I have been thinking alot about this drug that my Dr. put me on for my panic disorder. It is generally used for people with bi-polar disorder or schizophrenia. It made me look back at my life and my pattern of behaviors over most of my adult life. I can see now that there may have been cycling episodes. It may just be mild but I can see a pattern. I have had periods of intense interest in a particular activity or person and if things go wrong, like they have recently I get very upset and quickly move on to fill the hole, so to speak. I would get depressed easily and think that my life was shit.
Lately I think my activities have been based around horses, working with them etc.. I have never in my life had the opportunity to do what I want to do now. My ultimate goal is to own a horse. I can see where I become involved in almost an unhealthy way. I feel like I'm "at one" with horses and that I may have a special connection with them etc.. I have not done anything inappropriate that I can see however. I still use caution and care which some people with bipolar disorder don't use. I have been clinically depressed off and on thru my adult life and on meds since Sarah was born. At first it was thought to be postpartum depression but I was never able to come off the meds. Lately tho, the meds haven't worked well for me, I remained depressed and had no interest in life except for things that I developed a passion for. The house could look like a pig sty and I wouldn't care, I would leave the mess and go out and do something else. I have neglected my children emotionally by distancing myself and have done this with my husband too. I am going to discuss this with my Dr. when I go back and see if I should see a psychologist or something. Honestly I would like to be able to work, but I don't want to work where I do now. Work in general is becoming hard for me. To be able to focus and apply myself is hard. I find I take time off work too much. Its hard for me to complete several days of work in a row.
I don't like this new med I am on, I have read alot of bad things about it, how harmful it can be. Also it makes people eat excessively and I have noticed an increase in my appetite already.
Anyhow I have found a new farm to go try but it is pretty far, about and hour drive so if I go it will only be once a week or less. The girl there sounds pretty generous about letting us ride however. Linda
The person who runs Old Friends at Cabin Creek have decided that there is something about me that makes them feel uncomfortable. Until they think it over and find out what that exactly is I guess I am not welcome there any longer. I'm very upset considering all the hours of time I've put in there. One of the horses there recently died and I'm thinking she may somehow think its my fault. Also because Funny Cide is there for a visit. I saw him today briefly before I was given the boot, also saw Jack Knowlton too. Time to find a new barn, I have a possibility already but its an hour drive.
Wow that title sounds so exciting, where should I start. I guess with the trailer park drama. The people who live across from us, its a woman and her "boyfriend" I guess. Anyhow he gets bursts of violent outrages and last week I heard loud banging and she was screaming like he was killing her. Now some of my longer readers will know how I feel about being exposed to that type of behavior as I lived with it for 12 years. I did what most people would do and called 911. It took about 10 minutes for the police to come, mind you I wasn't the only one that called according to the dispatcher. So while they were on the way I went outside to be nosy. I was sitting on my patio where no one could see me. The boyfriend goes outside and bangs on their car and then grabs a ladder and climbs up a tree! He stays up there while the police come. In the meantime the girlfriend had come out and was putting things in her car when they came. She must of told them that everything was fine because they left. The boyfriend comes out of the tree and starts talking and singing about "scumbags". End of part 1.
Now the day before yesterday my husband goes outside for a smoke and the boyfriend comes out of this trailer and directly called my husband "scumbag" and "cop caller". He offered my husband to go over so he could get his "ass kicked". My husband is a real man and told the little meathead to take a hike. So the same night the banging and screaming start again. I look out and the boyfriend comes out of house and has a cellphone, he looks at it, runs back in and starts confronting his g/f about calling 911. He throws the phone and starts kicking furniture and hollering. She is screaming "Call the cops, call the cops". She said "get out of my house, this time I'm pressing charges". So we called 911 again. The b/f takes off again and her family shows up to comfort her right about the time the police show up. Anyhow I don't know if they found him or what. I haven't seen him and hope I don't.
My anxiety has been bad the last week and I had another attack where I was trembling and it got so bad I was stuttering. I went to the Dr. while I was having it, my appt happened to be then. She diagnosed me with psychotic anxiety of something like that. Then she gave me a drug which she said should help me sleep and is a mood stabilizer. Its called Zyprexa. It has all sorts of lovely side effects such as massive weight gain etc. I took it once and it turned me into a zombie. I lost some control over my limbs and was walking funny and "tweaking". I feel better now but I'm afraid to take it again.
I'm not too happy with the way I've been feeling lately. Still no energy and if it gets up over the 80's outside I have to stay in with the A/C on or I get sick. I start sweating and feeling light headed. I haven't had any more anxiety attacks like the one last week in the store. Not sure if I blogged about that. I had an anxiety attack right after dropping things off at the fair. We went to the store and it was all I could do to hang on until we got a few things. I was walking around following my husband clutching a box of Froot Loops to my chest, eyes bugged out and breathing rapidly. Not fun. I was quite anxious this morning when I got up however. I think it may be because I go to the Dr. tomorrow to find out when I can go back to work or if I should. I really don't want to. I'm worried that I will just fall back into the same problems as before with being overwhelmed and not being able to function. Hell.. I can't function now. I have to ambition to go out and do anything. I did go to the fair with my husband to see how we did with our entries. We did pretty good except my floral entries sucked. I only won a second place there. I got two blue ribbons overall I believe and the rest second place. I will earn back enough to cover my entry fees at least. We also watched a little of the tractor pulls. I love those!
Our trip was pretty uneventful. We ended up leaving early because our dog with the skin disease was disturbing to some of the relatives. We couldn't leave him outside or tie him up cause he would bark and whine. I was ready to come home anyway. The kids are going to camp for 5 days starting this Sunday. This will be Sarah's first time to camp. I hope she enjoys it. Oh my biopsy came back ok. I still don't know why there is a lump there but it is benign anyhow. Thank God, I don't need to deal with cancer right now. This weekend will be dedicated to getting ready for the fair and getting kids off to camp. I have a few flower arrangements to fix up and tidy up the vegetable plants to enter. I am trying antiques for the first time this year. Also the "fun with vegetables" category, I am entering for largest zucchini. I have a whopper outside that is still growing. It has two and a half more days before I cut it off the mother ship. Here is a picture of it.
Tomorrow we will be leaving to go down to the Catskills to the summer house. Its an old house with no electricity but plenty of space and a huge yard. Its out in the middle of the mountains with a nice view. Very quiet and relaxing.
I went Friday for a biopsy on the hard mass in my breast. They found that the cyst that was aspirated filled back up. The Dr. told me that is unusual. So I am waiting for the results from the biopsy. Hopefully get them Tue or Wed. I also received a jury summons in the mail! I have never been called for jury duty since my son was an infant and I was excused. I hope I get picked. Not that I want to miss more work but that because I've always wanted to do this. I think it would be interesting.
I went outside this morning and took pictures of a zucchini stem with 3 flowers on it! I have never seen anything like this before. Unfortunately it was a male, so no triple zucchinis from it!
I heard a lot of blue jay screaming outside shortly after and went out to discover my cat had a baby blue jay. I would try to get it away and he kept going under the house with it. My husband finally got it away and the poor thing is still alive.
I really have my doubts that it will survive. I have it in a shoebox right now and it has just been laying quietly first panting and now breathing with its mouth closed. I would be very surprised if it actually survived this encounter. It is almost fledged out. It has full feathers on its wings and was probably just starting out and fell on the ground where the cat got it. I hate to see that happen but its hard to keep the cats in all the time.
I am going to the surgeon today and will post what he says later..
Hi everyone, as we celebrate America's birthday I would like to wish you a safe and happy day! With that said..
I'm still out of work until Thursday when I go and see the Dr. again. I am still not feeling stable enough to go back, my moods are up and down and I have a lot of anxiety still. I've been trying to get out there and have fun, but I haven't been posting much about it, especially on Facebook because I have co-workers on there and I'm sure someone would blab to my boss that I don't look depressed enough. I guess I shouldn't worry about it because I don't think I will be returning to that position anyhow. Funny, I'm out on medical leave and not once has anyone called me to ask how I am. I received two well-wishers on Facebook but that is it. No call from my boss or co-workers. Oh well! Lots of jobs available at the hospital. They have been wanting me to interview over there for years. I've put in for jobs and have cancelled interviews because I don't want to take a paycut. Right now, my sanity is more important. I won't go back to working until I feel stable. I hope my Dr. agrees with me. This disorder runs in my family, so at least I don't feel alone.
I am sad also because my Mom is not doing well. Her heart is severely damaged and her diabetes is bad. She lives so far away and it kills me to know that any day I could get that phone call that she has gone to heaven. I feel guilty for not being closer to her so I can be with her.
Wow, this is a gloomy post as usual. Well, on to more gloom... I am going to the surgeon on Wed for his opinion on the mass left in my breast after the cyst aspiration. It may very well be just fibrous tissue and I am not upset at all that it may be something else. I will wait until I see what he thinks and go from there.
The garden continues to do well, we have a couple of nice zucchini out there, I'm growing one for the fair to see how big it will get, I have an entry for largest zucchini. I hope mine is a whopper, it has three weeks left to grow. My cabbage head is looking great too. I have two plants entered and I'm doing cut flowers again. Also new this year is antiques. I have a salt and pepper shaker and a Table Talk pie tin. The kids are doing culinary so they will get free passes.
Good news, Sarah was accepted for two weeks at Camp Scully. Karl just came back and he liked it. Its 5 days then two off and then 5 more for Sarah. Overnight camp. They have nurses on staff to help with the diabetes. All I need to pay is $70 and the rest is scholarship! She has diabetes camp in August also.
Rich wants to go to the summer house for a few days this month also. Its very quite and scenic there and just what I need I think. So I will leave you with a picture... Linda
