Thursday, June 28, 2012

Going to Buffalo/Niagara Falls

I found out this past week that a friend of mine that I went to school with has a stroke and 3 aneurisms in her brain.  She was hospitalized and stabilized.  By a miracle of God, she is alive and the aneurisms have seemed to disappear.  Rich and I are driving out next week while Sarah is in camp to go visit.  She may be in a rehab facility by then.  Rich and I are going to be trying something different this time.  It is called Couchsurfing.  Basically it is a website that hooks travelers up with people willing to give them a place to stay while they are away.  We got lucky and are going to be staying at someones house near Buffalo.  They seem great and are even trusting us with a set of keys!  They said act like its a hotel and they are making us dinner too!  Crazy.. Rich was teasing me and saying maybe they are swingers and they are going to hit on us.  I said no.. they have references online and don't seem like that.  This will save us some money too.  Hard to believe complete strangers offer to do this!  I wouldn't mind hosting either, but our house is not that great and I've said so on the website.  If we do host, Sarah won't be here just to be on the safe side.  I don't want some creepo trying something with her.  
Anyhow.. I am hoping this experience will be good.  I have a feeling it will be.
I went riding today.  I tried riding in an English saddle but every time I tried trotting Honey dropped her head and I almost went over her neck!  I think I will stick with the western saddle!  Next week they are going to show me the riding trails in the woods.  That will be a nice change of pace.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Angry again

I find it so hard to stay patient with my situation.  I am on disability and allowed to stay on it for two more years if I choose.  My husband is not working.  He gets money sporadically from school (some of that in loans) and makes a little here and there doing work on computers etc.. This month we had to go to the food pantries 3 times.  I don't think it was because I spent and extra $65 on leasing a horse for a month.  I guess I won't be doing that again because its an extra expense.  I have to spend money on other things that are more important.  I get so angry at my husband.  He does a lot around the house and keeps things in running order but is that all I can expect from him?  He keeps saying when he gets his degree he is going to get a job making lots of money.  How long should I hold my breath waiting for that to happen.  He has had only 6 months of employment since I've been with him.  I've been with him for over 4 years now.  Am I the one that is going to have to go back to work?  It doesn't seem right or fair.  He can make up to $700 a month and we will still be able to keep our insurance.  That would make a big difference in our life style.  
I realize we are better off than a lot of people living on this planet.  I own my house, even though its a mobile home.  I have a car.  One that is probably going to crap out pretty soon but it runs.  I have a little income.  I am just sick of it all .. really just sick of it.  
I'm tired and worn down and fat.  I have no energy for anything and no money to go anywhere if I did.
I just found out a friend of mine is in the hospital in Buffalo with a aneurism on her brain.  I want to go see her but not sure if I should spend the money on gas.  We would have to camp because we can't afford a hotel room.  
We have been just scraping by the last couple weeks.  I'm sick of it.. I really am.  I wanted to have a temporary separation but my husband didn't want to.  He sweet talked me into letting him stay.  Saying he didn't have any place to go and no way to take care of himself and his son.  WTF... that is really sad.  

Friday, June 22, 2012

Child support

I got my big ole $60 in child support for Sarah.  I get that every two weeks.  Rich went to the store, I think we have enough for the weekend anyhow.  I will get $40 on Tuesday and then my SS check on Wed.  So sick of this.. he went to bring scrap metal to the junk yard to try to get a little $$.  How about a JOB?

Thursday, June 21, 2012


My husband is coming in and telling me he found two gift cards in his wallet.. one worth $20 and the other for Starbucks for $10 or something like that and how he is going to sell them on E-bay for $20.  Whoop de doo.  Never mind we have had to go to the friggin food pantry twice this month.  How about getting a job there wonder boy?

Thursday, June 14, 2012


My hubby and I had a good talk.  I realize that I have not been the most pleasant person to be around the last year but I have to give him credit.  He works hard around the house and yard keeping things nice for me.  He helps me out so much I really have come to realize how much things would be harder if he wasn't here.  He is a quiet and even tempered man too.  Does not yell at me, does not get angry.  I need to learn to be more thankful for what he does do instead of criticize what he doesn't.  I realize the job situation is pretty bleak but he has been doing some odd jobs that bring in some money here and there.  We have enough to get buy with an occasional treat.  I need to be more tolerant.  I would have to say compared to the last man in my life, he is a saint!  No drinking, abuse or urinating on the floor!  
Anyhow....  today I went with my daughter to Six flags Great Escape for her 7th grade field trip.  I only went on two rides.  I became exhausted following these kids around.  The good part about it was I got in free and so did my daughter.  Free lunch was included.  It wasn't the best food in the world but it was ok.  Free is good.  Sarah got a little nasty with me because I told her I wanted to leave around 3:15 and one of her teachers had planned to meet us at a certain area to check her out.  Sarah took off on me and went to a ride.  I had to go find her and she was already in line and then after the ride was over went back in line instead of coming out.  By the time we found the teacher it was 4:00.  The teacher was not happy.  I told her that Sarah took off on me.  So tomorrow they are going to have a talk with her in school!  She complained and carried on how it was HER field trip and I shouldn't force her to leave early.  She could of stayed if she didn't have diabetes, but there was no nurse there.  I tried explaining to her that the world does not revolve around her etc.. I was so tired I could barely make it back to the car.  I was so tired I thought I could cry.  We stopped at McDonalds on the way home and she ended up falling asleep in the car too!  She has been in bed since we got home.  I hope she doesn't wake up at 3 AM and decide to wake me up too!  Here is a picture of Sarah and her friend Angela at the waterpark park of the Great Escape, I did a little photo shopping on her bathing suit as it was hanging a little lower than I liked!  :)


Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Not happy

My suggestion did not go over to well with my husband.  He thinks we can work things out.  I tried explaining to him about the anxiety and anger etc.. and he thinks it is something that we can work on.  I can't work on it, I have tried and tried for over 3 years now.  I am even angry at him in my dreams.  I had a dream where I was having a nervous breakdown and I woke up with symptoms of having another nervous breakdown.  I feel like I'm heading down that path again.  He told me that he doesn't have anywhere to go.  I told him if he had a job and could support himself and his son that wouldn't be a problem.  Why should I have to take care of him?  
The whole medical insurance thing has hindered us too.  If he gets a job with no benefits we will loose our health insurance because we will make too much money.  If he gets a job with benefits sometimes family health insurance is an outrageous amount.  Either way we are screwed.  I'm so mad that he is trying to justify his staying here.  I feel like I will cave and let him.  Maybe I'll tell him to go pack the tent and stay at a campground for a week.. Or go to the family summer house for a couple weeks.  I suggested that.  He doesn't seem to keen on that idea.  I told him it is not my problem.  I told him this is my house and I will not leave it.  I already had to leave one house behind because of that asshat I used to live with.  People who know me will know all about that situation.  12 years of hell being trapped with someone.  I am feeling trapped again.  Why am I so fucking stupid when it comes to men?  I must have sucker written all over me.

A hard thing to do

I just asked my husband for a short separation.  I feel like I'm going to have another nervous breakdown.  I need a break from him for a while. 

Wednesday, June 6, 2012


This month I took a plunge and leased a horse.  It is an inexpensive lease and I can only ride once a week, but for now it is ok.  She is a nice horse and very calm.  Her name is Honey and she is part Belgian.  She is a bit lazy however and likes to get away with it.  I have been having problems mounting lately too and have now fallen twice off the mounting block to my great embarrassment.  The first time I didn't get enough leverage and came back down and my foot missed the block and I fell.  The second time I rode I got on just fine, the third time my stirrup was too long and I once again didn't get high enough and fell off the block again.  I think my confidence is a little shaken now.  I need to practice mounting.  My husband rode with me last time and is a little nervous because of that wretched horse Stanley we leased before.  The lady who owns Honey told me to carry a riding crop with me.  Not to actually use it but just to give Honey a little incentive not to be lazy.  I feel kind of bad because after leasing Stanley that horse actually dreaded us showing up because we were riding him and making him work.  I worry that Honey will start to dislike me too.  I am not cruel to her in anyway.  I want her to like me but I don't want her to walk all over me either.