A bit of relief

 The veteran housing told me that I don't have to move, that I can stay here.  I like that idea, but then of course I feel guilty for not taking advantage of the section 8 program.  I am really not a big fan of it to begin with seeing as it puts me under the thumb of the housing authority.  People on section 8 get a bad reputation too.  Lazy, drug users, drunks, etc.. Worse than living in a mobile home, ha ha!

There is not much let up as far as anxiety.  My shrink gave me a two week notice to take off work.  More guilt.  I'm thinking about just retiring.  I'm not sure if that is a good idea or not.  I've been housebound for over a week now.  I want to go out and go fishing or something but my anxiety won't let me get there.  I have a million excuses.  My anxiety starts as soon as I wake up and goes until I go to bed.  Taking a zanax helps but I don't want to be drugged all the time.

I bought another inflatable kayak.  I haven't tried it out yet.  I'm thinking the seat is going to be an issue because it doesn't give me much support.  Maybe when I'm actually on the water it will feel better.  I would rather use my regular kayak.  I saw a video online on how to make some modifications to make it easier to get it on the car.  Another version of the blanket and slide.  I just have to get up the courage to just do it.  Tomorrow is supposed to be a nice day, so maybe I will just go!  I have to make sure I have two tie down straps first, or just take the inflatable.  

My brother is coming up for a visit soon.  He will be staying out at his daughter's place.  I hope him and I can go out on a couple adventures.  

My youngest adult child was in a short documentary in 2019 and it has been selected to be shown in the Lower Eastside Film festival in NYC in July!  I'm very excited for him.  I hope that he and his friends can go down for the premiere.  It would be awesome if it won an award too and went on to other film festivals.  He is going to visit his friend Cale in Boston this month.  Cale got an apartment.  I know Niko would like to move to Boston but with no job or car or income, it isn't likely. I know sometimes it is harder for kids to leave the nest.  

Niko's grandmother has cancer.  It is in her back somewhere.  She is going to get an MRI or something to see if it has spread.  She is in her 80's.  I don't know what will happen with Niko if she passes away.  More than likely, he will have to move somewhere else or move in with someone else.  He can't live here with me, unfortunately.  If he got a job we could get an apartment together.  I've been rambling, so I'm ending this post!

Another moving nightmare

 I have only been in this apartment less than a year and I'm already being pressured to leave.  My veteran counselor signed me up for section 8 without telling me.  So now I have this housing voucher and I have to try to find another place to live in 60 days.  I wasn't prepared for this.  I am so stressed out.  The housing situation around here is ridiculous.  Rents are so high in this county.  The lady upstairs is moving, maybe.  Don't really know what is going on with her.  So either the veteran's can take over that apartment or I can move up to it.  It is half the size of the one I have now.  I can make do, I don't need all this furniture or space but it is up a flight of very steep stairs.  It is just such a pain in the ass right now that I don't need.  My employer keeps pressuring me to pick up hours too.  I've been spending a lot of time just reading or being on my laptop.  My back is starting to act up too.  

I am seriously just considering leaving everything and just go live in my car like I had originally wanted to.  That will be harder too.  Dealing with address issues and such.  My depression and anxiety is not helping at all.  I just want to be left alone.