Saturday, July 31, 2010

Thinking about things

I have been thinking alot about this drug that my Dr. put me on for my panic disorder.  It is generally used for people with bi-polar disorder or schizophrenia.  It made me look back at my life and my pattern of behaviors over most of my adult life.  I can see now that there may have been cycling episodes.  It may just be mild but I can see a pattern.  I have had periods of intense interest in a particular activity or person and if things go wrong, like they have recently I get very upset and quickly move on to fill the hole, so to speak.  I would get depressed easily and think that my life was shit.  
Lately I think my activities have been based around horses, working with them etc.. I have never in my life had the opportunity to do what I want to do now.  My ultimate goal is to own a horse.  I can see where I become involved in almost an unhealthy way.  I feel like I'm "at one" with horses and that I may have a special connection with them etc..  I have not done anything inappropriate that I can see however.  I still use caution and care which some people with bipolar disorder don't use.  I have been clinically depressed off and on thru my adult life and on meds since Sarah was born.  At first it was thought to be postpartum depression but I was never able to come off the meds.  Lately tho, the meds haven't worked well for me, I remained depressed and had no interest in life except for things that I developed a passion for.  The house could look like a pig sty and I wouldn't care, I would leave the mess and go out and do something else.  I have neglected my children emotionally by distancing myself and have done this with my husband too.  I am going to discuss this with my Dr. when I go back and see if I should see a psychologist or something.  Honestly I would like to be able to work, but I don't want to work where I do now.  Work in general is becoming hard for me.  To be able to focus and apply myself is hard.  I find I take time off work too much.  Its hard for me to complete several days of work in a row.  
I don't like this new med I am on, I have read alot of bad things about it, how harmful it can be.  Also it makes people eat excessively and I have noticed an increase in my appetite already.  
Anyhow I have found a new farm to go try but it is pretty far, about and hour drive so if I go it will only be once a week or less.  The girl there sounds pretty generous about letting us ride however.  Linda


  1. Well I'm not surprised the anti depressants have stopped working, they always do. They are not able to work forever. What happens is when you increase recepters for seratonin you decrease production of seratonin. Some anti depressants work in the opposite way, they increase production of seratonin but they also decrease receptors. Anti depressants originally were used to "get over a hurdle", while you were in the middle of trauma. Now, they are simply used to control "depression" without ever uncovering the root of the depression. All depression has a root, its not just that you are born depressed. I think therapy and counseling would do you better than drugs, though I am sure your doctor will want you to try others. Just dont toss the therapy and counseling.
    Also your happiness being around horses IS therapeutic so whatever you have to do to continue being around them, if you have to drive far, so be it.

  2. Linda, why not look into therapy horses? I know they have horses specifically meant to work with people as therapy. Such a place would not be turning you away for making them "uncomfortable" (which I think is a copout, they should give you a reason.)

  3. Every couple of years I must switch antidepressants. They all stop working after some time so you need to keep jumping from one to another.

    Hope you have a good week.

  4. beautiful blog..pls visit mine and be a follower.. thanks and God bless..

  5. I understand your moodchanges so well and I have also realized that my life has been up and down way back. After I was diagnose with bipolar disease type 2 I understand myself better and with stabilizing drugs I live a fairly good life. Manage to work 50% even though I have no strenghth after 3 days of work. However it's worth it right now as I get so much appreciation from patients (I am a reg nurse). Hope you will find a drug that suits so you feel better almost always anyway. _Take Care, think of yourself!

    Christina, Sweden


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