Bad habit rearing it's ugly head

My bad habit of obsessing is trying to take me over again.  I was stupid and put an ad on Craigslist to find someone to do things with.  One person that intrigues me is named Bruce.  Unfortunately, I am now obsessing over him.  Constantly checking my email and fretting when he doesn't answer me.  I hate that side of me and I need to stop.
So far, this fall has been boring.  I have mostly stayed home and haven't been out hiking or doing anything really since I went to the coast with Travis.  The cold weather is coming.
I need to get under the house and see if I can find that spot where the hole is in the ducts.  Also see if I can reach the water pipes going to the bathroom so I can put heat tape on them.  
It's going to be a nice day and I don't want to waste it.

I had a dream this morning that was so intense.  I was married to a man and he was abducted by an evil race of beings that lived underground and they were using him for experiments or something.  I went and rescued him and when I got him home this love I felt for him was so intense.  I can't even describe it but when I woke up I felt as if I lost someone.  It really hurt and upsets me.  I have never felt love like that for a man.  I know I will get over

A trip to Maine and Massachussets.

A couple weeks ago, my son and I went on a trip to the east coast.  We stayed in Wells, ME and visited Ogunquit and then went down the coast to Gloucester for a few hours.  
Ogunquit was beautiful.  We walked the Marginal Way up and back.  Took a trip on a boat to see how lobsters are caught and watched the surf pound the rocks.
We must have walked about 7 miles that day.  I was exhausted and could barely move!  We walked a little more in Gloucester.  That is a nice little town, I really enjoyed it.  We took a ride around the harbor and saw the Wicked Tuna boats and some of the places from The Perfect Storm.  
Since I've been back however, I've been struggling with depression. Not wanting to leave the house, feeling guilty about it.  Forcing myself to go do things.  I feel like I'm just wasting my life away, staring out the window, wishing I could just GO.  I had six days off and did nothing.  Thought I met someone nice online and he turned out to be a jerk just like the rest of them. 
I feel critically damaged.  There is something about me that drives people away.  Or I drive them away.  I feel like my life is a charade. People always say how brave I am and think I'm cool for going out and doing all these things.  I'm not brave or cool, I'm a con artist. A clown hiding behind a mask.  I'm damaged goods.  All the pep talks in the world can't change my mind.  I'm like that lady in the depression medication commercial who hides behind the smiley face.  I will call next tomorrow and make an appointment to see my counselor.  I see Dr. G next week.  It's so beautiful outside, the trees are so pretty.  I'm sitting inside.  
I impulsively went to the animal shelter and got a guinea pig.  She is cute, her name in Cinnamon.  I am going outside now to pick her some clover and grass.   

Deep thoughts

Today I was looking at the FB page of a boy I went to school with.  I had a big crush on him in Jr. high.  It looks like he did very well in life.  College degree, great job, beautiful wife.  Right now he is on a luxury vacation tour in Tanzania, Africa.  
It makes me wonder how some people from the same peer group are so successful in life and others just flounder?  I realize that family wealth and success have a lot to do with it.  So does hard work and good choices in life.  Some is just plain luck.  
I think about how I grew up and the choices I made as an adult that led me to where I am today.  It is all a matter of perspective I suppose.  To millions of people on earth, I am considered a "wealthy" woman.  To other millions, I am considered poor and a "leech" on society. 
After the debacle with Rich and my unsuccessful bid to break free, I am back to where I started.  I want comfort and security, but I also want to break from this tedious life that I live.  Maybe I should just sell the house for a couple thousand and be done with it!  No more rent, electric and cable bills, no more propane bills, just me, my car and a tent.  

Give me a brake!

I got the brakes done, cost $400!  Ouch!

Fuck, fuck, fuck

That has been the refrain in my head for the last few days.  I'm depressed.  Being trapped at home with no money and a car that needs repairs is not fun.  I'm taking the car to the garage tomorrow.  Using a credit card to pay for it.  Once I get my Social security and my first paycheck from work, things will be looking better.  I still have to work out my budget for the month, but I should have a little extra to get out and do things!  I can get a fishing pole and a license and take my kayak out.  Go do some camping and exploring.  
My niece is still be a judgmental bitch, so let her.  I'm not apologizing, I don't owe her anything.  I have a right to make decisions in my life, if I'm not dancing to her tune and she is pissed, oh well.
I am going to get off my ass and go to the grocery store.  I don't want to, but I need something for dinner.  I don't think I can handle more of my homemade hamburger helper.  I'm not a fan of ground beef to begin with, unless it is meatloaf or meatballs.  One of the things about my depression is that I would rather go without than have to go to the store.  I have food, but I guess I'm just tired of having to eat, if that makes any sense. 

Issues

I have a tendency to say yes to things without really thinking it through and because I want to be nice.  
So anyhow, there is a family friend who I dated briefly a very long time ago.  He has mental issues and is considered disabled.  Recently he was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer.  I wanted to show him support so I have visited him and talked to him online.  He likes to say love you, so I said it back, as a friend. 
So the other day, he found out that I might be camping with my niece and he asked if he could sleep with me.  I thought he meant in the camper, but he literally wanted to sleep in the same bed with me, just to cuddle.  I was thinking at first that it might be nice for him because he is very sick and might like a little affection.  I said yes, but then the more I thought about it, knowing his history and ways, I told him I changed my mind because I felt uncomfortable about it.  He didn't take that well, saying, "but it's me".  I told him that I have learned that I need to say no and stand up for myself if things don't feel right, so it's no.  
He copped an attitude.  So then yesterday, every time I posted something online, he would leave some snarky comment about how I made him feel uncomfortable and how I said "I loved him" etc... 
I responded in a brief way and kept it simple.  He kept it up and was commenting on everything I posted.  My online friends were starting to notice, so I deleted his comments.  They kept continuing so I just blocked him.  
I feel a little guilty, I guess in a way because maybe I should be feeling sorry for him because he has cancer and is going through treatment, but then I thought, that is no excuse for bad behavior.  When I had cancer and was going through treatment I didn't act like that.  So, if he wants to label me as a bitch, so be it.  I don't owe him anything.

Back to Square one!

Back to square one... that is where I am.  I feel like the last few months have been an exercise in futility.  I do have to say however, that I have learned a couple good lessons!
Don't trust Rich again and be thankful for what you have.  
I went to another Workaway, this time to Little Valley, NY to work at a horse ranch.  For the most part I liked it, but the work was exhausting and not shared equally.  I was responsible for all the feeding and cleaning of stalls, alone.  The man there was a nitpicker and was quick to blame me for things he felt were wrong.  One time, he wasn't happy with the way a gate was shut after a horse was put up.  He was lecturing me on the "right way" to close that gate until I told him that I wasn't the one who put that horse away and I knew how to close the gate.  He didn't even apologize.  I only stayed two weeks and that was more than I could handle.  Smashed my hand pretty good in a stall door too! 

Well, after I came home, I realized that Rich had moved out.  He said he had a job in Glens Falls.  I never heard a peep from him after that even though I messaged him about mail he has here, etc..  took me a couple weeks to find out that he had moved back in with his "mistress".  So after all I did for him, he just takes off without even a thanks for everything, see ya later.  Fuck him, never again.  If I found him on the street in a leaky cardboard box, I wouldn't even give him a new box.  He is nothing but a user and a loser.
I ended up going back to work at Home Instead.  I need work done on my car, brakes and probably more.  
I really don't want to spend another winter in this house, but if I sell it now, I can't work and live out of my car, I would have to start traveling.  Well, technically I could, but up here it isn't very practical and when winter comes, it would be too cold.

Angry again

I am starting to feel angry and resentful again. How could I have let myself get trapped in this situation again?
I should never have come back to NY.  I want to pack up and leave again.  I can't live with him, I just can't.  I don't like feeling that I am responsible for him.  I'm not.  He is either going to have to deal with being here alone or leave.  
I can't do it.  I just can't.  
The weather isn't helping either.  If it isn't freezing, it's raining. Will spring ever come?  I have to figure out what I'm going to do with this house.  Either he takes it or I sell it.  
He has been talking about traveling with me.  Oh God, I can't even imagine.  
Maybe I should tell him he has to find another place to live and just use this as my "home base" for travel.  I will have to rehome the cats though.  Glad I am seeing my counselor in a couple days.

I tried

I tried, I really did.  I just can't do it.  I left and got dragged back.  I can't stay here and babysit a grown ass man.  I don't care if he is my husband.  We had been split up for 5 years.  I can't live with him.  He makes my skin crawl.  His voice, his mannerisms, everything.  My misophonia goes into overdrive around him.  I can hear him eating from my room, with the door shut.  He clanks his utensils on the dishes.  Clink, clink, clink.  I want to scream.  I am feeling trapped again.  I can't live like this.  Either he goes, or I go, I can't do this.  
He is talking about traveling with me.  I think I would fucking go insane.  

A lot to update

I have a lot to write about, but this entry is going to be short and sweet.
I have been trying to rekindle my relationship with my husband.  He has moved back in.  We started sleeping in the same bed the other night.  I have been exhausted!  He is a bed hog.  Not his fault of course, but a different alternative is going to have to be found.
Also, he seems to be stuck in the "mooching" phase.  Something he has always done.  Always trying to get something from others.  Right now he is down at social services trying to get food stamps after I told him that we probably won't qualify.  I'm going to have to take control of our finances so we don't end up in the same position we were in before.  Credit maxed out and unable to make the payments.  Need to work out the budget for April and stick to it!

A quick poem

I'm no poet, but this came to me today.

The Trooper
I remember that cold night,
When I shot that young man down,
I can see it so clearly, I thought with a frown.
When asked to empty his pockets,
I thought he reached for a knife,
Sadly for him, I feared for my life.
For in his pocket, so close and so handy,
In his dying hand I saw, he held a bag of candy.

Linda Wheeler

Snow

We got a nice coating of snow overnight.  This winter has not been very conducive for snow!  Hey that is a big word.. lol.  I remember in my youth, before all this global warming crap, we would get real winters!  At least 4 feet of snow on the ground, that stayed until spring.  A big snow would always excite us because we hoped to get the day off school.  Unfortunately, living in the North East and having bus drivers that probably train in Antarctica, school doesn't close often up here.  One year, our bus did slide off the road into a ditch.  I guess my stepfather was working for the county at the time, because he happened across the bus while plowing and got us out.  Maybe he just had a truck, I don't know.  All I remember is being on the bus in the ditch and seeing him coming to help.  I remember bragging to the other kids that he was my stepfather.  I must have still been in the hero worship phase back then!  
As we got older, snow wasn't so much fun.  As soon as breakfast was over, we got bundled up and headed out to shovel snow.  The asshole had a plow, but he would sit in the house, nice and warm while he had his little army of slaves shoveling.  We shoveled all day.  We shoveled paths, driveways, in front of the garage and cellar.  He said he needed all this done, in case he decided to walk somewhere.  We had learned at that stage that there was no refusal.  We dared not back talk or whine like todays kids.  That would have earned us a nice, hard spanking.  
We did get to play in the snow at times.  We had those cheap little plastic sleds that look like sheets.  We had a saucer once in a while and also an old toboggan that we didn't use much.  We would make snow angels and snowmen.  One year, my sister built me into a snowman.  I'll have a photo, but can't find it right now.

Telling my life story

Reading a friend's blog has given me the courage to begin writing about my own life.  Things won't be in order of occurrence, just as I remember them.  
I did not have an easy childhood and it shaped my  life as an adult and still effects me today.  I grew up introverted, shy and fearful.  I made a lot of bad choices with men that I believe can be traced to longing for a father figure or someone to show me attention and love.  
I was born to a poor couple.  My sister is 2 1/2 years older than I am.  When I was born, we were living in what was basically a shack in the rural countryside.  My mother will tell me stories about how there was no running water, and an extension cord running to the neighbors house to run one light bulb.  I remember when my father dug our well.  I can remember looking down into the very deep hole.  Someone has a photo of my sister in the hole with my Dad.  
I don't remember much about living there.  I remember playing with the boy next door with my sister.  We had a cat named Luggy, short for "Lug-nuts"!  He was a large, black and white cat.  I remember one time, us children must have really been putting my Mom through the wringer because she sent us to our room with the "wait till your father gets home" warning.  I remember waiting and the dread of it.  Dad had us all come out in order of age for a spanking.  I don't remember the actual spanking much though.  
My parents divorced when I was probably 4.  I remember us moving into a man's house.  His name was Richard M.  We called him Dick.  Turned out to be an appropriate name!  
My Mom said Dad was having an affair with Dick's wife, Jane and was wanting to move her into our house!  She wasn't haven't that so she left.  Having no skills, no car and no place to go, we moved in with Dick.  So basically it was a real life Wife Swap.  I don't think there were social service programs back then for single parents, so my Mom did what she felt was the best thing.  
The housing situation wasn't much improved.  We lived in an old metal trailer with an addition on it.  The addition was the living room and adult bedroom upstairs.  
I remember the day my Mom married Dick.  We were at home waiting for them to get back and my Aunt (I think) had set up a surprise party.  I remember hiding and jumping out, yelling "Surprise"!  
Dick was fun when we first moved in.  I remember one morning it had snowed overnight.  When we got up, he grabbed us, still in our pajamas and was pretending he was going to throw us out into the snow!  
I don't remember when he changed.  He became like a dictator and would punish us severely for any infraction.  He used mental torture as well as physical.  I will get into that later on.
My Mom felt trapped there with us.  She hated seeing us being treated so badly, but she felt like there was no other recourse.  No place to go.  
This new house was on four acres of land.  It had a stream running through the back yard and woods beyond that.  There was a large open area covering most of the property.  There was a garage and a sawmill.  I don't remember if the sawmill was already on the property or if it was built later.  
I grew up as a child of nature.  I loved to explore and examine life in all it's forms.  Insects, worms, birds, chipmunks, flowers, trees, etc..  Being in the woods was a sense of escape for me.  We could hide from the all seeing eye of Dick while in the woods.  
I learned to fish in a rudimentary way in the creek out back.  It held native Brook trout and while small, they were fun to catch.  My method involved waiting for a bite and then yanking up and over.  If I did catch a fish, it sometimes would end up in a tree!  
There was one part of the stream that had a large rock and a log as a bridge.  I would lay there and watch the trout.  They had a big pool there and the large trout would congregate.  I would put my hand in the water and ever so slowly move it up to where the fish were.  I could gently touch the trout after a while, if my hand didn't go numb first from the freezing water.
Anyhow, I think writing about my life will be lengthy.  I may arrange it by subject instead of historically.  I can give an estimate of my age when these things happened.  This photo was taken at Dick's house when I was little.  I think I may have been 4 or 5.  First row seated is me on the left, my cousin, Angie and then my brother, Richie.
Back row is cousin Beth, my sister, Brenda, cousin Barbara, Cousin Kathy, and cousin John.  

Happy 2019

2019 is here and I'm wondering if this year will be a boring repeat of last year.  I've been tossing around the idea of becoming a Workaway volunteer.  Basically it involves staying with people and helping them out with various projects and getting a free place to stay.  It usually involves free meals as well.  Most places ask for 20-25 hours of work a week, but it appears that may be the minimum at some places.  If there is work to be done, you are probably expected to help out.  With my back, I don't know if that is feasible.  Most workaway volunteers seem to be young, healthy college age kids.  I may have a solution for the house while I am gone (if), but it can be a double edged sword.  Rich (my husband), is in rehab at Conifer Park and will be getting out soon with no prospective place to live.  I tried having him back a couple months ago and I was ready to pull my hair out.  I think a lot of that was the fact that I felt I had to try and reestablish our relationship and entertain him while he was here.  If he comes back, I will keep it as a room-mate situation.  He will need to respect my solitude.  I also will have to get him off my bank account for good.  Another issue is the fact that he will not be able to pay all the bills for the house, if he wants to keep the nice things like internet.  He also does not have a vehicle and will be stranded if I leave with the car.  So, I may end up having to contribute to the household bills even when I am not there.  I don't have a problem with that, considering he is "holding my spot".  Of course, he might decline the invitation all together.  
The idea I have come up with is scary but exciting at the same time.  I fear the income loss with my job and the medical issues that may come up while I am gone.  I also fear having to come back and being stuck with Rich!  I think I would rather just give him the house and live in my car!

I can no longer ignore the bowel issues I have been dealing with.  A trip to the ER confirmed that fact.  They could find nothing wrong, but I am thinking it is intestinal related.  My pancreatic enzymes are still low, but for some reason, my Dr. office seems to think that is ok.  I think some of my issues are related to my body not being able to metabolize certain foods.  It is rebelling!  

My crocheting has been coming along nicely.  I can make a decent hat now.  I made a store on Etsy, but without being a known seller, I think it will be difficult to get established on there.  Novelty hats seem to be quite popular, so I need to learn how to make those.
Not much else going on in my life at the moment.  I am either at a crossroads, or stuck in a rut.