Sunday, May 18, 2014

I really feel like an old shit

I am feeling pretty depressed today and have come to the sad realization that I truly have no one in my life.  Sure I have family, but no friends.  The only time anyone wants anything to do with me is if they want something.  The only one who calls me just to talk is my Mom and she lives 1500 miles away.  Even my daughter doesn't want to live here, she spends most of her time at her Grandmothers.  I might as well just give her the child support card because she is the one taking care of Sarah.  I just bring her to her appts.  The only time anyone wants anything to do with me is if I'm doing something for them.  I'm completely serious.  I give my time and money to Peaceful Acres and all I get is a thank you.  No one invites me to spend time with them except for the occasional party.  I even had to beg an invitation to my own nephews wedding because my sister was coming up.  
I feel like an old spinster.  I can't even get a date because I'm fat and have no tits and reek of desperation.  I'm not trying to play the woe is me song, I'm just stating the truth.  No one cares.  It really showed when I had cancer.  The only people to did anything was the church pastor brought over some food pantry items and one person I barely know brought a meal.  Now I might have cancer again.  Maybe I'm depressed because I'm scared.  I don't want to die.  I don't want to die like this.  I expected more out of life.  I want more out of life.  
 I can just imagine what it is going to be like when or if I am diagnosed with cancer.  I'll get all the usual sympathetic messages and oh I'm so sorry and you will beat this because you beat breast cancer.  Who will really be there for me?  Who will be there to take care of me?  No one.  I know if I am diagnosed the first thing I'm going to do is file for divorce because I'll be damned if Rich gets everything I own.  That fucker doesn't deserve a dime.  Next I will throw out anything potentially embarrassing in my house.  Ha!
I should just sell anything of value and put the money away for Sarah.  I don't know who is going to take care of her.  Her Grandmother has a bad heart.  My sister doesn't want the burden.  Travis is too young and immature.  Her father is a drunk.  Why am I even thinking about dating anyone?  Just those old bad habits of being desperate for love and validation.  I need to learn to give that to myself.  Fuck, I don't know.  Life sucks and then you die.  I guess that pretty much sums things up.


  1. *hugs* I understand your feelings of loneliness and isolation and I'm sorry that it's like that for you. I definitely understand not feeling adequate to date. Some of the repercussions of my back issues make things not quite like they're supposed to be and I'd never EVER want to be intimate because of that. I can't go out and do things and it's really hard to get people to come hang out with me here at the house. All that being said, I'm very blessed to have my parents living right upstairs fully supporting me. Try to look at this as just a season of life, not a life sentence. Do something every day that brings you joy -whether it's reading a good book or watching a show that you like or having a favorite meal. Fix your hair and makeup so that you feel beautiful. I find that it helps me to just write a positive or encouraging comment (like this, I hope!). I know that life sucks for you right now and I'm not trying to minimize it by encouraging these small things but they really do work for me. *hugs* Heather

  2. God bless. Something inside me just says "find one thing just for you". One thing that brings you joy. And make it the centerpiece of your life. In the meantime it will distract you. And down the road, it may lead to relationships with people you really have something in common with.

  3. I'm so sorry you are at this point in your life. Honestly, if it weren't for my husband, I would probably be in the same sort of situation except that my kids are grown. In my case, though, it's my own fault: I am a loner and shut people out. Then when I need them, of course they aren't there. Whether you feel it or not, God cares and loves you.

  4. Loneliness is a terrible thing, and particularly if there are people who should be around you to alleviate that. You sound terribly down, and although I'm not a regular blogreader here, I will say that everybody has their own, intrinsic value, whether they are physically attractive or not. Your beauty is on the inside. It is there. For we all have that, whatever we may look on the outside.


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