I guess I was feeling pretty paranoid yesterday.  I'm feeling better today.  I did get the car fixed over at O'Reilly's.  A guy came out and put in a new bulb for me.  Never did hear back from the veteran counselor.  I'm sure he has more things to worry about that me.  I was positive that I was going to go out and do something today and I haven't.  I feel light headed and spacey today.  I have found that these symptoms can be a sign of withdrawal from my zanax if I haven't taken it in a couple days.  I only use it to help me sleep and I can't remember if I took it last night or not.  I took 1/2 pill to see if it will help me feel a little "normal".  

All I have done so far today is hand wash some clothes and rig up a drying line on the porch.  I need to get some winter clothing.  I didn't bring any sweatshirts or long sleeve shirts from my last house.  I did bring a couple sweaters though. 

 My new birdfeeder pole came in the mail.  I plan on setting it up in front of my picture window and then turning the couch around so I can just sit there and watch the birds.  It might look strange, but that's ok!  It is my apartment and I can arrange the furniture how I want to!  I just hope I get more birds than just sparrows and black birds.  My hummingbirds have moved on.  I have the feeder out still but I will probably take it down soon.   

Bad feeling

 I have a bad feeling that I'm going to get kicked out of the veteran program.  I think that they are regretting giving me this apartment and that they feel like there are people who are more deserving or qualifying.  The whole point of the program is to become self sufficient and I feel like they probably think I am.  I am pretty self sufficient, but I can't afford an apartment on my own with the income I have.  Maybe I'm just being paranoid.  I'm going to call my counselor at the program tomorrow and discuss it with him. He called today and I told him I was working three days a week and he seemed alarmed over it and wanted to know how much money I was making.  I told him that I am normally scheduled to work two and I just picked up a couple days.  It is bad enough that I'm being hounded daily by Home Instead to pick up extra shifts.  Then when I'm not working I am feeling guilty because I'm not getting stuff done and not going out and being more active.  Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow after I talk to my veteran counselor.   

September

 For the past couple weeks, I have been feeling depressed and anxious. I think the novelty of my new place has worn off and now that I'm settling into a routine, the agoraphobia kicks in.  Just trying to decide what to eat each day is a challenge especially because I am conscious of my weight and need to eat more healthy food.  I have been working 3 days a week because work keeps asking me to pick up time.  I mind but I don't mind either.  My client is pleasant and easy.  Mostly pleasant, she got a little snippy about her tea yesterday.  I just brushed it off.  I know she wasn't feeling good.  

I am beating myself up because I am not going out on my days off and enjoying the nice weather.  The leaves are beginning to change color on the trees.  I haven't used my kayak this year and I may just sell it.  If I had an easier way to transport it, I might keep it.  I should just invest in a roof rack.   

I've also been very upset about the current state of affairs in the country.  Each day is more horrible news about Trump and his massive fucking over of our country.  Of course he blames it all on the Democrats and thinks he is going to fix it if he is elected again.  If he can't fix it now, then why does he think he will be able to fix it later?  Everyone seems so filled with hate toward one another.  Social media is out of control and I think it contributes a lot to my depression.  I need to try and limit my exposure and concentrate on other things.  

I am thinking about taking two or three days and going up to the Burlington area.  I found out there is an Air National Guard base up there and they have the new F-35 stealth planes!  I would love to watch them fly.  I've been reading that they have been very controversial because of the noise they create, especially over the town of Winooski.  There is some good geocaching up there too.  

I was planning on maybe going this week, but of course I had to agree to work Saturday and now Monday as well!  I told her no more after that for the week.  So I hope the weather is good and I can go on a little road trip, alone! Ohio will probably have to wait until next year because of the quarantine.  Speaking of which, people in this country need to stop being so fucking selfish and just follow the protocols so we can get rid of this virus.  Instead people make it political and say it is a "violation" of their rights.  What bullshit.  Your "rights" don't include exposing other people to illness and possible death. This country should have been done with the virus if the government just listened to the CDC to begin with.  Fuckers.  Yes, I'm swearing a lot today.  

Enough bitching for now.