Monday, April 16, 2012

You know, its really hard for me to pinpoint a time in my life where I was happy.  It seems I was always as an adult looking for that Mr. Right and always settling for Mr. Right now.  Overlooking the flaws and settling for the what ifs.  I know I'm not perfect.  I'm insecure, clingy and overly emotional.  This new Linda I've become is different.  The angry person, the one who just doesn't give a damn.  Who doesn't have sex with her husband because she just doesn't want to.  Doesn't need to and doesn't care.  Of course the old Linda is still present.  The one who is afraid to go it alone.  Afraid the car might break down and she won't have the money or resources to get it fixed.  The roof might leak, the pipe might break etc.. etc..  however Linda can be very resourceful if needed.  
I went thru hell this past year with cancer.  Being sick, being bald, being in pain.  Yes my husband was there.  Supportive?  I guess.  Of course he told the counselor once that it didn't affect him because he wasn't going thru it himself.  He cooked and cleaned.  He brought in the occasional bit of money from fixing a computer or getting money from school.  
I tried.  I went to counseling.  I learned how to deal with his son who acts like a overgrown infant most of the time.  Hell, my husband acts like an overgrown infant too!  I can't stand being in the same room with him.  When he comes into the bedroom I get paranoid and defensive.  He stands behind me doing nothing or comes in and whistles at the birds.  I bristle.  I get snotty and nasty all the time.  I have been a mean bitch.  He is passive and takes it.  He is just a passive person.  He could get a job if he wanted.  He just doesn't want too.  He keeps scheming and dreaming that the perfect job is just going to come along and plop into his lap.  Meantime I am wondering how we are going to feed the kids this week without going to the food pantry again.  I get $40 tomorrow.  I better spend it wisely.  We had $60 in paypal.  $30 of it was a magazine subscription that I cancelled.  I sent that to the bank.  I should of sent the other $30 but its too late now.  He already spent in on a computer part.  He has spent thousands of dollars on computer crap.  A great deal of it was my money.  February was different.  As soon as I got my Social security money I took it and paid all the bills.  Thats what I'll do when I get my money this month.  I can't rely on him to pay anything.  He is supposed to get money from school but I'm not holding my breath on that.  
So the question is this.. should I wait until school is out so Karl won't have to change schools right now.. or should my broken give a damn extend to that too?


  1. How old is Karl? If his father got off his ass he can take him to school instead of making him change schools. I say you have NO obligation, it is his. I guess he will just have to man up.

    On a brighter note, I love new Linda!

    1. Karl is almost 15, if Rich moved out he would probably move back in with his sister in Albany. Of course I could always have my son move back in and they can move next door with the neighbor! Of course then he will still be in my hair.

  2. Linda, you should not have to put up with this. You don't deserve it.


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