Break through

(This post was originally written in 2011 before my cancer treatment) I have been feeling so much better the last few days.  Not sure what to attribute it too, but I am not so overwhelmed with everything and am more able to take things as they come.  I still do not have everything settled.  I am going up to the school tomorrow to see the counselor about classes.  I may or may not be going.  I still don't know about the surgery.  How extensive it will be or what this mass is that is growing inside me.  I hope that if I do go to school I will be able to keep up with my classes.  If I don't think I can, then I will have to take a deferment until fall.  I applied for Social Security disability.  I was told by them that I can make up to $1000 a month and still be eligible. 

February 2022

Another year come and gone.  2021 was pretty uneventful I think.  Mostly due to the agoraphobia and Covid.  Update on my sister, after multiple tests, there is still no official diagnosis, but they are pretty sure she has MS.  She will be going back down to the specialist in New Orleans for the follow up after her spinal tap.  

I'm pretty disgusted with myself for the state that I've let myself lapse into over the winter.  I have barely left the house and have let the cleaning tasks accumulate.  I did get laundry fairly caught up and the dishes too.  I am having another mouse invasion, so I need to step up the traps!  I've been sleeping a lot too, or just laying around for hours reading.  I keep telling myself that I will go for a walk in the woods or go geocaching and I keep making excuses not to leave.  Tomorrow, I plan to go up to Ballston Spa because I need to go to the bank.  

I really don't know why I keep this blog because it seems like the same old crap every entry.  I just keep getting older.  

My niece, Lindsay may be going to prison in a couple months.  I am not going into the details, but I told her I would keep track of her finances for her and the kids.  I thought she was doing so well, but it seems she hides a lot of what goes on, so I had no idea she was in trouble.  I feel really sorry for her kids because they will be the ones that really have to pay for it.  Luckily the boys are older and a little more responsible, but Izzy is so young.  Lindsay will probably serve less than a year as long as she has good behavior.  

My brother is coming up for a short visit in March.  I would like to plan a road trip that doesn't involve just driving to Louisiana and back.  I want to take a trip where it is warm enough to camp and I can just relax, see some sights and go where the road takes me.  I will probably head west, then south.  My last trip was long, but fun.  I did get to see a lot, but I still felt rushed.  I think if I go when it is warmer, I can camp and not have to feel like I have to be constantly on the move.  I will have to get over my fear of solo camping.  I'm not afraid of the actual camping, just of running into yahoo's that will cause trouble for me.  I don't like traditional campgrounds, so I will be camping in more remote areas.  (Note to self: try to avoid driving through Pittsburg again!)

I should probably start trip planning now, that always keeps my mind busy.  Spring isn't too far off and I think it will come early this year!  

Almost Christmas

 Hooray, my least favorite time of the year.  This Christmas especially sucks because something is very wrong with my sister, Brenda.  She has a brain tumor or some type of malformation in her brain stem.  Not considered operable.  Her latest MRI also indicated lesions in parts of the brain.  Her Dr. is going to call her and discuss the results.

My kids are supposed to come over for dinner tomorrow, but I bet Travis will cancel.  He has anxiety about going places too, like me.

I did go to the grocery store yesterday.  It was packed and my anxiety was bad.  I almost left my cart and walked out.  I did manage to get the ham for tomorrow and a couple other items to fix with it.  I already have veggies.  I was going to fix a chicken, but to me that isn't very Christmassy and I already lost out on turkey for Thanksgiving.  I want ham, dammit!  

14 years!

 I just realized that I have been blogging here for 14 years!  That's a long time.  Not much new going on.  I quit Home Instead and I'm now a free lance pet sitter.  I've been enjoying it for the most part.  Most of my money seems to go to Niko but I have managed to put some away.  I have a few repeat clients and some new that are just starting.  I have a new client starting this Friday for a week.  They have 4 dogs and a cat.  The dogs really seem to like me and I like them as well.  The home is beautiful.  I won't be spending the night, but it isn't far away.  I am doing an overnight for 3 days at Thanksgiving.  Three really sweet small dogs.  One looks so much like my Buzzy dog.  I looked into his sweet little face and could see my Buzzy there.  This dog's name is Onyx.  

When I'm not doing that, I am mostly staying home.  I keep telling myself that I need to get out and exercise.  I really do.  I've been having increased back issues and I'm getting flabbier by the day with no muscle tone.  The upcoming pet sit is by the Indian Kill nature preserve, so I will get in there and go geocaching.  Last time I went there, I nearly passed out a couple times, my heart was acting up.  There are also several new caches at Anchor Diamond that is up the road a couple miles.  Tomorrow I have to go to Ballston Spa and sign a couple papers at the Veteran agency.  I also need to stop at Agway and get some bird seed.  I'm getting the cheaper kind because those darn sparrows just throw it all on the ground.  I'm hoping to get something besides sparrows this year.  I have had a Blue jay a couple times.  

I haven't posted a memory about my childhood in a while.  I will post something happy.  My Mom used to take us for a lot of nature walks when we were kids.  We lived in the middle of the country, so there were plenty of places to go!  We often walked up to the sand pit in the summer to pick blackberries. We would take a packed lunch with us. Mom would make jam from all the berries we picked during the year.  The sand pit has been a dumping ground for lazy people since I was little.  The state finally blocked the road, but I don't think they ever took out the trash.  We call it the sand pit because it is literally a sand dune in the forest.  I turned the area into an Earthcache and there is a physical cache there too that I should check on.  This area used to be the bottom of an ocean many millions of years ago.  There are many areas that have large deposits of sand still left from then.  There is certainly no shortage of sand for the town to use when treating the roads in the winter!  There is a large sand pit used by the town on Lake Desolation Rd and also one on Bockes Rd.  The sand heap on Bockes is interesting because in the spring, swallows dig nests into the sides of the pile and raise their young there.  

A bit of relief

 The veteran housing told me that I don't have to move, that I can stay here.  I like that idea, but then of course I feel guilty for not taking advantage of the section 8 program.  I am really not a big fan of it to begin with seeing as it puts me under the thumb of the housing authority.  People on section 8 get a bad reputation too.  Lazy, drug users, drunks, etc.. Worse than living in a mobile home, ha ha!

There is not much let up as far as anxiety.  My shrink gave me a two week notice to take off work.  More guilt.  I'm thinking about just retiring.  I'm not sure if that is a good idea or not.  I've been housebound for over a week now.  I want to go out and go fishing or something but my anxiety won't let me get there.  I have a million excuses.  My anxiety starts as soon as I wake up and goes until I go to bed.  Taking a zanax helps but I don't want to be drugged all the time.

I bought another inflatable kayak.  I haven't tried it out yet.  I'm thinking the seat is going to be an issue because it doesn't give me much support.  Maybe when I'm actually on the water it will feel better.  I would rather use my regular kayak.  I saw a video online on how to make some modifications to make it easier to get it on the car.  Another version of the blanket and slide.  I just have to get up the courage to just do it.  Tomorrow is supposed to be a nice day, so maybe I will just go!  I have to make sure I have two tie down straps first, or just take the inflatable.  

My brother is coming up for a visit soon.  He will be staying out at his daughter's place.  I hope him and I can go out on a couple adventures.  

My youngest adult child was in a short documentary in 2019 and it has been selected to be shown in the Lower Eastside Film festival in NYC in July!  I'm very excited for him.  I hope that he and his friends can go down for the premiere.  It would be awesome if it won an award too and went on to other film festivals.  He is going to visit his friend Cale in Boston this month.  Cale got an apartment.  I know Niko would like to move to Boston but with no job or car or income, it isn't likely. I know sometimes it is harder for kids to leave the nest.  

Niko's grandmother has cancer.  It is in her back somewhere.  She is going to get an MRI or something to see if it has spread.  She is in her 80's.  I don't know what will happen with Niko if she passes away.  More than likely, he will have to move somewhere else or move in with someone else.  He can't live here with me, unfortunately.  If he got a job we could get an apartment together.  I've been rambling, so I'm ending this post!

Another moving nightmare

 I have only been in this apartment less than a year and I'm already being pressured to leave.  My veteran counselor signed me up for section 8 without telling me.  So now I have this housing voucher and I have to try to find another place to live in 60 days.  I wasn't prepared for this.  I am so stressed out.  The housing situation around here is ridiculous.  Rents are so high in this county.  The lady upstairs is moving, maybe.  Don't really know what is going on with her.  So either the veteran's can take over that apartment or I can move up to it.  It is half the size of the one I have now.  I can make do, I don't need all this furniture or space but it is up a flight of very steep stairs.  It is just such a pain in the ass right now that I don't need.  My employer keeps pressuring me to pick up hours too.  I've been spending a lot of time just reading or being on my laptop.  My back is starting to act up too.  

I am seriously just considering leaving everything and just go live in my car like I had originally wanted to.  That will be harder too.  Dealing with address issues and such.  My depression and anxiety is not helping at all.  I just want to be left alone.

Fern fairy ring

 Niko just found this fern fairy ring growing in his backyard!