Almost Christmas

 Hooray, my least favorite time of the year.  This Christmas especially sucks because something is very wrong with my sister, Brenda.  She has a brain tumor or some type of malformation in her brain stem.  Not considered operable.  Her latest MRI also indicated lesions in parts of the brain.  Her Dr. is going to call her and discuss the results.

My kids are supposed to come over for dinner tomorrow, but I bet Travis will cancel.  He has anxiety about going places too, like me.

I did go to the grocery store yesterday.  It was packed and my anxiety was bad.  I almost left my cart and walked out.  I did manage to get the ham for tomorrow and a couple other items to fix with it.  I already have veggies.  I was going to fix a chicken, but to me that isn't very Christmassy and I already lost out on turkey for Thanksgiving.  I want ham, dammit!  

14 years!

 I just realized that I have been blogging here for 14 years!  That's a long time.  Not much new going on.  I quit Home Instead and I'm now a free lance pet sitter.  I've been enjoying it for the most part.  Most of my money seems to go to Niko but I have managed to put some away.  I have a few repeat clients and some new that are just starting.  I have a new client starting this Friday for a week.  They have 4 dogs and a cat.  The dogs really seem to like me and I like them as well.  The home is beautiful.  I won't be spending the night, but it isn't far away.  I am doing an overnight for 3 days at Thanksgiving.  Three really sweet small dogs.  One looks so much like my Buzzy dog.  I looked into his sweet little face and could see my Buzzy there.  This dog's name is Onyx.  

When I'm not doing that, I am mostly staying home.  I keep telling myself that I need to get out and exercise.  I really do.  I've been having increased back issues and I'm getting flabbier by the day with no muscle tone.  The upcoming pet sit is by the Indian Kill nature preserve, so I will get in there and go geocaching.  Last time I went there, I nearly passed out a couple times, my heart was acting up.  There are also several new caches at Anchor Diamond that is up the road a couple miles.  Tomorrow I have to go to Ballston Spa and sign a couple papers at the Veteran agency.  I also need to stop at Agway and get some bird seed.  I'm getting the cheaper kind because those darn sparrows just throw it all on the ground.  I'm hoping to get something besides sparrows this year.  I have had a Blue jay a couple times.  

I haven't posted a memory about my childhood in a while.  I will post something happy.  My Mom used to take us for a lot of nature walks when we were kids.  We lived in the middle of the country, so there were plenty of places to go!  We often walked up to the sand pit in the summer to pick blackberries. We would take a packed lunch with us. Mom would make jam from all the berries we picked during the year.  The sand pit has been a dumping ground for lazy people since I was little.  The state finally blocked the road, but I don't think they ever took out the trash.  We call it the sand pit because it is literally a sand dune in the forest.  I turned the area into an Earthcache and there is a physical cache there too that I should check on.  This area used to be the bottom of an ocean many millions of years ago.  There are many areas that have large deposits of sand still left from then.  There is certainly no shortage of sand for the town to use when treating the roads in the winter!  There is a large sand pit used by the town on Lake Desolation Rd and also one on Bockes Rd.  The sand heap on Bockes is interesting because in the spring, swallows dig nests into the sides of the pile and raise their young there.  

A bit of relief

 The veteran housing told me that I don't have to move, that I can stay here.  I like that idea, but then of course I feel guilty for not taking advantage of the section 8 program.  I am really not a big fan of it to begin with seeing as it puts me under the thumb of the housing authority.  People on section 8 get a bad reputation too.  Lazy, drug users, drunks, etc.. Worse than living in a mobile home, ha ha!

There is not much let up as far as anxiety.  My shrink gave me a two week notice to take off work.  More guilt.  I'm thinking about just retiring.  I'm not sure if that is a good idea or not.  I've been housebound for over a week now.  I want to go out and go fishing or something but my anxiety won't let me get there.  I have a million excuses.  My anxiety starts as soon as I wake up and goes until I go to bed.  Taking a zanax helps but I don't want to be drugged all the time.

I bought another inflatable kayak.  I haven't tried it out yet.  I'm thinking the seat is going to be an issue because it doesn't give me much support.  Maybe when I'm actually on the water it will feel better.  I would rather use my regular kayak.  I saw a video online on how to make some modifications to make it easier to get it on the car.  Another version of the blanket and slide.  I just have to get up the courage to just do it.  Tomorrow is supposed to be a nice day, so maybe I will just go!  I have to make sure I have two tie down straps first, or just take the inflatable.  

My brother is coming up for a visit soon.  He will be staying out at his daughter's place.  I hope him and I can go out on a couple adventures.  

My youngest adult child was in a short documentary in 2019 and it has been selected to be shown in the Lower Eastside Film festival in NYC in July!  I'm very excited for him.  I hope that he and his friends can go down for the premiere.  It would be awesome if it won an award too and went on to other film festivals.  He is going to visit his friend Cale in Boston this month.  Cale got an apartment.  I know Niko would like to move to Boston but with no job or car or income, it isn't likely. I know sometimes it is harder for kids to leave the nest.  

Niko's grandmother has cancer.  It is in her back somewhere.  She is going to get an MRI or something to see if it has spread.  She is in her 80's.  I don't know what will happen with Niko if she passes away.  More than likely, he will have to move somewhere else or move in with someone else.  He can't live here with me, unfortunately.  If he got a job we could get an apartment together.  I've been rambling, so I'm ending this post!

Another moving nightmare

 I have only been in this apartment less than a year and I'm already being pressured to leave.  My veteran counselor signed me up for section 8 without telling me.  So now I have this housing voucher and I have to try to find another place to live in 60 days.  I wasn't prepared for this.  I am so stressed out.  The housing situation around here is ridiculous.  Rents are so high in this county.  The lady upstairs is moving, maybe.  Don't really know what is going on with her.  So either the veteran's can take over that apartment or I can move up to it.  It is half the size of the one I have now.  I can make do, I don't need all this furniture or space but it is up a flight of very steep stairs.  It is just such a pain in the ass right now that I don't need.  My employer keeps pressuring me to pick up hours too.  I've been spending a lot of time just reading or being on my laptop.  My back is starting to act up too.  

I am seriously just considering leaving everything and just go live in my car like I had originally wanted to.  That will be harder too.  Dealing with address issues and such.  My depression and anxiety is not helping at all.  I just want to be left alone.

Fern fairy ring

 Niko just found this fern fairy ring growing in his backyard!

Unexpected road trip!

 March featured an unexpected trip down to Louisiana.  Mom hasn't been feeling well.  On the drive down, I visited Puxatawny, PA and saw Phil and Phyllis the groundhogs!  I also inadvertently drove right through downtown Pittsburg!  That was an adventure.  One I don't care to repeat anytime soon!  I also finally drove through Ohio!  I drove south along the Ohio river and down into Kentucky before heading south following the Natchez Trace Parkway briefly.  

Mom and Papa were very happy I was there to help.  I had a nice visit for 10 days, but anxiety and increasing issues with my misophonia had me leaving.  Mom was feeling better at this time.  I went up to Shreveport to see my brother for a day.  We took his boat out on Wallace Lake.  I got to see numerous examples of Bald Cypress trees.  We fished without success.  The water was high, so all the fish were probably in the trees where the boats couldn't reach. Not literally in the trees, haha!  

I also on the way home, detoured briefly into Oklahoma to see the Red Slough wildlife management area.  It wasn't very impressive!  I did see one seriously huge dead frog however.  I headed home up through Arkansas and drove through Illinois and Indiana for the first time as well.  So 4 new states visited and geocaches found in all.

I was glad when I finally made it home.  The trip was long and exhausting and expensive!  I think next time, I'm going to fly.  So all together, I drove in 15 different states.  The car drove like a champ for most of the trip except for an issue with the windshield wipers during a nasty storm in Arkansas.  A really nice young man in WV helped me repair them before hitting more rain.  

A lot of new geocaches have been published locally, so I am going to try very hard to get out and grab them.  I ran into a local geocacher, Zamboni59.  He was very pleasant.  

I'm lucky because I get to experience two springs this year!  It was in full swing in the southern states and as I drove north, it progressed back into early spring.  Wildflowers are just starting to poke their heads up out in the local woods.  I think I'm going to try and construct a black backdrop to set up for photography reasons.  Sometimes my camera wants to focus on anything besides the actual flowers! I think I can make one very inexpensively with a piece of black construction paper and some sticks.  

I want to kayak this year, so I am going to get up the willpower to get my kayak up on my car.  I'm sure my neighbor would be happy to help me if I need it.  I'm thinking about trading the car in for a small pickup or an SUV.  I think a pickup would be more practical.  It can haul toys and double as a camper if I get a camper top for it.  

Enough rambling for now.  2/15/22 update.  I only went kayaking once and I bought another inflatable kayak which I haven't used yet.

Talked with counselor

 I finally got hold of my veteran counselor.  I am most certainly NOT getting evicted and I can also take as much vacation time as I want away from the apartment.  I just need to let them know I'm gone so they can keep an eye on it for me.  

Now I have to see if I can get some time off of work.  It shouldn't be a problem if I ask for a leave of absence.  Then I can plan a trip!  

I was looking at buying a more durable tent as the one that I have is a cheap piece of crap.  I'm thinking along the line of a Big Agnes or even a canvas tent.  Something roomy that won't leak.  

It's really nice out today, but every time I think about doing something I get anxious or feel tired.  That's ok.  It will be getting even nicer soon and I can get out of this slump that I'm in.  I'm driving to Albany on Sunday, so that's getting out!  Maybe if the weather is nice, I can go to a park or do some geocaching.  

Chill out, Linda!

 I just finally realized how crazy my thinking is.  I know I have cabin fever.  Spring will be here soon and I can start planning trips.  I don't need to "run away".  2/15/22 Wow, this seems to be an annual problem!

March 2021

 I didn't make a post in February.  Not much happened.  I got my first Covid vaccine.  Next one is this coming Sunday.  My Mom had her birthday on the 18th but she was very sick and ended up going to the hospital.  The South was in the middle of a series of snow and ice storms.  Roads were impassable.  

My anxiety and depression is really ramping up.  The urge to flee is in me again.  Feeling trapped by this apartment.  Wondering if I can travel freely while living here.  Wondering how I can continue justifying "needing" to live here when I feel like there are other people with more need than I.  I don't feel deserving enough.  I don't feel I meet the criteria, except for income.  I am independent and except for affordable housing, I can get by without help.  

This insecurity leads to continued bad dreams.  Usually being trapped with an ex again and unable to get rid of him or get away.  He is usually a mix of Dave and Rich.  Mostly looking like Rich except acting like Dave.  The dream I had last night was bad.  He was in my house and refused to leave.  I finally succeeded in getting him out, but he took everything out of the house.  Then he was trying to force his way back in and was physically attacking me.  I was trying to lock myself inside a vehicle, but he either had a key or was forcing the doors open.  

I guess I don't feel safe and "home" living in this apartment.  I'm dreaming of traveling again.  I just want to have the freedom to come and go as I please.  Maybe I will just have to get a good tent and hit the road.  I'm hoping that once it warms up and I can get out and hike and try camping, this urge will leave me.  I am trying to get hold of my VCHC counselor to talk to her about my worries.   2/15/22 I still have the nightmares, but I am always glad to wake up here.  I still have some anxiety when I hear strange noises at night.  I keep thinking someone is trying to break in.  It seems a lot of the same issues are plaguing me this year.

Mid January... how did that happen?

 I can't believe it is mid January already!  This week is inauguration day for President elect Biden and VP elect Kamala Harris.  A female VP!  Protests are being planned around the country as far right wing groups want to stage a Civil War 2.  For what, I have no idea.  I guess their fragile whiteness is being threatened.  President Trump has been impeached for the 2nd time, making history for something at least.  His followers think he is the best president this country has ever had.  Ha!  

Last week, I had a shift up near the Wilton mall at a new senior housing complex called The Summit.  It was a long 5 hours.  Easy, but long!  I think I'll look for something a little closer to home.  I also had my Tuesday shift at Coburg with my regular client.

The vaccine rollout of Covid in NY state is ridiculous.  It seems that millions are eligible but there aren't enough vaccines to go around.  I saw on the news how nurses in Alaska drove snowmobiles to reach people in remote villages.  I'm thinking that it is ironic how they can manage to do that, but can't get vaccines to people who live in regular cities and towns.  I'm not saying those people don't deserve it, but come on!

I got two geocaches this week, easy ones.  I went for a third but found out it is in a tunnel with a creek running through it!  It's a bit to cold for that!  Maybe if I put my waders on!  It is a CDParker cache so that explains a lot.  

We had some snow the last couple days and my car had a strange phenomenon happen to it.  The windshield developed a "snow roll".  Here are some pictures of it.

Seditious Conspiracy

 To me, this countries government seems very close to collapsing.  On January 6, a group of Trump supporters, encouraged by Trump and other political figures, stormed the Capital building in attempt to overthrow the election results.  Threats were made on the lives of lawmakers including the Vice President and the Speaker of the House.  You would think that the President would have been immediately removed from office.  Reports have come out that he was gleeful when watching rioters attack the Capitol.  Yet he still sits in the Oval office.  What kind of politicians do we have in this country that would rather see a mad man at the helm and back him in order to maintain their own positions and status?  This is not America.  This is not making "Making America Great Again", this is Sedition.  Today Trump was allowed to board Air Force One and fly to Texas to see his "wall" and to make a speech declaring that he bears no responsibility for what happened and that the speech he gave to the mob of supporters in DC was appropriate.  I don't think this country has been so low since the Civil War.  I'm just disgusted.

Happy New Year!

 So glad 2020 is over.  What a year.  Such upheaval in this country and the world.  A global pandemic, a corrupt government, a failed president.  

I am fully recovered from the tree on the house incident.  I do still have bad dreams about being stuck inside a really run down old mobile home and I think my apartment was just a dream.  I am still in my apartment and happily so.

Winter is upon us and I hope it goes by quickly.  It was ushered in with a first storm with 3 feet of snowfall!  Just flurries on and off since then. I am not a big fan of winter.  I don't like being cold.

A bit of issues with work.  I took on a couple for clients who are just plain old strange.  The wife is a heavy smoker and after the first day of being with her chain smoking, I told the office.  They told her she can't smoke when I'm there.  She is also on oxygen!  Anyhow, I've asked the office to see if they can find someone else to take them.  The hours are 8-1 and I despise getting up early!  There is another client living in Coburg village that I have started with.  I like her very much.  Office asked me to cover the couple next week and I agreed.  I know they like me and want me to stay, but the hours... I guess I can just suck it up.  It's only two days a week and not back to back.  They are only a few minutes away as well.  They have also told the office that they like me and want to keep me!

This year I want to travel.  Take a few weeks and go.  Camp out of my car as much as possible.  I would like to see the southwest.  I would also like to see the northwest.  This country needs to get it's act together and fight this pandemic!