Anxiety out of control

 I feel like I am on the edge of a nervous breakdown.  My depression must be bad and my anxieties are out of control.  I can't bear to leave the house and having to work tomorrow is making me sick to my stomach.  I've been getting my groceries delivered and washing my clothes in the sink.  All I want to do is sleep.  I am tired of living.  I don't want to die, I just wish I could sleep and not wake up and have to "life".  I have no explanation for why I feel this way, I just do.  

My Mom called me this morning and all she did was go on and on about her diabetes and food.  I just wanted to scream.  I know I should be grateful that I have a Mom to talk to and that someday I won't.  I think I might take a zanax and see if I can chill.

Sorry for the rant.  I know people read my blog, but no one comments.  I know you are out there however!

I guess I was feeling pretty paranoid yesterday.  I'm feeling better today.  I did get the car fixed over at O'Reilly's.  A guy came out and put in a new bulb for me.  Never did hear back from the veteran counselor.  I'm sure he has more things to worry about that me.  I was positive that I was going to go out and do something today and I haven't.  I feel light headed and spacey today.  I have found that these symptoms can be a sign of withdrawal from my zanax if I haven't taken it in a couple days.  I only use it to help me sleep and I can't remember if I took it last night or not.  I took 1/2 pill to see if it will help me feel a little "normal".  

All I have done so far today is hand wash some clothes and rig up a drying line on the porch.  I need to get some winter clothing.  I didn't bring any sweatshirts or long sleeve shirts from my last house.  I did bring a couple sweaters though. 

 My new birdfeeder pole came in the mail.  I plan on setting it up in front of my picture window and then turning the couch around so I can just sit there and watch the birds.  It might look strange, but that's ok!  It is my apartment and I can arrange the furniture how I want to!  I just hope I get more birds than just sparrows and black birds.  My hummingbirds have moved on.  I have the feeder out still but I will probably take it down soon.   

Bad feeling

 I have a bad feeling that I'm going to get kicked out of the veteran program.  I think that they are regretting giving me this apartment and that they feel like there are people who are more deserving or qualifying.  The whole point of the program is to become self sufficient and I feel like they probably think I am.  I am pretty self sufficient, but I can't afford an apartment on my own with the income I have.  Maybe I'm just being paranoid.  I'm going to call my counselor at the program tomorrow and discuss it with him. He called today and I told him I was working three days a week and he seemed alarmed over it and wanted to know how much money I was making.  I told him that I am normally scheduled to work two and I just picked up a couple days.  It is bad enough that I'm being hounded daily by Home Instead to pick up extra shifts.  Then when I'm not working I am feeling guilty because I'm not getting stuff done and not going out and being more active.  Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow after I talk to my veteran counselor.   

September

 For the past couple weeks, I have been feeling depressed and anxious. I think the novelty of my new place has worn off and now that I'm settling into a routine, the agoraphobia kicks in.  Just trying to decide what to eat each day is a challenge especially because I am conscious of my weight and need to eat more healthy food.  I have been working 3 days a week because work keeps asking me to pick up time.  I mind but I don't mind either.  My client is pleasant and easy.  Mostly pleasant, she got a little snippy about her tea yesterday.  I just brushed it off.  I know she wasn't feeling good.  

I am beating myself up because I am not going out on my days off and enjoying the nice weather.  The leaves are beginning to change color on the trees.  I haven't used my kayak this year and I may just sell it.  If I had an easier way to transport it, I might keep it.  I should just invest in a roof rack.   

I've also been very upset about the current state of affairs in the country.  Each day is more horrible news about Trump and his massive fucking over of our country.  Of course he blames it all on the Democrats and thinks he is going to fix it if he is elected again.  If he can't fix it now, then why does he think he will be able to fix it later?  Everyone seems so filled with hate toward one another.  Social media is out of control and I think it contributes a lot to my depression.  I need to try and limit my exposure and concentrate on other things.  

I am thinking about taking two or three days and going up to the Burlington area.  I found out there is an Air National Guard base up there and they have the new F-35 stealth planes!  I would love to watch them fly.  I've been reading that they have been very controversial because of the noise they create, especially over the town of Winooski.  There is some good geocaching up there too.  

I was planning on maybe going this week, but of course I had to agree to work Saturday and now Monday as well!  I told her no more after that for the week.  So I hope the weather is good and I can go on a little road trip, alone! Ohio will probably have to wait until next year because of the quarantine.  Speaking of which, people in this country need to stop being so fucking selfish and just follow the protocols so we can get rid of this virus.  Instead people make it political and say it is a "violation" of their rights.  What bullshit.  Your "rights" don't include exposing other people to illness and possible death. This country should have been done with the virus if the government just listened to the CDC to begin with.  Fuckers.  Yes, I'm swearing a lot today.  

Enough bitching for now.

August

 August has been a pretty quiet month so far.  My birthday has come and gone leaving me one year older.  Travis wanted to go to a meadery in VT so he could get mead for his birthday.  So I turned it into an overnight trip and Niko went too.  The drive up was pleasant.  We stopped at Split Rock falls so I could show it to them.  It was more beautiful than I remember, the lower pool appearing emerald green.  I'm hoping that it isn't algae growth from so many people.  We stopped in Westport on Lake Champlain for lunch, which turned out to be outrageously expensive.  We stayed overnight in Plattsburg and I grabbed a couple geocaches there.  We drove north past Chazy to cross the lake into VT.  We then went to the Missisquoi Wildlife refuge.  Travis took the one mile loop trail around while Niko waited in the car.  On to St. Albans where we found out that the meadery wasn't open.  We ended up going to a beverage center to get the mead Travis wanted.  We then headed home, going over the Crown Point bridge on the way.  Overall it was a pretty boring trip.  I did enjoy seeing two Air Force planes on display near a military museum that was closed.  

Right at this moment, there is a beautiful double rainbow in the sky!

Red Tail hawk

I've suspected that there was a hawk hanging around.  I thought I caught a glimpse of something flying through the yard a few days ago.  The other evening, I was outside to look at the rabbits and chipmunks.  I went back in for something and through the kitchen window, I saw the brown thing swoop by again.  I went out and all the critters had disappeared.  I looked around and over on the roof of the house next door was a beautiful hawk.  It was quite large.  I took many photos while it patiently perched there.  I determined that it was an immature Red tail hawk.  I had seen one a couple months ago that had been killed by a vehicle and took photos of it.  I didn't know what it was because of the lack of red on the tail.  It turns out that these birds don't develop the red tail until they are adults.

So here it is, the neighborhood hawk.  

Comments

Hi, just wanted to ask folks who read my blog to leave a comment now and then!  I see that I have views, but no one leaves a comment.  I would love to see who is reading!  Linda

August!

It's my birth month!  I have always loved August.  I begin to feel a little melancholy toward the end however because of the approach of fall.  It will be my first winter in my new apartment, so maybe it won't be so bad!  I just hope the heat bill isn't too high.  

I had a small dispute with the neighbor upstairs.  It was stupid really.  I was trying to sleep one night and her grandkids were romping and stomping right up over my bedroom.  I got more and more upset and started knocking on the wall to no affect.  Finally I progressed to kicking the wall and banging loudly.  The noise stopped.  Well, the following night at midnight I was startled awake by someone banging loudly on the side of the house right outside my bedroom.  I went into hyper alert and was getting paranoid about someone vandalizing the loaner vehicle from Honda. It was the neighbor's daughter.  She left around 1 am.  The next morning, I went over and apologized to my neighbor because I didn't want to have this turn into a thing.  She took it well and we are now on good terms again.  I should have acted like an adult and just went over there to begin with.  

The car repairs cost me around $2200!  I hope nothing else breaks.  The service advisor told me to make an appointment to bring the car in before the warranty expires and they will do a check over of everything for free.  I thought that was nice.  She also said that it was a good thing that I bought the warranty because I got a lot of use out of it!  I have to agree with her on that.  

The business with the mobile home is almost finished.  I filed the last claim and it was approved.  I'm just waiting for the money to clear the bank and I will send the final check.  I considered disinterring my pets and moving them to a place where they will never be disturbed.  I'm just afraid that I will find rotting bodies.  Considering the sandy soil, I'm sure that just bones will be there.  This was the third mobile home I have lived in that has been removed.  I don't want to deal with mobile homes again!

Not much else to write about at this time.  Thanks for reading!

Fun day out with Niko

On Sunday, I picked up Niko and we went up to the upper Hudson north of Lake Luzerne to see if we could find a spot to swim.  The water was very shallow and the rocks were covered in a brownish slippery slime.  The water was nice and I floated around a bit.  Even got brave enough to take off my shirt!  After seeing the pictures my child took, I think I might get revision surgery to fix the right side.  It looks like a deflated tire.  

I hiked a bit with Travis a couple weeks ago.  We went over to Gray's crossing.  I was really amazed at the trail that had been put in along the Kaydeross.  There are some really nice trees out there.  I also hiked at Anchor Diamond and enjoyed the large, old growth locusts there.  

It has been a struggle still for me to get out and do things.  I have to force myself to go.  Wednesday afternoon my friends Jenn and Chuck and I might go up to Lake George for a few hours.  I know it will be enjoyable, I just have to make myself go!  I ended up not going.  Good ole agoraphobia!

It's finally gone

The old mobile home is gone.  I wasn't there to witness it's destruction, but I do want to go up and see if my pet's graves have been damaged.  It is hard to leave them behind and I almost want to exhume them and move their remains.  It sounds horribly creepy though.  I'm afraid of what I would find.  I guess it would be best just to remember that what is left is just the shell, my pet is not there.
The new apartment is good.  I'm settling in and making it my own.  I'm even getting into decorating, which is something I never really did.  I don't have kids or cats to knock things down now.  I finally got my A/C delivered and will install it today in my bedroom.  It is small but I'm hoping with the bedroom door open and fans redirecting the cold air, it will cool the entire apartment.  
Chippy, the chipmunk has been coming in still.  I've been told by a few people not to let him do that because if denied entry, he may become destructive.  I also have a hummingbird coming to my feeders now!  I was surprised that I even got one.  I had a cheap Walmart regular birdfeeder on a short hook that the landlord put out for me and the $%&*# squirrels destroyed it in days.  I will need a taller hook or get one that mounts on the side of the porch.  Also no plastic feeders!  
I have been slowly exploring some local parks and also just placed a new geocache.  This geocache should be fun for people because it involves going over to the ESAM museum and looking at the planes for clues to get the coordinates to the final.  I hid the final today and the spot I had preselected had some trash and someone's discarded lunch there.  Hoping the critters have cleaned that up by now!  
I had an appointment yesterday with Marcus, my "homeless" veteran counselor. We went over my budget and discussed what to do with my insurance money windfall.  We both agreed that it would be a good idea to pay off the car and credit cards.  I was thinking about buying a different vehicle that I can put my kayak on.  I'll have to see what the trade in value for the Buick is.  My car is in the garage getting some expensive work done on it.  I might just keep it and get a rack for the top for the kayak.  Marcus asked me if I would be interested in leasing, but I'm not to sure about that because of how much I drive.

Life changing

I'm surprised I haven't blogged since my life changing event!  We had a big storm at the end of May and it finally happened!  The big tree out back snapped and fell on my trailer!  It smashed in the roof right over the bedroom, seconds after I had left the room.  A tree fell on the house behind me (again) and cut right through it.  The large pine that was in the front yard also went down.  Later on it was confirmed that we were on the edge of a system that produced a small tornado.  
So... I stayed in a hotel for a couple weeks and then rented a room out near Charlton.  Big mistake.  The owner was a narcissistic bully and never had anything nice to say.  Always sarcastic and mean.  I moved out of there and have been in my new apartment in Burnt Hills.  I spent my first night last night.  I slept great!  New bed too.  The VHC in Bspa helped me get the apartment and got the bed as well.  That was one of the things that irked Gene.  He was shocked that I should get "so much stuff" because of only having served for four years.  One of my friends on FB succinctly put it, "what has he done for his country"?
The mobile home is scheduled to be torn down this week and I am still having a lot of anxiety about it, because I left it full of stuff.  I feel like I should clean it out and donate the contents but it is exhausting for me to get in there and do all that.  Plus there is a ton of trash.  I'm hoping to get in there before the demolition crew while there is a dumpster and clean out some stuff.  I'm really embarrassed about how filthy everything was.  I have made a pledge to keep this new apartment clean.  I have to, or face eviction.  So after each meal, I clean up.  I make my bed every day and I am trying to control clutter.  I didn't bring a lot with me here.  I need to avoid bringing in more junk.  I like my apartment, it is just the right size.  It does have a musty odor however.  I can burn some candles to fix that.  So about the location, I am right in the heart of Burnt Hills.  I am behind Mama's ice cream and Stewart's is across Rt. 50.  CVS is across Lake Hill rd and behind us is Dunkin Donuts!  I've been good and have only been there once!  
There is a small yard.  I have seen a few different species of birds and also we have baby bunnies!  The only thing that bothers me is the traffic.  It is loud and there are a lot of people with loud exhausts who like to rev their engines and take off fast so that it produces the most amount of noise.  We also have C-130 planes that fly over, but I love those!  At 5 PM the fire house siren goes off and it is right next door!  That is really loud!  
So, I am happy that I am finally out of that trailer and hoping that the rest of the business with that settles quickly.  I don't want that anchor around my neck any more.  

Holiday pissy mood

I have grown to hate holidays.  They have become meaningless, lonely days.  I am usually alone and rarely make an effort to celebrate.  I know a lot of this is due to depression.  Of course being in "lock down" isn't helping either.  
Today is Easter.  I always enjoyed that holiday as a kid and made sure my kids had a good Easter as well.  Now that they are grown and I'm alone with no social support or friends, I am lonely.  
Positive things... my daffodils are starting to bloom and my other perennials are coming up along with the dreaded mugwort.  The day started off sunny, but is now cloudy.  
I finished readying a good book yesterday.  It is called "The Lost Queen" by Signe Pike.  There will be a sequel coming out in the fall.  My reading selections recently haven't been exactly "classic literature".  I've been going thru an erotic romance phase with everything from aliens to supernatural beings.  So this previous book was a nice change.  I'm glad that I have Kindle unlimited.  I can read dozens of books for just a few dollars a month.  The Lost queen is on Kindle right now, but I read the paperback version.  
I transplanted my sweet potato vine into dirt today.  I will have to keep bringing it indoors at night until it is warm enough to leave it outside.  I think I might plant morning glory seeds in the porch planters this year.  I think they will look nice trailing down the side of the porch.  
I discovered that my lovely ex left some type of appliance on my patio covered with a tarp.  I don't know why, but I thought it was a grill until I peeked under it.  I think it is a washing machine. I know nothing about it.  I will ask Rich if it works and if not, I will have someone come and get it for scrap.
My new lawnmower is here and I assembled it.  I haven't tried it yet.  The grass is too short still.  I have to pick up more sticks in the yard as well.  I will have to clear out a spot for it in the shed so I don't ruin it like all the other mowers I have had.
Anyhow, I'm glad spring is here and I hope this stay at home thing stops soon.  I want to go for a road trip!   

Stepfather and the tooth brush

Yesterday I was brushing my teeth and had a memory from when I was little and we lived with the evil stepfather.  One of his obsessions was us brushing our teeth.  He hated the idea of having to pay for us to go to the dentist.
He would monitor our brushing based on how "used" our toothbrushes looked.  One day, we all had to show him our toothbrushes.  My sister's and brother's looked all mashed up and mine looked normal.  I think they chewed on theirs to obtain that affect but let me out of the loop.  I of course was punished because I "didn't brush enough".  
We had a Waterpic device as well that we had to use.  That was actually fun!

Stay at home!

NY state has been under a stay at home advisory.  No gathering in groups, etc...  I have been home nearly all week except for a trip to the grocery and yesterday did a little walk to look for spring flowers.  All my pictures came out awful, but I did see the Hepatica starting and Coltsfoot.  I might go over to the Skidmore North woods today and see what I can find.  I also might go to the Orra Phelps nature preserve, the snow trillium are blooming.  

I've been trying to get the yard cleaned up, but it is a slow process.  I ordered a new electric lawnmower!  I'm hoping it will be easier to deal with than the old gas mower.  It is smaller, but I think it will be easier to use and I can store it in the shed.  

My client's family is temporarily suspending service at this time due to the virus.  I can't blame them because the DIL works as a respiratory therapist and they have an elderly person at home.  
I'll have to see if there is any part time hours I can pick up. 

Yesterday, one of the neighbors had someone over with their car stereo on and the bass thumping away.  I hope that isn't something I am going to have to deal with on a regular basis.  If so, I'm going to have to say something.  

The day before that, some jackass was shooting a gun in the woods behind the park.  This went on for over an hour, non-stop except to reload.  I like shooting myself, but this just got aggravating!  

I seem to be bitching a lot as usual.  Today is my brother's birthday, he is 52.  My stepdad had a birthday yesterday.  I think he is 68.  

It's Corona time!

Here we are in the midst of a pandemic called the Corona virus, or the "Chinese" virus as our eloquent and racist president likes to call it.  Asshole.
We are all supposed to be practicing social distancing.  I did get some food stocked up and toilet paper.  Stores are running out of the most common items due to people hoarding. Toilet paper, bread, tuna fish and other canned meats.  I'm out of bread and the last time I went to the store, the shelves were empty.  
My agoraphobia is working overtime.  I really want to go out to Heather's house and work with the horses and visit, but my good old brain keeps making excuses.  I'm supposed to be practicing social distances anyway.  
My tulips and daffodils are starting to come up and we are getting a snow storm tomorrow with 4-8 inches predicted.  Oh joy!
We have a new park manager.  He seems really nice.  Italian and very NYC!  He was going around doing lot inspections.  I know I'll get dinged, but it shouldn't be much to fix up the issues.  I already know that they are.  

Febrrrruary

We have been having a pretty mild winter so far until a couple days ago.  We had an ice storm and it was topped off with a few inches of heavy snow.  My power didn't go out, but it was out for miles around me.  It is pretty cold this morning. About 10F.  I've been having my usual allergies and a bit of bronchitis and sinus issues.  
I've been getting nothing done.  The sink is piled high with dishes.  I need to go to the store again.  Maybe one of these days I will smarten up and get enough food to last for more than a few days.  
My neck is still sore.  I bought a new memory foam mattress and pillows, but the pillows are too fat!  They are really comfortable, but put my head up too high, which doesn't help the neck issue.  
My Mom's birthday is in 9 days.  I was originally planning on going down for a visit, but decided not to.  I will take a longer vacation in the spring when the weather is nicer and hopefully can do some more camping and sightseeing on the way down.  By then I won't have to worry about the pipes freezing or the house running out of propane, etc.. I will have to find someone willing to take care of my animals though.  I think my client's daughter would enjoy taking care of the guinea pigs.  She is a really sweet girl.
Not much else going on right now.  Oh I had a dream about the eye Dr. again.  I must have a secret crush on him or something.  I dreamt we were dating and he was going to leave his wife.  We were out in public together but he wanted me to pretend we weren't together.  I was getting very upset with his neglect and tried to walk home.  Of course obstacles were thrown in my way.  I think I was secretly hoping he would come after me.  He had offered me a ride home, but I wanted to show him my displeasure by saying no.  He had two of his male friends in the care and they were kind of laughing.  In real life, I think he is a nice guy and I probably did have a bit of a crush on him, but I would never dream of dating a married man.  I've met his wife and she is very nice.

Leaving the house-Kathy-Woodkid-temp blanket

Agoraphobia is still rearing it's ugly head.  I haven't been taking really good care of myself.  I put off shopping for food until I am completely out of options except maybe canned vegetables that are years old.  Once I go and get back I feel great, but the thought of leaving the house makes me feel so anxious.  I have so much to be grateful for, but I let myself be crippled by this.  One good thing about it is that I save money!
My cousin, Kathy is dying.  She has a rare form of early onset dementia and is now on hospice.  I cannot go and see her.  That side of the family is very insular and keeps a tight circle.  They have gone through so much in the last 20 years.  My cousin's wife, who I was really close to, Ginny died of breast cancer.  Then John, my cousin was diagnosed of brain cancer and has died.  His daughter was killed in an accident.  Both of my aunt's died on that side of the family, my uncle died and now my cousin Kathy is dying.  
Ok whining over.
I discovered a new artist that I like.  Woodkid.  The music is amazing and his vocals are magical.  He has been around for a few years, but I only just found him.  I was watching Nathan Chen's gold medal skate for the World championships and Woodkid was his selection of music.  
I'm working on a temperature blanket for the year.  I started it using what colors I had on hand.  Pinks, blues, white.  I'll have to get another color soon for below the teens and below zero! I'm going by the average day time temp for each day.  Not the highest or lowest.  
We got about 7 inches of snow Saturday night.  It is cold.  I need to shovel a path out to the bird feeders.  I've been making my own bird treats with peanut butter.  The birds like it a lot.  I'll have to remember to check the meat department to see if they have any beef suet.