Monday, October 14, 2019
I had a dream this morning that was so intense. I was married to a man and he was abducted by an evil race of beings that lived underground and they were using him for experiments or something. I went and rescued him and when I got him home this love I felt for him was so intense. I can't even describe it but when I woke up I felt as if I lost someone. It really hurt and upsets me. I have never felt love like that for a man. I know I will get over
A trip to Maine and Massachussets.
A couple weeks ago, my son and I went on a trip to the east coast. We stayed in Wells, ME and visited Ogunquit and then went down the coast to Gloucester for a few hours.
Ogunquit was beautiful. We walked the Marginal Way up and back. Took a trip on a boat to see how lobsters are caught and watched the surf pound the rocks.
We must have walked about 7 miles that day. I was exhausted and could barely move! We walked a little more in Gloucester. That is a nice little town, I really enjoyed it. We took a ride around the harbor and saw the Wicked Tuna boats and some of the places from The Perfect Storm.
Since I've been back however, I've been struggling with depression. Not wanting to leave the house, feeling guilty about it. Forcing myself to go do things. I feel like I'm just wasting my life away, staring out the window, wishing I could just GO. I had six days off and did nothing. Thought I met someone nice online and he turned out to be a jerk just like the rest of them.
I feel critically damaged. There is something about me that drives people away. Or I drive them away. I feel like my life is a charade. People always say how brave I am and think I'm cool for going out and doing all these things. I'm not brave or cool, I'm a con artist. A clown hiding behind a mask. I'm damaged goods. All the pep talks in the world can't change my mind. I'm like that lady in the depression medication commercial who hides behind the smiley face. I will call next tomorrow and make an appointment to see my counselor. I see Dr. G next week. It's so beautiful outside, the trees are so pretty. I'm sitting inside.
I impulsively went to the animal shelter and got a guinea pig. She is cute, her name in Cinnamon. I am going outside now to pick her some clover and grass.
Ogunquit was beautiful. We walked the Marginal Way up and back. Took a trip on a boat to see how lobsters are caught and watched the surf pound the rocks.
We must have walked about 7 miles that day. I was exhausted and could barely move! We walked a little more in Gloucester. That is a nice little town, I really enjoyed it. We took a ride around the harbor and saw the Wicked Tuna boats and some of the places from The Perfect Storm.
Since I've been back however, I've been struggling with depression. Not wanting to leave the house, feeling guilty about it. Forcing myself to go do things. I feel like I'm just wasting my life away, staring out the window, wishing I could just GO. I had six days off and did nothing. Thought I met someone nice online and he turned out to be a jerk just like the rest of them.
I feel critically damaged. There is something about me that drives people away. Or I drive them away. I feel like my life is a charade. People always say how brave I am and think I'm cool for going out and doing all these things. I'm not brave or cool, I'm a con artist. A clown hiding behind a mask. I'm damaged goods. All the pep talks in the world can't change my mind. I'm like that lady in the depression medication commercial who hides behind the smiley face. I will call next tomorrow and make an appointment to see my counselor. I see Dr. G next week. It's so beautiful outside, the trees are so pretty. I'm sitting inside.
I impulsively went to the animal shelter and got a guinea pig. She is cute, her name in Cinnamon. I am going outside now to pick her some clover and grass.
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