I have been thinking alot about this drug that my Dr. put me on for my panic disorder. It is generally used for people with bi-polar disorder or schizophrenia. It made me look back at my life and my pattern of behaviors over most of my adult life. I can see now that there may have been cycling episodes. It may just be mild but I can see a pattern. I have had periods of intense interest in a particular activity or person and if things go wrong, like they have recently I get very upset and quickly move on to fill the hole, so to speak. I would get depressed easily and think that my life was shit.
Lately I think my activities have been based around horses, working with them etc.. I have never in my life had the opportunity to do what I want to do now. My ultimate goal is to own a horse. I can see where I become involved in almost an unhealthy way. I feel like I'm "at one" with horses and that I may have a special connection with them etc.. I have not done anything inappropriate that I can see however. I still use caution and care which some people with bipolar disorder don't use. I have been clinically depressed off and on thru my adult life and on meds since Sarah was born. At first it was thought to be postpartum depression but I was never able to come off the meds. Lately tho, the meds haven't worked well for me, I remained depressed and had no interest in life except for things that I developed a passion for. The house could look like a pig sty and I wouldn't care, I would leave the mess and go out and do something else. I have neglected my children emotionally by distancing myself and have done this with my husband too. I am going to discuss this with my Dr. when I go back and see if I should see a psychologist or something. Honestly I would like to be able to work, but I don't want to work where I do now. Work in general is becoming hard for me. To be able to focus and apply myself is hard. I find I take time off work too much. Its hard for me to complete several days of work in a row.
I don't like this new med I am on, I have read alot of bad things about it, how harmful it can be. Also it makes people eat excessively and I have noticed an increase in my appetite already.
Anyhow I have found a new farm to go try but it is pretty far, about and hour drive so if I go it will only be once a week or less. The girl there sounds pretty generous about letting us ride however. Linda