I am being forced off my family health plus program and onto full Medicare by Social Services. They gave me two weeks and then it ends! The lady I talked to on the phone said I had until the end of March! This is ridiculous! So I sent in the application to Medicare but I don't know what to do from here. I applied for the Extra Help program. I hope I qualify for that. I'm really stressed over this and the prospect of co-pays I won't be able to afford. Making a little over $1500 a month for me and my daughter isn't exactly rolling in the dough. I realize it is probably more than someone making minimum wage would make. I am hoping I can start the ticket to work program. I am worried about my back and mental health however. Now with the medical insurance being up in the air.. how will I be able to go back to work if I can't afford to go to the Dr?
I'm hearing about other folks getting a lot of new money taken from their paychecks lately too. I thought that when President Obama was elected he was supposed to be helping us, not hurting us! The rich people won't feel any pain if they loose a few extra bucks, but the rest of us sure do!
Rich is pretty much fully moved over into his house. He is still planning on taking the wood stove, a part of me wants to keep it just to keep it, but it is more trouble than its worth.
I have worked out a budget for this month. It does not include the premium for Medicare yet. I am hoping I will qualify for the help with social services. It is so nerve racking. Seems they want you to only be able to afford rent, electricity and a little food. Nothing else allowed for poor folk. Gotta say life really sucks sometimes.
Friday, January 18, 2013
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Buzzy
It has nearly been two months since I lost my little buddy. I miss him so much. My pain has not healed. I have been through so much these last couple of months. It is funny how my marriage has crumbled but the only thing that can make me cry is thinking of Buzzy. I found this poem I had printed off the internet. I can't remember who's page I saw it on but it makes me cry. I don't even know if it is complete or who wrote it but here it is. I found the rest of this on 2/24/2013. I still am crying for my little man.
The Greatest Gift
I always knew this time would come,
From the very instant our eyes first met.
How I loved you then! How I love you now!
I made a promise then, and I will keep that promise now...
You will not suffer from a pain that will not heal,
You will not know the loss of life remembered, now gone.
It is for me alone to make this decision,
The price for the bright joy and pure laughter
You brought me during the time we shared.
I am the only one who can decide when it is time.
When my hope dies and my fears ride high,
Just when I need you most, I must let you go.
It is for you alone to tell me when you are ready
For without your guidance, I will not know.
When to lay aside my grief, my guilt, my anger,
My sorrow and my selfish heart aside
And give you this last gift, this greatest gift.
Your eyes will speak to mine, and I will know.
The pain of this moment is excruciating.
Tears stream down my face in a river of sorrow.
And my heart drowns in a pool of grief.
For you have spoken and I have listened,
And unlike other decisions I have made
This one brings no relief.. no comfort..no peace.
For if there's one thing you've taught me,
If there's only one thing I've learned..
Unconditional love has a condition after all,
I must be willing to let you go, if you cannot go alone.
And I must accept my pain so you can be free of yours.
Go easily now, go quickly now,
Do not linger here, it is time for you to leave.
Go find your strength, go find your youth.
Go find the ones who've gone before you.
You are free to leave me now, free to let your spirit soar.
Rest easy now, your pain will soon be gone.
I pray I will find comfort in my memories...
In the dark and lonely days ahead.
I cannot say I will not miss you, I cannot say I will not cry.
For only my tears can heal my broken heart.
You will live, alive in my mind, forever in my heart.
So I give you this last gift, all I have left to give,
And this will be my greatest gift... sending you away.
It is the measure of my unconditional love..
For only the greatest love can say,
"Good-bye, go find the bridge, we'll meet again,
Loving you has been the greatest gift of all"
Author Karla M. Bertram
The rest of the poem is missing. I must of tossed it on accident. I am hoping to find a copy of it somewhere so I can finish putting it here. I need to get some pictures of Buzzy and have them framed. I plan on planting a garden over his and Esther's graves this spring.
The Greatest Gift
I always knew this time would come,
From the very instant our eyes first met.
How I loved you then! How I love you now!
I made a promise then, and I will keep that promise now...
You will not suffer from a pain that will not heal,
You will not know the loss of life remembered, now gone.
It is for me alone to make this decision,
The price for the bright joy and pure laughter
You brought me during the time we shared.
I am the only one who can decide when it is time.
When my hope dies and my fears ride high,
Just when I need you most, I must let you go.
It is for you alone to tell me when you are ready
For without your guidance, I will not know.
When to lay aside my grief, my guilt, my anger,
My sorrow and my selfish heart aside
And give you this last gift, this greatest gift.
Your eyes will speak to mine, and I will know.
The pain of this moment is excruciating.
Tears stream down my face in a river of sorrow.
And my heart drowns in a pool of grief.
For you have spoken and I have listened,
And unlike other decisions I have made
This one brings no relief.. no comfort..no peace.
For if there's one thing you've taught me,
If there's only one thing I've learned..
Unconditional love has a condition after all,
I must be willing to let you go, if you cannot go alone.
And I must accept my pain so you can be free of yours.
Go easily now, go quickly now,
Do not linger here, it is time for you to leave.
Go find your strength, go find your youth.
Go find the ones who've gone before you.
You are free to leave me now, free to let your spirit soar.
Rest easy now, your pain will soon be gone.
I pray I will find comfort in my memories...
In the dark and lonely days ahead.
I cannot say I will not miss you, I cannot say I will not cry.
For only my tears can heal my broken heart.
You will live, alive in my mind, forever in my heart.
So I give you this last gift, all I have left to give,
And this will be my greatest gift... sending you away.
It is the measure of my unconditional love..
For only the greatest love can say,
"Good-bye, go find the bridge, we'll meet again,
Loving you has been the greatest gift of all"
Author Karla M. Bertram
The rest of the poem is missing. I must of tossed it on accident. I am hoping to find a copy of it somewhere so I can finish putting it here. I need to get some pictures of Buzzy and have them framed. I plan on planting a garden over his and Esther's graves this spring.
Friday, January 11, 2013
The old school desk
A posting from a Facebook friend brought back a memory to me of my elementary school days. I'm not sure what grade it was but next to the window was an antique school desk. It looked something like this but to me seemed much bigger. I think it was on a platform for some reason.
Every day a different student was chosen to sit at the desk. They were the student of the day and I imagine it came with other privileges like being line leader etc.. I remember the excitement I felt about being chosen to sit at the desk and how special I felt all day long. It is funny how easy it was to please young children back then! A simple desk could make a child feel like king or queen for the day!
Sunday, December 30, 2012
End of the year 2012
This year has come to a close. I think back on everything I did this year. Even though it seems like I didn't do anything, I actually did quite a bit. I went to St. Croix.
I went to Buffalo!
We grew a nice garden. This has been a hard year financially. It has led me to make the decision to get a divorce. My husband is in the process of moving out. I just can't take it anymore. He is moving next door. I don't know how that is going to work out. He is still technically living here but has stopped helping me except to eat my food, use my bathroom and sleep on my couch. I should tell him to wash the dishes at least! Lazy SOB! Four years together and he only worked 6 months of that. Poverty is not my idea of fun.
I want to go to St. Croix again this year, but I don't think I will be able to afford it. Kate broke up with Greg, finally! I can't stand him. Sarah's father is a worthless POS. Didn't even call her for Christmas. Last I heard from him he was drinking his sorrows away while me and Sarah and her grandmother were in the hospital because she had her appendix out. Sarah that is.
Sarah's grandfather died a couple months ago. He was pretty sick for a long time.
We had a couple storms come thru so we have about a foot of snow out there. It is going to stay cold so it won't melt. I know my house looses a lot of heat because the side is all covered with ice.
I'm looking forward to the New Year. I am going to try really hard not to get into another relationship. I don't need the drama and I don't think I'm cut out for relationships anyhow. I'll be happy and single!
I want to go to St. Croix again this year, but I don't think I will be able to afford it. Kate broke up with Greg, finally! I can't stand him. Sarah's father is a worthless POS. Didn't even call her for Christmas. Last I heard from him he was drinking his sorrows away while me and Sarah and her grandmother were in the hospital because she had her appendix out. Sarah that is.
Sarah's grandfather died a couple months ago. He was pretty sick for a long time.
We had a couple storms come thru so we have about a foot of snow out there. It is going to stay cold so it won't melt. I know my house looses a lot of heat because the side is all covered with ice.
I'm looking forward to the New Year. I am going to try really hard not to get into another relationship. I don't need the drama and I don't think I'm cut out for relationships anyhow. I'll be happy and single!
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Fall is coming
Once again, fall is upon us. The leaves are slowly turning. The nights are cold, the crops are nearly done. Rich and I are going to try hunting this year. We have our license and tags. I'm hoping for at least one deer and a couple turkeys to make it worthwhile. There has been so much crap going on in the trailer park where I live. Fights, drugs, arson, police, firetrucks. Damn landlord is right in the middle stirring things up and having a drug addict living with him off and on.
We had a friend here who was arrested last night for drugs and assault. He had us fooled the whole time he was here, acting like he was a victim. Kept having these 20 something year old women coming in and out while he supported them and their habits. Can't trust anyone or be friends with anyone because you never know when you are going to get dragged down in their drama too. We really need to find another place to live. Paying $400 a month while other people in this park are thousands of dollars behind in their rent and the landlord doesn't do a damn thing about it.
Sarah's Grandfather died a few days ago. The funeral is tomorrow. He had been sick for a long time with emphysema. He smoked and drank a lot. I feel sorry for Sarah's grandmother. She spent her entire adult life taking caring of kids and then an sick husband. She probably has hardly ever done anything for herself except go to Curves. I'm hoping we can get her out doing some stuff with us now.
We got another dog. Probably shouldn't have because we always complain we don't have money to take them to the vet. This dog is healthy except he has a lot of tartar on his teeth. I am trying to take care of it at home but I think he really needs a doggy dental cleaning.
Really not too much more going on. Staying cancer free for now and starting to think about going back to work. I tire so easily still however so it would have to be something fairly easy. Part time too. Kind of ticks me off that I am the one probably having to go back to work because my husband won't get a job. Too busy hanging out with the neighbors I guess. My back is not better at all. I can't do much without it hurting.
I sure am whining a lot as usual. I guess it is ok because I don't blog and whine every day! :)
We had a friend here who was arrested last night for drugs and assault. He had us fooled the whole time he was here, acting like he was a victim. Kept having these 20 something year old women coming in and out while he supported them and their habits. Can't trust anyone or be friends with anyone because you never know when you are going to get dragged down in their drama too. We really need to find another place to live. Paying $400 a month while other people in this park are thousands of dollars behind in their rent and the landlord doesn't do a damn thing about it.
Sarah's Grandfather died a few days ago. The funeral is tomorrow. He had been sick for a long time with emphysema. He smoked and drank a lot. I feel sorry for Sarah's grandmother. She spent her entire adult life taking caring of kids and then an sick husband. She probably has hardly ever done anything for herself except go to Curves. I'm hoping we can get her out doing some stuff with us now.
We got another dog. Probably shouldn't have because we always complain we don't have money to take them to the vet. This dog is healthy except he has a lot of tartar on his teeth. I am trying to take care of it at home but I think he really needs a doggy dental cleaning.
Really not too much more going on. Staying cancer free for now and starting to think about going back to work. I tire so easily still however so it would have to be something fairly easy. Part time too. Kind of ticks me off that I am the one probably having to go back to work because my husband won't get a job. Too busy hanging out with the neighbors I guess. My back is not better at all. I can't do much without it hurting.
I sure am whining a lot as usual. I guess it is ok because I don't blog and whine every day! :)
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Fall is coming!
Fall in upstate NY is not going to be as good as most falls we have due to bad weather. The late frost we got killed off a lot of blossoms in the apple orchards. Lack of rain will make the colors change on the trees not as bright. I'm not sure how the pumpkins did. Stupid squirrels have been climbing up my sunflower stalks and gnawing at the seed heads and the seeds aren't even ripe yet! Our tomatoes are done but my neighbor has tons of them. We need to get over there and pick them for him. He is the one that got sent to jail over a false accusation. I need to get some canning jars and can up those tomatoes. We have cabbage still waiting to be picked. Maybe I'll make some pickled cabbage if there is such thing! I don't want to try to deal with making sauerkraut.
I've been so darn tired and lazy feeling lately. I've gained about 10 lbs and my joints and muscles ache. I hate it. Oncologist visit went well yesterday. I see the radiologist next month. One year since my cancer treatment. I hope I make it to the 5 year mark!
I've been so darn tired and lazy feeling lately. I've gained about 10 lbs and my joints and muscles ache. I hate it. Oncologist visit went well yesterday. I see the radiologist next month. One year since my cancer treatment. I hope I make it to the 5 year mark!
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Summer
My summer hasn't been to exciting. Went to Hampton Beach at the beginning of the month.. that was a nice trip although HB really isn't my style. Too crowded and touristy. We went up to Nubble Lighthouse in Maine the last day of our trip and then drove home. The ride back was miserable getting stuck in traffic jams most of the way.
My son turned 21 on Friday August 24th. He had a party at his Dad's and Kate's. I'm afraid of my son turning into an alcoholic because it seems the only way he can "bond" with his Dad is with alcohol. His Dad is a very bad alcoholic. Will probably kill him soon.
My daughter is 13 today. She is really her own person. Very independent but so immature too. Her hair is pink and I let her get her nose pierced yesterday!
I worry about my Mom. Sometimes she comes out with such mean statements. She told me the other day that my friends (hence me) make her sick because we support President Obama. She hates politics and just blindly votes for whomever is running the Republican ticket.
I want to be more informed. Seems I've always voted Democrat even though I'm registered Republican. I put in to be switched but I have to wait until after the Presidential election.
Funny, I can't remember who I voted for when Bush Jr was elected, maybe I didn't vote. I think he ran against Dole didn't he? I know I didn't vote for him.
Finances are still getting me down. Somehow we managed to blow through my whole SS check without paying any bills except half the lot rent. Rich is supposed to get his student aide money next week. That kind of stuff really bothers me. I hate being broke.
Rich is getting a job soon wiring an entire house being remodeled. The house is an old Victorian from the 1890's. He got some nice wood from it that he has been using in the house here for window trim etc.. I love old houses and can't wait to go over and see this one. If Rich gets known as being a good electrician maybe he can work doing that, he seems to like it. I'm sure he can get referrals from the guy he is working for now.
You don't have to be certified to be an electrician in NY, you just need it for inspecting.
I am not sure yet what I am going to do. I might go back to work part time but I am not sure how that will affect my SS. I think as long as I only work a couple days a week it won't count against it. I think I can handle doing some light senior care. The agencies around here don't pay much, so maybe I can find a private duty. I should start advertising at places seniors go. I can do shopping, laundry etc.. maybe advertise as a personal assistant.
Fall will be here soon. I like fall but after the leaves fall off the trees I get sad because I know winter is coming. I hate being cold. Of course with all these hot flashed I have, I'll be nice and toasty.. Ha!
My son turned 21 on Friday August 24th. He had a party at his Dad's and Kate's. I'm afraid of my son turning into an alcoholic because it seems the only way he can "bond" with his Dad is with alcohol. His Dad is a very bad alcoholic. Will probably kill him soon.
My daughter is 13 today. She is really her own person. Very independent but so immature too. Her hair is pink and I let her get her nose pierced yesterday!
I worry about my Mom. Sometimes she comes out with such mean statements. She told me the other day that my friends (hence me) make her sick because we support President Obama. She hates politics and just blindly votes for whomever is running the Republican ticket.
I want to be more informed. Seems I've always voted Democrat even though I'm registered Republican. I put in to be switched but I have to wait until after the Presidential election.
Funny, I can't remember who I voted for when Bush Jr was elected, maybe I didn't vote. I think he ran against Dole didn't he? I know I didn't vote for him.
Finances are still getting me down. Somehow we managed to blow through my whole SS check without paying any bills except half the lot rent. Rich is supposed to get his student aide money next week. That kind of stuff really bothers me. I hate being broke.
Rich is getting a job soon wiring an entire house being remodeled. The house is an old Victorian from the 1890's. He got some nice wood from it that he has been using in the house here for window trim etc.. I love old houses and can't wait to go over and see this one. If Rich gets known as being a good electrician maybe he can work doing that, he seems to like it. I'm sure he can get referrals from the guy he is working for now.
You don't have to be certified to be an electrician in NY, you just need it for inspecting.
I am not sure yet what I am going to do. I might go back to work part time but I am not sure how that will affect my SS. I think as long as I only work a couple days a week it won't count against it. I think I can handle doing some light senior care. The agencies around here don't pay much, so maybe I can find a private duty. I should start advertising at places seniors go. I can do shopping, laundry etc.. maybe advertise as a personal assistant.
Fall will be here soon. I like fall but after the leaves fall off the trees I get sad because I know winter is coming. I hate being cold. Of course with all these hot flashed I have, I'll be nice and toasty.. Ha!
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