Today I was looking at the FB page of a boy I went to school with. I had a big crush on him in Jr. high. It looks like he did very well in life. College degree, great job, beautiful wife. Right now he is on a luxury vacation tour in Tanzania, Africa.
It makes me wonder how some people from the same peer group are so successful in life and others just flounder? I realize that family wealth and success have a lot to do with it. So does hard work and good choices in life. Some is just plain luck.
I think about how I grew up and the choices I made as an adult that led me to where I am today. It is all a matter of perspective I suppose. To millions of people on earth, I am considered a "wealthy" woman. To other millions, I am considered poor and a "leech" on society.
After the debacle with Rich and my unsuccessful bid to break free, I am back to where I started. I want comfort and security, but I also want to break from this tedious life that I live. Maybe I should just sell the house for a couple thousand and be done with it! No more rent, electric and cable bills, no more propane bills, just me, my car and a tent.
Friday, July 26, 2019
Monday, July 1, 2019
Sunday, June 30, 2019
Fuck, fuck, fuck
That has been the refrain in my head for the last few days. I'm depressed. Being trapped at home with no money and a car that needs repairs is not fun. I'm taking the car to the garage tomorrow. Using a credit card to pay for it. Once I get my Social security and my first paycheck from work, things will be looking better. I still have to work out my budget for the month, but I should have a little extra to get out and do things! I can get a fishing pole and a license and take my kayak out. Go do some camping and exploring.
My niece is still be a judgmental bitch, so let her. I'm not apologizing, I don't owe her anything. I have a right to make decisions in my life, if I'm not dancing to her tune and she is pissed, oh well.
I am going to get off my ass and go to the grocery store. I don't want to, but I need something for dinner. I don't think I can handle more of my homemade hamburger helper. I'm not a fan of ground beef to begin with, unless it is meatloaf or meatballs. One of the things about my depression is that I would rather go without than have to go to the store. I have food, but I guess I'm just tired of having to eat, if that makes any sense.
My niece is still be a judgmental bitch, so let her. I'm not apologizing, I don't owe her anything. I have a right to make decisions in my life, if I'm not dancing to her tune and she is pissed, oh well.
I am going to get off my ass and go to the grocery store. I don't want to, but I need something for dinner. I don't think I can handle more of my homemade hamburger helper. I'm not a fan of ground beef to begin with, unless it is meatloaf or meatballs. One of the things about my depression is that I would rather go without than have to go to the store. I have food, but I guess I'm just tired of having to eat, if that makes any sense.
Sunday, June 23, 2019
Issues
I have a tendency to say yes to things without really thinking it through and because I want to be nice.
So anyhow, there is a family friend who I dated briefly a very long time ago. He has mental issues and is considered disabled. Recently he was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. I wanted to show him support so I have visited him and talked to him online. He likes to say love you, so I said it back, as a friend.
So the other day, he found out that I might be camping with my niece and he asked if he could sleep with me. I thought he meant in the camper, but he literally wanted to sleep in the same bed with me, just to cuddle. I was thinking at first that it might be nice for him because he is very sick and might like a little affection. I said yes, but then the more I thought about it, knowing his history and ways, I told him I changed my mind because I felt uncomfortable about it. He didn't take that well, saying, "but it's me". I told him that I have learned that I need to say no and stand up for myself if things don't feel right, so it's no.
He copped an attitude. So then yesterday, every time I posted something online, he would leave some snarky comment about how I made him feel uncomfortable and how I said "I loved him" etc...
I responded in a brief way and kept it simple. He kept it up and was commenting on everything I posted. My online friends were starting to notice, so I deleted his comments. They kept continuing so I just blocked him.
I feel a little guilty, I guess in a way because maybe I should be feeling sorry for him because he has cancer and is going through treatment, but then I thought, that is no excuse for bad behavior. When I had cancer and was going through treatment I didn't act like that. So, if he wants to label me as a bitch, so be it. I don't owe him anything.
So anyhow, there is a family friend who I dated briefly a very long time ago. He has mental issues and is considered disabled. Recently he was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. I wanted to show him support so I have visited him and talked to him online. He likes to say love you, so I said it back, as a friend.
So the other day, he found out that I might be camping with my niece and he asked if he could sleep with me. I thought he meant in the camper, but he literally wanted to sleep in the same bed with me, just to cuddle. I was thinking at first that it might be nice for him because he is very sick and might like a little affection. I said yes, but then the more I thought about it, knowing his history and ways, I told him I changed my mind because I felt uncomfortable about it. He didn't take that well, saying, "but it's me". I told him that I have learned that I need to say no and stand up for myself if things don't feel right, so it's no.
He copped an attitude. So then yesterday, every time I posted something online, he would leave some snarky comment about how I made him feel uncomfortable and how I said "I loved him" etc...
I responded in a brief way and kept it simple. He kept it up and was commenting on everything I posted. My online friends were starting to notice, so I deleted his comments. They kept continuing so I just blocked him.
I feel a little guilty, I guess in a way because maybe I should be feeling sorry for him because he has cancer and is going through treatment, but then I thought, that is no excuse for bad behavior. When I had cancer and was going through treatment I didn't act like that. So, if he wants to label me as a bitch, so be it. I don't owe him anything.
Friday, June 21, 2019
Back to Square one!
Back to square one... that is where I am. I feel like the last few months have been an exercise in futility. I do have to say however, that I have learned a couple good lessons!
Don't trust Rich again and be thankful for what you have.
I went to another Workaway, this time to Little Valley, NY to work at a horse ranch. For the most part I liked it, but the work was exhausting and not shared equally. I was responsible for all the feeding and cleaning of stalls, alone. The man there was a nitpicker and was quick to blame me for things he felt were wrong. One time, he wasn't happy with the way a gate was shut after a horse was put up. He was lecturing me on the "right way" to close that gate until I told him that I wasn't the one who put that horse away and I knew how to close the gate. He didn't even apologize. I only stayed two weeks and that was more than I could handle. Smashed my hand pretty good in a stall door too!
Well, after I came home, I realized that Rich had moved out. He said he had a job in Glens Falls. I never heard a peep from him after that even though I messaged him about mail he has here, etc.. took me a couple weeks to find out that he had moved back in with his "mistress". So after all I did for him, he just takes off without even a thanks for everything, see ya later. Fuck him, never again. If I found him on the street in a leaky cardboard box, I wouldn't even give him a new box. He is nothing but a user and a loser.
I ended up going back to work at Home Instead. I need work done on my car, brakes and probably more.
I really don't want to spend another winter in this house, but if I sell it now, I can't work and live out of my car, I would have to start traveling. Well, technically I could, but up here it isn't very practical and when winter comes, it would be too cold.
Don't trust Rich again and be thankful for what you have.
I went to another Workaway, this time to Little Valley, NY to work at a horse ranch. For the most part I liked it, but the work was exhausting and not shared equally. I was responsible for all the feeding and cleaning of stalls, alone. The man there was a nitpicker and was quick to blame me for things he felt were wrong. One time, he wasn't happy with the way a gate was shut after a horse was put up. He was lecturing me on the "right way" to close that gate until I told him that I wasn't the one who put that horse away and I knew how to close the gate. He didn't even apologize. I only stayed two weeks and that was more than I could handle. Smashed my hand pretty good in a stall door too!
Well, after I came home, I realized that Rich had moved out. He said he had a job in Glens Falls. I never heard a peep from him after that even though I messaged him about mail he has here, etc.. took me a couple weeks to find out that he had moved back in with his "mistress". So after all I did for him, he just takes off without even a thanks for everything, see ya later. Fuck him, never again. If I found him on the street in a leaky cardboard box, I wouldn't even give him a new box. He is nothing but a user and a loser.
I ended up going back to work at Home Instead. I need work done on my car, brakes and probably more.
I really don't want to spend another winter in this house, but if I sell it now, I can't work and live out of my car, I would have to start traveling. Well, technically I could, but up here it isn't very practical and when winter comes, it would be too cold.
Monday, April 1, 2019
Angry again
I am starting to feel angry and resentful again. How could I have let myself get trapped in this situation again?
I should never have come back to NY. I want to pack up and leave again. I can't live with him, I just can't. I don't like feeling that I am responsible for him. I'm not. He is either going to have to deal with being here alone or leave.
I can't do it. I just can't.
The weather isn't helping either. If it isn't freezing, it's raining. Will spring ever come? I have to figure out what I'm going to do with this house. Either he takes it or I sell it.
He has been talking about traveling with me. Oh God, I can't even imagine.
Maybe I should tell him he has to find another place to live and just use this as my "home base" for travel. I will have to rehome the cats though. Glad I am seeing my counselor in a couple days.
I should never have come back to NY. I want to pack up and leave again. I can't live with him, I just can't. I don't like feeling that I am responsible for him. I'm not. He is either going to have to deal with being here alone or leave.
I can't do it. I just can't.
The weather isn't helping either. If it isn't freezing, it's raining. Will spring ever come? I have to figure out what I'm going to do with this house. Either he takes it or I sell it.
He has been talking about traveling with me. Oh God, I can't even imagine.
Maybe I should tell him he has to find another place to live and just use this as my "home base" for travel. I will have to rehome the cats though. Glad I am seeing my counselor in a couple days.
Saturday, March 30, 2019
I tried
I tried, I really did. I just can't do it. I left and got dragged back. I can't stay here and babysit a grown ass man. I don't care if he is my husband. We had been split up for 5 years. I can't live with him. He makes my skin crawl. His voice, his mannerisms, everything. My misophonia goes into overdrive around him. I can hear him eating from my room, with the door shut. He clanks his utensils on the dishes. Clink, clink, clink. I want to scream. I am feeling trapped again. I can't live like this. Either he goes, or I go, I can't do this.
He is talking about traveling with me. I think I would fucking go insane.
He is talking about traveling with me. I think I would fucking go insane.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)