That has been the refrain in my head for the last few days. I'm depressed. Being trapped at home with no money and a car that needs repairs is not fun. I'm taking the car to the garage tomorrow. Using a credit card to pay for it. Once I get my Social security and my first paycheck from work, things will be looking better. I still have to work out my budget for the month, but I should have a little extra to get out and do things! I can get a fishing pole and a license and take my kayak out. Go do some camping and exploring.
My niece is still be a judgmental bitch, so let her. I'm not apologizing, I don't owe her anything. I have a right to make decisions in my life, if I'm not dancing to her tune and she is pissed, oh well.
I am going to get off my ass and go to the grocery store. I don't want to, but I need something for dinner. I don't think I can handle more of my homemade hamburger helper. I'm not a fan of ground beef to begin with, unless it is meatloaf or meatballs. One of the things about my depression is that I would rather go without than have to go to the store. I have food, but I guess I'm just tired of having to eat, if that makes any sense.
Sunday, June 30, 2019
Sunday, June 23, 2019
Issues
I have a tendency to say yes to things without really thinking it through and because I want to be nice.
So anyhow, there is a family friend who I dated briefly a very long time ago. He has mental issues and is considered disabled. Recently he was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. I wanted to show him support so I have visited him and talked to him online. He likes to say love you, so I said it back, as a friend.
So the other day, he found out that I might be camping with my niece and he asked if he could sleep with me. I thought he meant in the camper, but he literally wanted to sleep in the same bed with me, just to cuddle. I was thinking at first that it might be nice for him because he is very sick and might like a little affection. I said yes, but then the more I thought about it, knowing his history and ways, I told him I changed my mind because I felt uncomfortable about it. He didn't take that well, saying, "but it's me". I told him that I have learned that I need to say no and stand up for myself if things don't feel right, so it's no.
He copped an attitude. So then yesterday, every time I posted something online, he would leave some snarky comment about how I made him feel uncomfortable and how I said "I loved him" etc...
I responded in a brief way and kept it simple. He kept it up and was commenting on everything I posted. My online friends were starting to notice, so I deleted his comments. They kept continuing so I just blocked him.
I feel a little guilty, I guess in a way because maybe I should be feeling sorry for him because he has cancer and is going through treatment, but then I thought, that is no excuse for bad behavior. When I had cancer and was going through treatment I didn't act like that. So, if he wants to label me as a bitch, so be it. I don't owe him anything.
So anyhow, there is a family friend who I dated briefly a very long time ago. He has mental issues and is considered disabled. Recently he was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. I wanted to show him support so I have visited him and talked to him online. He likes to say love you, so I said it back, as a friend.
So the other day, he found out that I might be camping with my niece and he asked if he could sleep with me. I thought he meant in the camper, but he literally wanted to sleep in the same bed with me, just to cuddle. I was thinking at first that it might be nice for him because he is very sick and might like a little affection. I said yes, but then the more I thought about it, knowing his history and ways, I told him I changed my mind because I felt uncomfortable about it. He didn't take that well, saying, "but it's me". I told him that I have learned that I need to say no and stand up for myself if things don't feel right, so it's no.
He copped an attitude. So then yesterday, every time I posted something online, he would leave some snarky comment about how I made him feel uncomfortable and how I said "I loved him" etc...
I responded in a brief way and kept it simple. He kept it up and was commenting on everything I posted. My online friends were starting to notice, so I deleted his comments. They kept continuing so I just blocked him.
I feel a little guilty, I guess in a way because maybe I should be feeling sorry for him because he has cancer and is going through treatment, but then I thought, that is no excuse for bad behavior. When I had cancer and was going through treatment I didn't act like that. So, if he wants to label me as a bitch, so be it. I don't owe him anything.
Friday, June 21, 2019
Back to Square one!
Back to square one... that is where I am. I feel like the last few months have been an exercise in futility. I do have to say however, that I have learned a couple good lessons!
Don't trust Rich again and be thankful for what you have.
I went to another Workaway, this time to Little Valley, NY to work at a horse ranch. For the most part I liked it, but the work was exhausting and not shared equally. I was responsible for all the feeding and cleaning of stalls, alone. The man there was a nitpicker and was quick to blame me for things he felt were wrong. One time, he wasn't happy with the way a gate was shut after a horse was put up. He was lecturing me on the "right way" to close that gate until I told him that I wasn't the one who put that horse away and I knew how to close the gate. He didn't even apologize. I only stayed two weeks and that was more than I could handle. Smashed my hand pretty good in a stall door too!
Well, after I came home, I realized that Rich had moved out. He said he had a job in Glens Falls. I never heard a peep from him after that even though I messaged him about mail he has here, etc.. took me a couple weeks to find out that he had moved back in with his "mistress". So after all I did for him, he just takes off without even a thanks for everything, see ya later. Fuck him, never again. If I found him on the street in a leaky cardboard box, I wouldn't even give him a new box. He is nothing but a user and a loser.
I ended up going back to work at Home Instead. I need work done on my car, brakes and probably more.
I really don't want to spend another winter in this house, but if I sell it now, I can't work and live out of my car, I would have to start traveling. Well, technically I could, but up here it isn't very practical and when winter comes, it would be too cold.
Don't trust Rich again and be thankful for what you have.
I went to another Workaway, this time to Little Valley, NY to work at a horse ranch. For the most part I liked it, but the work was exhausting and not shared equally. I was responsible for all the feeding and cleaning of stalls, alone. The man there was a nitpicker and was quick to blame me for things he felt were wrong. One time, he wasn't happy with the way a gate was shut after a horse was put up. He was lecturing me on the "right way" to close that gate until I told him that I wasn't the one who put that horse away and I knew how to close the gate. He didn't even apologize. I only stayed two weeks and that was more than I could handle. Smashed my hand pretty good in a stall door too!
Well, after I came home, I realized that Rich had moved out. He said he had a job in Glens Falls. I never heard a peep from him after that even though I messaged him about mail he has here, etc.. took me a couple weeks to find out that he had moved back in with his "mistress". So after all I did for him, he just takes off without even a thanks for everything, see ya later. Fuck him, never again. If I found him on the street in a leaky cardboard box, I wouldn't even give him a new box. He is nothing but a user and a loser.
I ended up going back to work at Home Instead. I need work done on my car, brakes and probably more.
I really don't want to spend another winter in this house, but if I sell it now, I can't work and live out of my car, I would have to start traveling. Well, technically I could, but up here it isn't very practical and when winter comes, it would be too cold.
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