Fall 2013

My posting on here has been very frequent so I made the title to reflect the season.  
Summer was pretty uneventful.  I didn't get to go anywhere because of the car not getting fixed.  Then when it was fixed, Bozo never tightened a bolt and my axle nearly fell off.  It is fixed right now however my exhaust system needs repair.  It is an old car so things are going to start falling apart. 
Heating season is coming too and I am switching companies because I found I have been getting ripped off for years by Amerigas.  They have been charging me the full price when they could of lowered it.  I am going with Galway co-op for my propane.  They have great rates and free set up and delivery too.  Plus if I refer customers to them, I will get a $75 dollar reward!  
Kiki had her kittens and all but one are adopted.  The littlest one passed away.  She had a prolapse of her rectum.  Poor little tyke.  There is just the orange male left and I'm not sure if the lady that wanted him still wants him or not.
My garden wasn't too great this year.  I grew a few tomatoes, broccoli, cabbage, swiss chard and had an acorn squash plant grow on its own.  I had lettuce too in the spring.  I also planted potatoes but only harvested a couple handfuls.  I really am not looking forward to winter this year.  I need to get involved with something or hopefully get a decent job so that I can get more active.  I also want to be able to get out of this shitty trailer park.  The other tenants are a nightmare.  
I wonder why I bother blogging on here because it certainly is not very exciting or worth remembering.  Gives me something to do I guess.  

 

Nightmares

For years I have been plagued by nightmares.   Vivid and realistic ones.  Some are just horrifying.  Last night I had one involving parents.  They were not my parents in real life and in the dream I was not myself.  There was a fire in the house we were at and somehow my parents were in the basement.  The only way to save them was thru a metal bin, kind of like a dumpster except lower and accessing the basement.  I opened it up and it was an inferno.  I could hear my Mother in there screaming.  The bin was stuffed full of burning material and I was trying to pull it out.  Some men came and helped and pulled her out.  She was horribly burned.  She fell onto the ground and they picked her up to carry her to the ambulance as as they did, her face literally slid off.  It was charred and hard.  I asked them if I should pick it up so they can take it with them and they said yes.  I remember picking it up and holding her burned face.  It was not like a face but more like a mask.  I woke up then. 

The Stop sign

I just had another bizarre dream.. I frequently have very vivid dreams.  In this one I was coming into an apartment complex that I guess I lived in.  I was backing out of a parking spot and when I turned to go forward there was a stop sign on a post in a bucket in front of me blocking half the road.  I was seized with the urge to run it over and I drove at it.  Then I started to swerve at the last second but it was too late and I hit it sending it flying.  I kept going hoping no one saw me.  I went up and around and was then at the top of a hill and my husband was there outside of the vehicle.  I remember thinking that I was worried someone had seen me hit the sign but no one had said anything.  It was snowing and I told him to film it with my camera saying "Isn't this crazy?  We have tomato plants out and it is snowing in July"!  I went back to where the sign was and people were there from where I used to work.  I got out and tried fixing the sign but it kept falling over.  I was saying things like "I wonder what happened" and "Who did this"?  I couldn't fix it.  
Then the dream changed and I was in a park or something and rolled down a steep embankment.  I was laying at the bottom laughing about the sign that I had run over when all of a sudden a vehicle of some sort came flying over the embankment and landed hard just past me.  I stood up and two people got out.  One guy was Asian and had on a blue sweater and a scarf and blood was pouring out of his nose and mouth.  There was a woman with him.  She was tall and thin and very Nordic looking  She looked like Annie Lenox.  She just looked at him with no emotion as he was bleeding to death.  Then she grabbed my hand and said "Come with me".  We left him there and she was taking me with her.  We were in a building with a lot of people and I was trying to act casual and looking at art pieces on the wall.  She grabbed me to her and kissed me really hard and I woke up.  I was still laughing about the sign when I woke up though!

Sauteed Swiss chard and Radish Greens

I cooked up a mess of greens tonight.  This is how I did it.  First get as much swiss chard, spinach or other greens you want to saute.  Grab a clove or two of garlic.  Chop it up. Devein the chard by ripping the green away from the stems.  Set aside greens.  Chop stems up into chunks.  Heat olive oil or Italian salad dressing with oil in a pan .  When the oil is hot add the stems and saute them with the garlic for about 5 minutes or so until they are starting to get tender. 
Add greens.  Cook them until they are wilted.

When you are done, you will have some nice healthy greens to go with your meal.  Greens are high in so many vitamins and minerals.  Here is a link to information about it. SWISS CHARD

Radish greens are also very healthy.  They may be a little prickly when picked but that will go away when cooked.  Some people eat them raw.
RADISH GREENS

Sunscreen

Sunscreen

A poem by Linda M Wheeler

"You need to put on sunscreen", my mother would say, "before you go out to play"!
She rubbed it on our backs, shoulders, necks.  Her hands felt good, the white balm offering a thin veil of protection.
While other girls smoothed baby oil in a gossamer coat onto their thin, white bodies, baking in the sun.  Turning red and then brown, but we wore sunscreen.
Did my mother realize even back then, that the sun could harm us?  She spent her precious pennies to protect our fair and delicate bodies, not just for a day, but for a lifetime.

Off with her boob! Warning, photo of surgical area below.

I got my other breast removed on Thursday.  I guess the procedure took a couple hours.  I don't remember, I was asleep!  I woke up with a sore throat and that was about it!  My Dad brought me down and stayed until I was in my room.  That was really sweet of him because he really isn't much of a hospital guy.  I can't say I was too impressed with the VA for care.  Some parts were impressive and some parts were just sub standard.  When I first got into my room, my nurse and aide came in and made sure I was comfortable.  I was feeling no pain at that point.  Being silly from the anesthesia and making corny jokes.  That is just me anyhow.  A volunteer came in with a care package and a quilt.  I guess all new patients get it.  The care package had toiletries in it.  The bed was pretty fancy.  It was an air bed that moved air up and down the mattress.  After a while however, it was pretty annoying because my body was constantly shifting up and down.  The bed bottoms out too and that was not comfortable at all.  They said those beds cost $17,000 each!  The food was good but there was no choice, you ate what you got.  The coffee was not very good and they kept giving me milk even though I said I was lactose intolerant.  I only got one sugar with each meal tray except breakfast and I got two.  I had very little pain during my stay.  I didn't need much pain meds at all.  The bed was very difficult to get out of also.  Around 2 AM I was pressing the nurse call button on the bed and it started to occur to me that each time I had pressed it before, nothing happened.  I realized it probably didn't work and looked for the call bell on a cord.  It was way up hanging on the wall.  When the nurse finally came in I told her that I have been without a call bell for about 12 hours or more and I was not happy about that.  I had to get up a couple times to find a nurse.  I told her that I worked in health care for 18 years and the last thing a nurse or aide does before leaving a room is making sure the patient has their call bell!  She agreed and apologized.  I haven't decided yet whether I am going to write to the VA about it, I don't want anyone to be written up.  I just want them to use basic nursing care! 
My favorite part of the stay however was seeing one of the men from Nutritional Services in the hall.  All the people from there I saw were older black men, which is kind of unusual to me.  I told him that I was impressed with all the good looking young men from his department.  He smiled so big and was so happy with the compliment he hugged me!  He brought me my breakfast tray and was telling me I had just made his day!  I talked to him a little and found out he has worked there since he graduated from high school, 24 years ago!  I found that pretty impressive.  I wish I had remembered his name, I would like to tell his supervisor that he is doing a good job.
My Doctor came around 8 AM and said I could go home and her staff was supposed to write up my discharge papers.  Turns out they went to the OR instead and I didn't leave until about 10 AM. 
I feel pretty good, but I am sore all over, like I got beat up or something.  Makes you wonder what they do to you while you are on the operating table!

Anyhow, my stay was mostly good.  I'm happy to have this over and done.  My chest looks terrible and I am very flat!  I guess that is what I expected however.  She said the irregularities will smooth out over time.   Here is a picture.. don't say I didn't warn you!

Working on me

I can't say that life for me has been easy lately.  It has been very hard emotionally and somewhat hard physically.  I am still having a lot of anger over Rich and his behavior with his new girlfriend.  I have been going to counseling at the Va and it seems to be helping somewhat.  I am just having a hard time coming to terms with him moving on so quickly and not caring what I think or how I feel.  I have to remember than I am the one who asked him to leave.  I wish he didn't live right next door, I didn't think it would be like this.  He has no shame.  
I still have a lot of pain problems with by back, hips and legs.  I need to get out and exercise more and try to loose some weight.  I am up to 217.  I have never been this heavy before.  I weighed 30 lbs less when full term with a baby!
Spring is very slow to come this year and the cold is depressing.  I have to have the heat on still and it is so expensive.  I want to get out and do some fishing this week.  I have to stop and pick up some bait and some hooks.  I would like to try to catch some trout!  Being outdoors for me is the best therapy I can think of.   

The gun

I have a gun in my bedroom.  It is a single shot shotgun.  I think about it at night while I am trying to sleep.  I am starting to worry about it.  I worry about having an intruder break in and it sitting there in a corner collecting dust and I'm fumbling for the key to unlock it and load it.  I feel I want to lock my bedroom door at night too.  I don't know why I am scared.  I unlocked the gun and have it next to my bed now.  There is a shell on the bedside table.  I think if someone broke in they would get me before I got them anyhow.  I am being paranoid, I know.  Also I am not planning on shooting anyone or myself.  Just for clarification purposes.

Meaningless

Lately, my life just seems meaningless.  I hate getting up every morning knowing that everything is going to be the same.  Nothing ever changes.  I feel like I'm just waiting to die.  I am so angry and sad and feel so hopeless.  I sit here and look at my husband next door going on with his life, already with a new woman, like our marriage was nothing.  I was nothing.  Just a fucking roof and grocery bag to him.  Fuck him.  
I'm so stupid.  I spent over $60 for a 3 month subscription to match.com.  What a waste of money.  I should of known better.  Even the ugly guys aren't interested in me.  Of course who am I to judge who is ugly?  Who the hell would want me anyhow.  Fat, one titted, crazy old bitch.  
I sat today and watched my friends in St. Croix have fun for two hours.  TWO HOURS.  Wishing I was there.  Instead I sit here and play stupid facebook games.  Pretend farms, pretend amusement parks... waiting to die.  Waiting for the cancer to come back.  Eat, sleep, play games, scoop cat shit, pretend and pretend and pretend.  Who the hell really cares?  No one.  What have I done to make a difference?  Nothing.  I sit here and think about life and what happens when you die.  I want to believe in a God.  Why does He have to be invisible?  Why do we have to have faith?  Are we going to go to heaven or just rot in a hole and not know any better?  Or worse, what if hell is real?  Must suck to live in India and be a Hindu or something like that then.  
Live your life, live a good life and you die and oh shit.. you get to burn in hell for eternity because you guessed wrong.  God loves you!
   

The Green Gloves

I found a pair of green gloves today in the public library parking lot.  They looked as if they had been dropped by someone getting into their car.  My first thought was to take those green gloves for myself.  My inner voice said.. that would be stealing.  I went and picked up the gloves.  They were nice, had long cuffs and fit me.  They were a little thin but I liked the color.  I carried them in thinking to turn them in to the library for the lost and found.  I was warring with myself.. keep the gloves, turn them in.  I put them in my pocket and looked for some books.  On the way out the door I reached into my pocket feeling the gloves once again.  That pesky angel on one shoulder says "If you keep those gloves, you are stealing them!  Do you really need them?"  The bad "devil" side says "Oh do you really think someone is going to come back looking for those gloves"?   Finally I stopped, draped them on the rail and left them.  I reasoned to myself that even if the owner does not return, there may be someone else that really needs those gloves more than I do.  

 

Health insurance crisis

I am being forced off my family health plus program and onto full Medicare by Social Services.  They gave me two weeks and then it ends!  The lady I talked to on the phone said I had until the end of March!  This is ridiculous!  So I sent in the application to Medicare but I don't know what to do from here.  I applied for the Extra Help program.  I hope I qualify for that.  I'm really stressed over this and the prospect of co-pays I won't be able to afford.  Making a little over $1500 a month for me and my daughter isn't exactly rolling in the dough.  I realize it is probably more than someone making minimum wage would make.  I am hoping I can start the ticket to work program.  I am worried about my back and mental health however.  Now with the medical insurance being up in the air.. how will I be able to go back to work if I can't afford to go to the Dr?  
I'm hearing about other folks getting a lot of new money taken from their paychecks lately too.  I thought that when President Obama was elected he was supposed to be helping us, not hurting us!  The rich people won't feel any pain if they loose a few extra bucks, but the rest of us sure do!
Rich is pretty much fully moved over into his house.  He is still planning on taking the wood stove, a part of me wants to keep it just to keep it, but it is more trouble than its worth.  
I have worked out a budget for this month.  It does not include the premium for Medicare yet.  I am hoping I will qualify for the help with social services.  It is so nerve racking.  Seems they want you to only be able to afford rent, electricity and a little food.  Nothing else allowed for poor folk.  Gotta say life really sucks sometimes.  

Buzzy

It has nearly been two months since I lost my little buddy.  I miss him so much.  My pain has not healed.  I have been through so much these last couple of months.  It is funny how my marriage has crumbled but the only thing that can make me cry is thinking of Buzzy.  I found this poem I had printed off the internet.  I can't remember who's page I saw it on but it makes me cry.  I don't even know if it is complete or who wrote it but here it is.  I found the rest of this on 2/24/2013.  I still am crying for my little man.

The Greatest Gift
  I always knew this time would come,
From the very instant our eyes first met.
How I loved you then!  How I love you now!
I made a promise then, and I will keep that promise now...
You will not suffer from a pain that will not heal,
You will not know the loss of life remembered, now gone.

It is for me alone to make this decision,
The price for the bright joy and pure laughter
You brought me during the time we shared.
I am the only one who can decide when it is time.
When my hope dies and my fears ride high,
Just when I need you most, I must let you go.

It is for you alone to tell me when you are ready
For without your guidance, I will not know.
When to lay aside my grief, my guilt, my anger,
My sorrow and my selfish heart aside
And give you this last gift, this greatest gift.
Your eyes will speak to mine, and I will know.

The pain of this moment is excruciating.
Tears stream down my face in a river of sorrow.
And my heart drowns in a pool of grief.
For you have spoken and I have listened,
And unlike other decisions I have made
This one brings no relief.. no comfort..no peace.

For if there's one thing you've taught me,
If there's only one thing I've learned..
Unconditional love has a condition after all,
I must be willing to let you go, if you cannot go alone.
And I must accept my pain so you can be free of yours.

Go easily now, go quickly now,
Do not linger here, it is time for you to leave.
Go find your strength, go find your youth.
Go find the ones who've gone before you.
You are free to leave me now, free to let your spirit soar.
Rest easy now, your pain will soon be gone.

I pray I will find comfort in my memories...
In the dark and lonely days ahead.
I cannot say I will not miss you, I cannot say I will not cry.
For only my tears can heal my broken heart.
You will live, alive in my mind, forever in my heart.

So I give you this last gift, all I have left to give,
And this will be my greatest gift... sending you away.
It is the measure of my unconditional love..
For only the greatest love can say,
"Good-bye, go find the bridge, we'll meet again,
Loving you has been the greatest gift of all"

Author  Karla M. Bertram    


The rest of the poem is missing.  I must of tossed it on accident.  I am hoping to find a copy of it somewhere so I can finish putting it here.  I need to get some pictures of Buzzy and have them framed.  I plan on planting a garden over his and Esther's graves this spring.

The old school desk

A posting from a Facebook friend brought back a memory to me of my elementary school days.  I'm not sure what grade it was but next to the window was an antique school desk.  It looked something like this but to me seemed much bigger.  I think it was on a platform for some reason.

Every day a different student was chosen to sit at the desk.  They were the student of the day and I imagine it came with other privileges like being line leader etc.. I remember the excitement I felt about being chosen to sit at the desk and how special I felt all day long.  It is funny how easy it was to please young children back then!  A simple desk could make a child feel like king or queen for the day!