March 2021

 I didn't make a post in February.  Not much happened.  I got my first Covid vaccine.  Next one is this coming Sunday.  My Mom had her birthday on the 18th but she was very sick and ended up going to the hospital.  The South was in the middle of a series of snow and ice storms.  Roads were impassable.  

My anxiety and depression is really ramping up.  The urge to flee is in me again.  Feeling trapped by this apartment.  Wondering if I can travel freely while living here.  Wondering how I can continue justifying "needing" to live here when I feel like there are other people with more need than I.  I don't feel deserving enough.  I don't feel I meet the criteria, except for income.  I am independent and except for affordable housing, I can get by without help.  

This insecurity leads to continued bad dreams.  Usually being trapped with an ex again and unable to get rid of him or get away.  He is usually a mix of Dave and Rich.  Mostly looking like Rich except acting like Dave.  The dream I had last night was bad.  He was in my house and refused to leave.  I finally succeeded in getting him out, but he took everything out of the house.  Then he was trying to force his way back in and was physically attacking me.  I was trying to lock myself inside a vehicle, but he either had a key or was forcing the doors open.  

I guess I don't feel safe and "home" living in this apartment.  I'm dreaming of traveling again.  I just want to have the freedom to come and go as I please.  Maybe I will just have to get a good tent and hit the road.  I'm hoping that once it warms up and I can get out and hike and try camping, this urge will leave me.  I am trying to get hold of my VCHC counselor to talk to her about my worries.   2/15/22 I still have the nightmares, but I am always glad to wake up here.  I still have some anxiety when I hear strange noises at night.  I keep thinking someone is trying to break in.  It seems a lot of the same issues are plaguing me this year.