixed  income.    What ever the case I was glad I could help her even if  I  was  devious.   How many  others would of  walked by?  I have a strong love  in my  heart for  the elderly  after having worked with  them for 18 years.   The  urge  to  help  never goes away.    Some people  from the church  and I went to the  nursing home I used   to work  at and  this old  gentleman   was  in a chair and  I thought  he  was going to  stand  up and  I rushed   forward to stop  him.   I don't  work there  anymore, I could of  just stood there  but I couldn't.   I saw  several  people there  that  night that  I knew,  people  I worked with  and  residents that  knew me and  it  makes me feel  so  good that they are happy to see me.    I hope  I made a  difference because  that  is  what  life is all  about  isn't  it?  Love   and caring  for  your  fellow man.  

This is my Mom, she  loved to bake and made the best  cheesecakes!    I think I  got  my  caring  heart  from her.   I love  you Mom!

Tired and bored...

Happy New Year to everyone.  I  had a great New  Years Eve.  Went over to Pastor Kurt and Sharon's house.    There was lots of yummies to eat and then we played a very  funny game of Balderdash.  I haven't  laughed  like  that in such a long time!


I  am still considering reconstructive  surgery to  get a new breast.  I  would get skin taken from  my abdomen  and  have it put up on  the chest, then the other breast would get a lift done to  it.  I  would have two  new breasts and a tummy tuck!  It is a big surgery however and  I'm sure a painful recovery.   I  am  scheduled  to  see the surgeon on  the 16th of this  month.  I should  just go for  it, sure would help with my  body image and how I  feel about myself.  I've had all kinds of surgeries  and can  tough this one out  too.   I think the  worst  surgeries I have has were the hernia surgeries.  Those were  very painful after. 


We  are in the middle of  a cold  snap.   It is only 15F  at 2:00PM today but by the weekend we are supposed to be in the 40's.  We still haven't had any big snow storms yet this year.  Last year  we had  a  lot of  snow  in February so I'm  sure  we won't have too  long to wait!

My Wild bird cam

I have a live feed of  my bird feeders  right  outside my window.    You  can  check  out the  birds,  squirrels, weather, trailer park  folks etc..  Live!    USTREAM