Grateful
It is funny how I complain so much about not having money but God always provided. We were down to our last dollar literally and been eating nothing but pasta, chicken from the food pantry and cereal. Yesterday our neighbor Rick has Rich help him with some work and Rich has been dog sitting for him, so he gave him $30. He was able to go out and get some food to last us until Tuesday.
It doesn't mean that I like being broke.. not at all. I would love to be able to feel secure with food and paying the bills etc.. I want to be able to treat my kids to something once in a while. I told my husband about a couple night janitorial positions I saw in the online ads and he turned it down. Oh they don't pay much.. I told him it was better than nothing!
He doesn't want to do manual labor or take an entry level position. I put a couple ads on Craigslist to do elder care or infant care and horse/pet care. I got one response from a guy who wants someone to do housekeeping. Now I hate cleaning, but if it is not some creepo and the job is fairly easy I might do it. With my luck he will want a naked housekeeper! LOL.. not my cup of tea!
We are expecting rain today getting heavier over the weekend and possible some snow. That is disappointing but we do need rain. I finally remembered what I planted out in the garden this fall. Allium! I have always wanted some of those. They are budding already too.
This is what they should look like:
I have smaller ones that look a little like that but are chives. I took this picture today of a honeybee on a dandelion, I think I'll get a print and frame it for the fair this year.
Anyhow that is all the news I have.. I'm not feeling so angry now. I realize I'm hard on Rich and I need to be thankful for what I have. It is hard however to live with a man who won't get a job.
You know, its really hard for me to pinpoint a time in my life where I was happy. It seems I was always as an adult looking for that Mr. Right and always settling for Mr. Right now. Overlooking the flaws and settling for the what ifs. I know I'm not perfect. I'm insecure, clingy and overly emotional. This new Linda I've become is different. The angry person, the one who just doesn't give a damn. Who doesn't have sex with her husband because she just doesn't want to. Doesn't need to and doesn't care. Of course the old Linda is still present. The one who is afraid to go it alone. Afraid the car might break down and she won't have the money or resources to get it fixed. The roof might leak, the pipe might break etc.. etc.. however Linda can be very resourceful if needed.
I went thru hell this past year with cancer. Being sick, being bald, being in pain. Yes my husband was there. Supportive? I guess. Of course he told the counselor once that it didn't affect him because he wasn't going thru it himself. He cooked and cleaned. He brought in the occasional bit of money from fixing a computer or getting money from school.
I tried. I went to counseling. I learned how to deal with his son who acts like a overgrown infant most of the time. Hell, my husband acts like an overgrown infant too! I can't stand being in the same room with him. When he comes into the bedroom I get paranoid and defensive. He stands behind me doing nothing or comes in and whistles at the birds. I bristle. I get snotty and nasty all the time. I have been a mean bitch. He is passive and takes it. He is just a passive person. He could get a job if he wanted. He just doesn't want too. He keeps scheming and dreaming that the perfect job is just going to come along and plop into his lap. Meantime I am wondering how we are going to feed the kids this week without going to the food pantry again. I get $40 tomorrow. I better spend it wisely. We had $60 in paypal. $30 of it was a magazine subscription that I cancelled. I sent that to the bank. I should of sent the other $30 but its too late now. He already spent in on a computer part. He has spent thousands of dollars on computer crap. A great deal of it was my money. February was different. As soon as I got my Social security money I took it and paid all the bills. Thats what I'll do when I get my money this month. I can't rely on him to pay anything. He is supposed to get money from school but I'm not holding my breath on that.
So the question is this.. should I wait until school is out so Karl won't have to change schools right now.. or should my broken give a damn extend to that too?
I have been dealing with a lot of anger issues. I am an angry person most of the time. Angry at myself, angry at my husband.
I'm angry at myself for being such a fool. Getting married to a man who blew smoke up my ass. Believing he would get a job. I was reading my post from Sept of 2008 when I first met him. That post was so full of red flags it wasn't even funny. Him not working, living with his sister, just out of a relationship. Meeting him online. He was and still is a major bullshit artist. I wrote him a letter a month ago telling him that I'm not happy and if things don't improve he will have to leave. I get a letter back starting with Linda Dear, we had it all we had nothing. We reached for the stars and only grabbed moon dust. What a crock of shit. Then he has the nerve to say something about me spending money and going to St. Croix! I supported his ass and kept us afloat for the last few years pretty much! He makes a little bit of money here and there and gets money from school, but he is going to have one big debt when he is finished with school, if he ever gets finished. He plans on going for a Masters degree when he finished his batchelors. And I'm supposed to stand around and wait for this big ass job he is supposed to get and make lots of money?
He brings up the fact that I acted like a shit when I had cancer. Well dear, how else am I supposed to act. I could possibly die and you just sit on your ass. I thought a man was supposed to help support his family? Screw you! He said he doesn't want a job that involves "manual labor". Awwwww poor baby! I'm going to tell him again, he can hit the bricks. I can wait until school is out and then he is gone. I can't take this anymore. I can't live with someone I despise. Just being in the same room with him makes me angry. Looking at him makes me angry.
I find myself thinking of excuses to keep him around. He will fix the car, fix this fix that. I used those excuses when I lived with an alcoholic abuser for 12 years. I'm not wasting another year of my life on someone I can't stand to be around. That's it.
