Talked with counselor

 I finally got hold of my veteran counselor.  I am most certainly NOT getting evicted and I can also take as much vacation time as I want away from the apartment.  I just need to let them know I'm gone so they can keep an eye on it for me.  

Now I have to see if I can get some time off of work.  It shouldn't be a problem if I ask for a leave of absence.  Then I can plan a trip!  

I was looking at buying a more durable tent as the one that I have is a cheap piece of crap.  I'm thinking along the line of a Big Agnes or even a canvas tent.  Something roomy that won't leak.  

It's really nice out today, but every time I think about doing something I get anxious or feel tired.  That's ok.  It will be getting even nicer soon and I can get out of this slump that I'm in.  I'm driving to Albany on Sunday, so that's getting out!  Maybe if the weather is nice, I can go to a park or do some geocaching.  

Chill out, Linda!

 I just finally realized how crazy my thinking is.  I know I have cabin fever.  Spring will be here soon and I can start planning trips.  I don't need to "run away".  2/15/22 Wow, this seems to be an annual problem!

March 2021

 I didn't make a post in February.  Not much happened.  I got my first Covid vaccine.  Next one is this coming Sunday.  My Mom had her birthday on the 18th but she was very sick and ended up going to the hospital.  The South was in the middle of a series of snow and ice storms.  Roads were impassable.  

My anxiety and depression is really ramping up.  The urge to flee is in me again.  Feeling trapped by this apartment.  Wondering if I can travel freely while living here.  Wondering how I can continue justifying "needing" to live here when I feel like there are other people with more need than I.  I don't feel deserving enough.  I don't feel I meet the criteria, except for income.  I am independent and except for affordable housing, I can get by without help.  

This insecurity leads to continued bad dreams.  Usually being trapped with an ex again and unable to get rid of him or get away.  He is usually a mix of Dave and Rich.  Mostly looking like Rich except acting like Dave.  The dream I had last night was bad.  He was in my house and refused to leave.  I finally succeeded in getting him out, but he took everything out of the house.  Then he was trying to force his way back in and was physically attacking me.  I was trying to lock myself inside a vehicle, but he either had a key or was forcing the doors open.  

I guess I don't feel safe and "home" living in this apartment.  I'm dreaming of traveling again.  I just want to have the freedom to come and go as I please.  Maybe I will just have to get a good tent and hit the road.  I'm hoping that once it warms up and I can get out and hike and try camping, this urge will leave me.  I am trying to get hold of my VCHC counselor to talk to her about my worries.   2/15/22 I still have the nightmares, but I am always glad to wake up here.  I still have some anxiety when I hear strange noises at night.  I keep thinking someone is trying to break in.  It seems a lot of the same issues are plaguing me this year.

Mid January... how did that happen?

 I can't believe it is mid January already!  This week is inauguration day for President elect Biden and VP elect Kamala Harris.  A female VP!  Protests are being planned around the country as far right wing groups want to stage a Civil War 2.  For what, I have no idea.  I guess their fragile whiteness is being threatened.  President Trump has been impeached for the 2nd time, making history for something at least.  His followers think he is the best president this country has ever had.  Ha!  

Last week, I had a shift up near the Wilton mall at a new senior housing complex called The Summit.  It was a long 5 hours.  Easy, but long!  I think I'll look for something a little closer to home.  I also had my Tuesday shift at Coburg with my regular client.

The vaccine rollout of Covid in NY state is ridiculous.  It seems that millions are eligible but there aren't enough vaccines to go around.  I saw on the news how nurses in Alaska drove snowmobiles to reach people in remote villages.  I'm thinking that it is ironic how they can manage to do that, but can't get vaccines to people who live in regular cities and towns.  I'm not saying those people don't deserve it, but come on!

I got two geocaches this week, easy ones.  I went for a third but found out it is in a tunnel with a creek running through it!  It's a bit to cold for that!  Maybe if I put my waders on!  It is a CDParker cache so that explains a lot.  

We had some snow the last couple days and my car had a strange phenomenon happen to it.  The windshield developed a "snow roll".  Here are some pictures of it.

Seditious Conspiracy

 To me, this countries government seems very close to collapsing.  On January 6, a group of Trump supporters, encouraged by Trump and other political figures, stormed the Capital building in attempt to overthrow the election results.  Threats were made on the lives of lawmakers including the Vice President and the Speaker of the House.  You would think that the President would have been immediately removed from office.  Reports have come out that he was gleeful when watching rioters attack the Capitol.  Yet he still sits in the Oval office.  What kind of politicians do we have in this country that would rather see a mad man at the helm and back him in order to maintain their own positions and status?  This is not America.  This is not making "Making America Great Again", this is Sedition.  Today Trump was allowed to board Air Force One and fly to Texas to see his "wall" and to make a speech declaring that he bears no responsibility for what happened and that the speech he gave to the mob of supporters in DC was appropriate.  I don't think this country has been so low since the Civil War.  I'm just disgusted.

Happy New Year!

 So glad 2020 is over.  What a year.  Such upheaval in this country and the world.  A global pandemic, a corrupt government, a failed president.  

I am fully recovered from the tree on the house incident.  I do still have bad dreams about being stuck inside a really run down old mobile home and I think my apartment was just a dream.  I am still in my apartment and happily so.

Winter is upon us and I hope it goes by quickly.  It was ushered in with a first storm with 3 feet of snowfall!  Just flurries on and off since then. I am not a big fan of winter.  I don't like being cold.

A bit of issues with work.  I took on a couple for clients who are just plain old strange.  The wife is a heavy smoker and after the first day of being with her chain smoking, I told the office.  They told her she can't smoke when I'm there.  She is also on oxygen!  Anyhow, I've asked the office to see if they can find someone else to take them.  The hours are 8-1 and I despise getting up early!  There is another client living in Coburg village that I have started with.  I like her very much.  Office asked me to cover the couple next week and I agreed.  I know they like me and want me to stay, but the hours... I guess I can just suck it up.  It's only two days a week and not back to back.  They are only a few minutes away as well.  They have also told the office that they like me and want to keep me!

This year I want to travel.  Take a few weeks and go.  Camp out of my car as much as possible.  I would like to see the southwest.  I would also like to see the northwest.  This country needs to get it's act together and fight this pandemic!  

Anxiety out of control

 I feel like I am on the edge of a nervous breakdown.  My depression must be bad and my anxieties are out of control.  I can't bear to leave the house and having to work tomorrow is making me sick to my stomach.  I've been getting my groceries delivered and washing my clothes in the sink.  All I want to do is sleep.  I am tired of living.  I don't want to die, I just wish I could sleep and not wake up and have to "life".  I have no explanation for why I feel this way, I just do.  

My Mom called me this morning and all she did was go on and on about her diabetes and food.  I just wanted to scream.  I know I should be grateful that I have a Mom to talk to and that someday I won't.  I think I might take a zanax and see if I can chill.

Sorry for the rant.  I know people read my blog, but no one comments.  I know you are out there however!